Meet… ed!

It’s 2018 now, I was supposed to have written this weeks ago. In a perfect world I would have written some earnest piece about collaborative narrative structure and self-expression and had it completed and published in the dying hours of last year. But this is not a perfect world.

So, it begins:

Part I

Allow me to set the scene.

I’m riding a train. It’s a foggy night. It probably wasn’t, but it sounds better this way. Also I wasn’t on a train.

My phone vibrates, it’s a feeling I’ve felt before, but not one I was expecting.

The screen flickers into life, it’s not a phantom vibration this time.

It’s a message:

    “Do you wanna play in a D&D podcast”

No signature…. Bold.

I check the handle; It’s one I recognise. “Huh……. A friend”, I think to myself.

    “Uh yeah”


A deal is struck. I’ve been chosen.

But why?

My attention to detail?

My strength of character?

My knowledge of what an SVG is?

Could it be the unnerving lustre of my swollen mascles?

Of course, it was all these things.

Part II


Part III:

It’s time to create my character, my fetid son. I’m lost at sea, without an idea-door or thought-volleyball to cling to. I’m also knee deep into binging Kaiji, a cartoon.

“This blows”, I say for the benefit of the reader.

“The first 5 minutes of every episode are spent recapping the last episode and nothing’s happened in the last 6 episodes. This is shit—“

Suddenly a flash of inspiration.

That’s it!

Shit… trash… garbage….

I’ll create a garbage boy. A cosmic shithead. A real trash-bag of a hero. A narrative calamity.

And so, my character was born. And He Will Be Called Taro, And It Will Be Worrying.

Then I spent like 2 fuckin hours reading the shitty manual for this crappy game and putting numbers in boxes

And then after that monumental effort the DM made me come up with a regional history for the boy so now I’ve got a 6 page document full of made up place names like Alkahestry and Starmie.

Part 4: Redemption

   “My first introduction to D&D was an afternoon I spent listening to a group of my friends playing Mutants and Masterminds…”

An awakening, deep in my spinal cord.

    “Wait…. Was I there…?”

Memories, returning from the depths like Nelson’s dad in the Simpsons (Episode 338).

Wait… this isn’t part 4. This is

———Chapter 0————

look people keep telling me that apparently I was there playing Mutants & Masterminds and possibly DMing but I really can’t remember. I think I basically made a character that was a cross between Thor and Charles Barkley (Shut Up and Jam: Gaiden ver.) so that really encapsulates the vibe for me. ive never watched an nba game in my life it was a fuckin era for sure no doubt.

i guess that’s where I got started on these dice games, and from there moved on to playing 5e because nobody will let me stop playing d20 systems. honestly I wanna play monsterhearts 2 but its really way too out there to go up to people and say hey wanna play this game with me — hhh what’s it about? — oh huh you play teenage monsters and they fuck — haha yeah yup big joke yup hheheh

The Narrative Vortex Closes And We Return To The Present…. Almost

The Audience Is Noisily Discussing The First Act

A Man IN A White Uniform Walks The Aisles Selling Ice-Cream In Those Little Tubs You Know The Ones

Behind The Curtain

*Enter ed, Stage Left*

TRUE PART II:「zero audience // Is It Truly A Scene

All in all I’m just looking to have some fun with this, I want to build a character that people can connect with and use him to take the story in unexpected directions. I’m excited to get started with the tale Yubi’s built for us, but I’m even more excited to throw a spanner in the works and ruin months of planning. I hope y’all enjoy the trip.

You can find ed’s Twitter here!

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