He’s done it again, friends! Our incredible Orion has transcribed our first blooper reel for your viewing pleasure! Thank you so, so much for this amazing transcription! We are so proud to present:
All EDited Out Vol I
(A blooper reel from The Mortal Path, created by Yubi, Gary, Kitty and ed)
Transcribed by Orion, because he quite likes transcribing things in his spare time, and he likes TMP even more than that. Any corrections to suggest to this transcription should be sent to email@example.com with ‘Transcript Error’ in the subject line.
Timestamps written for each ‘wah-wahh’ to indicate when each clip starts. All attempts at recreating… everyone’s weird mouth sounds (looking at you here ed) are Orion’s own.
[The following are split into various clips not previously in the other episodes, all separated by ed’s infamous trumpet-imitating ‘wah-wahh’ sound, like an ‘incorrect’ buzzer sound]
ed: It’s a mockery! I’m being mocked!
ed: Uh, 50gp: Blood In the Sand.
Yubi, laughing: Yeah… What? [trying to get back on with the podcast] He leads you…
ed: Sorry you don’t get my reference to the obscure-…? It’s not even obscure, right? There was a 50 Cent game for the PS2. Called… Oh, it doesn’t matter. Move on. Move on!
Kitty: And that’s not obscure?!
ed: Someone out there is-… It’s not obscure. Everybody knows about it. [Orion note: my partner did indeed own this game! It’s a real thing!]
Gary: I think it’s time for a… ‘Everyone, pause the podcast, go Google this thing so you can get ed’s joke!’ [Kitty laughing]
ed: You really don’t need to. It’s not a joke. It’s just an acknowledgement that the 50 Cent game ‘Blood on the Sand’ exists.
Yubi: It’s a shout out…
Gary: I understand. You’re paying props to your boy 50 Cent. [laughter]
ed, indignantly: Why is that something to laugh about? Why is that a point of humour for you? [everyone but ed wheeze-laughing for ages] There’s nothing funny here.
Yubi: Oh, God. Okay. Whoo. Okay.
Gary: This is why you put up with the horn!
ed: What? ‘Cause it just gets worse afterwards? If we’re not saying dumb horny shit the whole time, it just… degenerates into me unironically enjoying rap music? [Yubi losing their shit with laughter in the background]
Gary: Hey! I unironically enjoy rap music as well.
Yubi, struggling to speak through laughter: I’m cutting all this out…
ed: Oh, good! Who here doesn’t unironically enjoy rap music? And if so you should leave the podcast!
Yubi: I’m editing all of this out!
ed: Thank you so much. Thank you for your service.
Yubi: Honest to God, this is going to be our…
Kitty: I’m glad I lived through it, but I don’t think anyone else needs to.
ed: God bless our troops. [the cast losing their shit again with laughter]
Yubi: This is going to be our heavily-est [Orion note: this is not a word] edited episode yet. Including the one where I was off my tits on the flu.
ed: [makes a horrible gulping gasping noise that somehow rises in pitch like a kazoo]
ed, muttering: Lord of the Ring… Two.
Yubi: Okay. Uh, what did I call it…
Kitty: Electric Boogaloo.
ed: Lord of the Ring 2: This time it’s personal. [Yubi giggling]
Yubi: Yeah, that’s actually…
Gary: Lord of the Ring Two: Find A Sequence.
Kitty: Ring Harder.
Yubi: “It’s Like Lord of the Rings, But This Time It’s Personal” – by Yubi. Okay. Um, so… [laughter] [the microphone makes a tiny explosion sound] Ooh, I just exhaled too hard!
Kitty: A large part of artistic output.
ed: Hey there. Uh… [accidentally makes a weird noise as he tries to speak] I… [mocking himself for making a weird noise] Hhheh? I’m no-… [sighs heavily] Could-… So wait, when do we-… [Sighs] [laughs] [imitates squeaking brakes and crashing noise] Errgh? Errgh! Ehh! [laughs] [sobbing] Aww… I-I’m-…
ed as Taro in his fake-American accent: Dick in these here hands… [Gary giggling loudly]
ed: Does Harry Potter get to go upstairs? I thought he was confined to the cupboard.
Gary: He’s like, ‘I don’t want to hear a word from you all evening’.
Yubi quietly, off mic: I didn’t see your message until after…
ed: The boy cupboard! Where I keep my bad son. [Gary giggling] [Yubi talking quietly off mic]
Gary: At least you didn’t go, ‘where I keep my boys’.
ed in a pompous, upper-class British accent: Here in Harry Potter, I am Dudley Dursley. And in my basement wine cupboard, I keep my son in law. Harry Potter, the elf-…
Kitty: Not really son in law… Nephew. [laughter]
Gary: That was so wrong!
ed: Harry Potter the elf, who has communed with snakes-…
Kitty: So anyway! There’s a wardrobe!
ed: Yeah, there was a wardrobe right? What else is there? Well, show us the world – and by the world, I mean this bedroom.
Yubi: Uh, Kate is still making noises in the kitchen. She’s-…
ed: Okay I’ll continue to talk about Harry Potter.
Yubi: Continue the bit, please.
Kitty: No, no, you give us your Vernon Dursley.
ed: Vernon… Vernon Duh-… Duh… Dudley. The Harry Potter uncle from Harry Potter. He was once a wizard…
Yubi, laughing: Yes…
ed: Who ruled all of Neverwinter Nights [Gary laughing] and he worked with… Um… Gordon… Ramsay the Elf King to make sure that…
Yubi: Very good concept! Making a note of that!
ed: That no one could… catch… catch… Slytherin, uh, Malfoy the … egg herder? Who had all the spells because he got them from the dragon’s eggs, which he kept in his larder. Which he called Diagon Alley. Um… In the second book of the Harry Potter saga, Dragon Malfoy and his son… Steven. [Gary giggling] Steven went to the American wizard school… Gettysburg. [giggles and laughter] The American wizard school where they met Abraham Lincoln, who was also a wizard, but he had to keep it secret from the Parliament of the American-… The Congress. Because otherwise he wouldn’t be allowed in the Congress because Congress was not allowed to have wizards. This was the rule that had been set down by the first President of the United States. Who was… a man! A white man. And he was called…
Yubi, quietly, trying to help ed along: G-… Geor-… George….
ed: Of the Jungle! [Yubi and Gary laughing hysterically]
Kitty: I mean, l bets are off at this point. He might not be called George at all.
ed: Who was not a wizard and actually didn’t like wizards. His uncle was a wizard who locked him in the cupboard and…
Yubi, laughing: Oh, you’ve come full circle!
ed: So he wouldn’t… Because he was also Harry Potter who could… eat snakes.
Yubi: Okay, Kate’s gone.
ed, confidently: Okay! And so that’s why – no wizards in Congress!
Yubi: That’s good.
Gary: I really look forward to the Hamilton sequel.
Yubi, laughing: Yeah!
Gary as Natalia: Oh yeah, yeah. Let’s… Findex – how you doing there?
[loud sneeze off-mic, causing everyone to pause and then giggle]
Kitty: Findex sneezes mightily!
ed: All right. [slurring heavily] Ehhs-wehh-…
Yubi, with clapping underneath the dialogue: 1, 2, 3, 4. [clapping becomes a jaunty rhythm with everyone joining in randomly] 1…
[ed yawns softly and quietly like a little cat]
Gary: It’s not the case that Nat really does suck. [Yubi and ed laughing heavily]
ed: Thank you for clearing that one up!
Yubi: Thank you!
ed: Because we were all here thinking-…
Kitty: That no one was curious about.
ed: That Nat was the worst character [Gary giggling] with her magic shadow powers and ability to read magically any language and also being…
Kitty: And kill people.
ed: Buff as hell. We all thought that Nat was really the dead weight in the team! [Kitty and Yubi laughing loudly]
Yubi: No, it’s Findex now. So…
[ed makes another tiny little squeaking noise, possibly another yawn?]
Yubi: So you… Ah, that’s the fucking polar bear… [in frustration] Mrrgh… [ed and Gary laugh loudly]
ed: The polar bear just slides off… And slides back… [laughter] Okay – so half this podcast is gonna be talking about us fucking talking about a polar bear.
Yubi: I know, I know…
ed: Is this season one of Lost? [Yubi laughs]
Yubi: It’s the equivalent of! Although I’ve never seen Lost, so…
Gary: Neither have I.
ed: Is that another reference people aren’t getting?
Yubi: I’ve not seen Lost so I don’t know, I’m sorry.
Kitty: I’ve not seen Lost…
ed: Let’s go back to 2006 and that’s going to be the funniest shit you’ve ever heard.
Kitty: I understand there’s this rapper called 50 Cent and he’s quite good! [laughter] [Yubi cackles]
ed: Let’s just continue with the podcast and we all agreed to come on and play together.
ed: [sighs in frustration] I’ve got my back up. I’ve got my front up. We’re ready…
ed: Pro tip from the archives: you can make that a lot less painful if you just bring cardboard to a party and then if you have to sleep on the floor, then you can sleep on cardboard instead. Thanks for listening to my pro tip!
Kitty: Do you know, that’s really sad. [Gary and Yubi laughing] Because every time I’ve been to parties, I’ve just kicked someone out of their bed. [more laughter]
Yubi: No, Kitty, you just need to join someone and then it’s all fine.
Gary: I just love the idea of ed just going to a party and-…
Kitty: No, do you know- because that’s how Tom and I met! Because he refused to let me kick him out of his bed. So I had to steal his shoes.
Yubi: A good trade off. Uncomfortable to sleep in – but you are very small. [long break of laughter]
ed: I dunno.
ed, mumbling and sounding half asleep: I dunno… I just dunno… Nnrghg…. [mumbles incomprehensibly] I’unnn’nnnnuuu….
Gary: One second, let me just find a d4.
[slurping and swallowing sounds].
Yubi, about to punch ed through a monitor: ed, stop slurping. I will take those sounds and misuse them. [slurping and bubbling sounds] Oh my God…
Gary: Slurpy ed, we call him.
Kitty: Oh, God. [ed audibly choking and coughing] It’s not going well already. [more coughing sounds]
Yubi: Oh wow, he’s choking…! [wheeze-laughing]
Gary: He’s choking, he’s spitting! Everything’s going on! Oh, slurpy ed!
ed: Let me drink in peace, you demons! You demons…
Kitty: Slurpy ed, though, it has got a ring to it.
Yubi, still wheeze-laughing: It’s got a ring!
ed, clearly not crying: I’m crying.
ed, with everyone’s laughter under the dialogue: Ah, hidoi, ne~?…?
Yubi: Erm, [mispeaking] are really clumbrelled- [sic]… [laughter]
ed: Did you just say cumbled? [Yubi laughing loudly] They’ve been all cumbled up. Can you define cumbled for me?
Gary: I wish I hadn’t used my one porn joke!
Yubi, laughing: Can we please stop talking about cumbly old lizardmen?
Yubi, nasally: Is that allowed?
ed, nasally: Is that allowed?
Yubi, nasally: Is that allowed?!
ed, softly: Stop.
Yubi: And y’all are out of combat.
Gary: I did have a line.
Yubi: Oh please.
Gary: For if she survived.
Yubi: Oh, okay.
Kitty: Do you wanna save it for another enemy?
Gary: No, because I just was-…
ed: Do you wanna tell us it anyway?
Gary: It was only gonna come up this episode. I was gonna turn to Nerium and go… ‘Go shorty. It’s your turn, bae.’ [Yubi laughs hysterically]
ed: I wanna, like, quit now. Can I just leave? Oh my fucking God.
Kitty: Oh my God.
ed: [Yubi still laughing hysterically] I don’t want to be involved in this anymore. This is a travesty!
Kitty: I am very glad that Natalia got the killing blow.
Yubi, laughing hysterically: Hee hee hee!
ed: Yeah. Same.
Yubi, cry-laughing: That’s very good! And also terrible but also very good.
Gary: That’s me!
Yubi, still laughing: Okay… Okay…
ed: Here on…
Kitty: God, Taro.
ed: The Mortal Path, welcome to… Google.
Kitty: You arse.
ed: You can download the website and stream it today.
Gary: I just like the idea of ed just streaming his audio? As we record? [laughter]
Kitty: And then again immediately afterwards.
ed: Oh, that would own, yeah. No, it’s a stream of me listening to my own voice. And finding myself funny.
[ed sneezes loudly with an odd ‘hoo hoo!’ sound at the end]
[END OF EPISODE]