Wow, wow, wow! Sam!!! Thank you so much! We are so honoured and so grateful to you for the time you’ve put into this. Thank you so much for your hard work! A huge thank you to Sam for writing this, and of course to Orion for his part in the organisation and editing of the transcript. Thank you both again!

While Orion plans to transcribe more episodes, transcription is a time consuming and difficult task, and this is a passion project of his. We’ll be updating the site with new transcriptions as they come, and will be keeping you all updated on Twitter. If anyone is interested in helping Orion write these transcripts, please email us at themortalpath@gmail.com so we can put you in touch!

So, with another HUGE thank you to Sam and Orion, we are so pleased to present here:

Episode 6: The Fallen City

https://themortalpath.podbean.com/e/6-the-fallen-city/

Created by Yubi, Gary, Kitty and ed.

 

Transcribed by Sam and edited by Orion. Any corrections to suggest to this transcription should be sent to themortalpath@gmail.com with ‘Transcript Error’ in the subject line.

 

Timestamps written are approximate rather than exact, so as to avoid breaking up the flow of the dialogue.

 

Please note content warning for emetophobia (around 5 minutes in)

 

Gary as Natalia: Previously on The Mortal Path.

        

[start of recap]

         ed: I… wanna go out on the balcony. I like the cold in this scenario because it makes me seem cool.

[cut. The cuts don’t make a sound, one audio clip simply plays after the other.]

 

         Yubi: There is a gnome.

[cut]

         Gary as Natalia: Hello there, this is such a lovely party, isn’t it? Is it usual for you people to just, arrive? I mean, excluding myself of course.

[cut]

ed: Hey, Gary, pro tip: Um, if you’re having a conversation with someone it’s               generally polite to ask what their name is, right? [Laughter, especially loudly from Kitty]

[cut]

         Yubi: Nerium, whose are you starting with?

         Kitty: I will start with Taro’s, please? [pause] Stinky costumes, some loaded dice,              some cards…

[cut]

Yubi: The very last thing in the bottom is some sort of handle.

 

[cut]

ed as Taro: I’ve got no plan for how to win at a party… You’ve really struck into my   weak point here, I don’t know how to mingle.

 

[cut]

ed as Taro in his pompous accent: So you’re- what you’re telling me is that your name is Joxas Joxas Roxas?

[laughter: Kitty is cackling in the background, Yubi chuckles.]

 

Yubi [chuckling through the start of their sentence]: No, no no, sorry, Joxas Joxas Troxas.

 

[cut]

         ed as Taro, pompously: My father’s tired of my bachelor lifestyle. I think he wishes for me to find a mate, and settle down.

 

[cut]

 

         Yubi as Eldin Zugai: I am Eldin Zugai.

 

[cut]

 

         Yubi: That is Natalia’s diary.

[cut]

Yubi: And she goes: [Yubi as creepy girl, the girl’s voice croaks and she sounds like it takes effort to speak] ‘Ne… ri…. um.’

 

[cut]

 

Yubi: and as she hits the ground, a thousand small dead animals explode out from where she was and there is no trace of her left.

 

[cut]

 

Yubi: and you two are both overwhelmed with horrific, crippling pain.

[cut] 

 

Yubi: And all three of you are suddenly standing… The first thing you notice is that it is hot. And as you look around, everything is barren-looking.

[cut]

Kitty as Nerium: Where- where are we now?

 

[End of recap.]

 

[The intro theme starts playing. It fades in quickly: feminine voices sing a mysterious harmony. They are accompanied by a drum playing a fast and exciting rhythm. It fades out, and a different song starts playing: a slow violin theme.]

 

Yubi: [speaking while the violin fades out. Their voice is a bit hoarse for this episode and scratchy in places since they are recovering from flu] So! The crackle of the speakers dies out and you guys are left standing opposite this pole in this wasteland. But as you look around, you can see a couple of things. To your left, you can see what looks like a cityscape. It’s kind of belching this black fog out into the kind of reddish, dusty air. It seems to stretch on for a really long way, and it seems quite overcast, almost like clouds are hanging heavy above it. In front of you, you can see what looks to be this big mountain, a single peak, that every so often glows this kind of deep red. And after a second of looking at it, and watching it belch forth this bit of smoke, you get the idea that that’s a pretty active and pretty kicking volcano.

 

Gary: Is that also to the left?

Kitty and Yubi: No, it’s in front of it. [brief laughter]  

Gary: Oh, I missed that.

ed: It’s galactic left. [Yubi chuckles]

 

Yubi: Glancing behind you, you can see that there is this plain that seems to stretch out forever, and there are flocks of these creatures flying above it that seem to wheel and dive, and go down to things on the ground and then go back up. And to your right is some sort of large – like, really huge – structure thing that’s really obscured by the red sands, it’s really difficult to see what it is from this distance. It’s this big thing at an odd angle, and that is what you can see. There is nothing immediately near you guys. What do you want to do?

Kitty: Which thing is closest?

ed [chanting]: Big thing, odd angle! Big thing, odd angle!

Kitty: Is that closest? 

ed: I don’t know but I’m very excited about it.

Yubi: It looks to be the closest, yes. But it’s also the most difficult thing to make out.

Kitty: Why? Is it surrounded by cloud, or something? I mean I know there are the clouds swirling overhead, so…

Yubi: Yeah, there seems to be some sort of like, little dust storm happening over in that direction. Um, you kind of get glimpses of it [Gary ‘oohs’ with intrigue] through the swirling, you know, almost visible wind.

 

Kitty: Well, I don’t like that.

ed as Taro: Look, I think we should probably get out of here. Sharpish. I mean, we should probably look for some shelter.

Kitty as Nerium: Where is here?! Where are we? What’s happening, why does this keep happening?

Gary as Natalia: For some reason, we keep being pushed together in this weird shite. So, let’s just get into some fucking cover, and try and understand what’s going on.

Kitty as Nerium: Yeah, okay.

ed: I would like to continue, and by continue I mean start, walking towards the big structure that’s nearby. 

Yubi: Okay. You pick yourself up from your near foetal position on the ground after being very ill and start to head towards the structure.

 

[~5 minutes in]

 

Gary: I would like to swap the reticule I’m holding for the sword 

Kitty: [laughs, and trying to speak while still laughing] I would like to allow this to happen.

Yubi: [snorts] Okay – you and Nerium swap weapons.

Kitty: I will hang on to the reticule but I will also reach into a pocket and take out a handkerchief because I have just thrown up everywhere and I’d just like to give my mouth a bit of a wipe. 

Yubi: You can do that. You do that. 

Kitty, dignified: I have standards.

ed: I wipe the vom’ on my sleeve, ‘cause… I live my life like that. [Yubi laughs]

Kitty, resigned: Yeah…

 

Yubi: Okay, you guys start heading towards the structure.

Kitty as Nerium [nervous]: Is this the best way to be going? I don’t, I mean… What’s going on with that storm, is that a magic storm?

 

ed: I shrug! There’s a Taro shrug. A shrug from me. The Taro shrug. [Gary chuckles] 

Kitty: That translates so well into a podcast.

ed: I didn’t physically shrug in the real world. [Kitty laughs in loud, drawn out bursts] I’m just talking about what it would be like if I did shrug, which I didn’t do…

Kitty: Right…

ed: But I did in the game, in the canon.

Yubi: Canonically, Taro shrugs.

Gary: I’d like to elevate my shoulders – slowly. And then de-elevate them in a shrugging gesture.

Yubi: You do that. It’s a free action.

Kitty: I mean, I’m still walking along with them, I’m still following. Slowly, because I have tiny, short legs.

 

Yubi: As you’re walking you can see that this, ah, dust storm, it doesn’t really seem to be like an actual storm. But the ground dips away and as you’re walking you can see that actually, you are on a higher bit and this structure is actually sunk down in the middle of what seems to be really quite a large kind of crater type thing – and that’s actually where a lot of this dust is coming from. It’s winds that are getting picked up, winds that are picking up the sand and causing these little dust devils to swirl around. And as you get closer, you realise that this large structure is actually what looks like the top half of some huge city that is half on its side and mostly buried in this red sand. And it seems deserted, there doesn’t seem to be any light. There are these kind of spears, and-… not spears, what’s it called?

 

Gary: Spire?

Yubi: Spires!

ed: [with confidence] Sticks!

Yubi: No… [Kitty snorts] There are these spires and towers, and it looks tiered, it looks like there are layers of this city. And as you get a bit closer, you can see that they’re indeed buildings poking out of these almost-rings, that go down, down, down and then seem to sink beneath the sand.

Kitty: Like Minas Tirith?

Yubi: Yeah, a little bit like Minas Tirith for sure.

 

Gary: Now, just to check, you said that this was on its side?

Yubi: Yeah, it’s at this really weird angle.

[slight pause]

Gary: So not on its side.

ed: Does it have a ground? Like…

Kitty: Forty-five degrees rather than ninety.

Yubi: Yeah.

Gary: Okay.

ed: Wh- so, are we kind of- there’s a ground? Like, are all these buildings, like, at one level at the base or something? How does – how exactly does a city be on its side?

 

Yubi: Yeah literally, as you’re walking closer going, ‘What the fu-?’ you can see that there do seem to be these kind of disc-like layers that are being held together and it seems to be mostly made of wood, and metal and stone.

Kitty: It’s like someone dropped a wedding cake.

Yubi: Yeah, that’s a pretty good analogy. There are these sort of like layers that seems to be built up that then sit on top of each other that are mostly held together. These circles of stone and wood and metal have walkways and as you get closer you can see that there are ladders and walkways and staircases – quite a lot of them now crumbled and broken – that seem to allow you to access different parts of this ringed city. But as you’re looking at it you realise that you’re really only seeing maybe the top third at this kind of forty-five degree angle sunk into the ground.

 

Kitty as Nerium: I mean… It does look like cover but it doesn’t look like very safe cover.

ed as Taro: Well, it looks like it’s empty, so far.

Kitty as Nerium, with slight sarcasm: Yeah, I wonder why.

ed as Taro: Look, I’m sure it’s fine, alright. I mean I’m more scared of finding some dangerous people out here than I am of a building that’s flipped over.

Kitty as Nerium: Yeah, that’s very true.

Kitty: Is there any way we can see – once we get up close – can we see any way into it? Any sort of doorway or window into a room that’s not… like half full of sand? Something that we’d presumably have to climb into?

 

Yubi: Very quickly, I’d like all of you to tell me your passive perception. 

ed: [annoyed] Oh god, I gotta like, get my sheet out.

Yubi: Yeah…

Kitty: Fifteen.

Yubi: Fifteen…

ed: Mine’s not fifteen.

Gary: Nine.

Yubi: [incredulously laughing] Nine? [Kitty wheezing]

ed: Eleven! Wow, I’m better than Gary at something in this game!

Kitty: [in a high-pitched, uncertain voice] You have skills! Gary: Probably many things!

 

[~10 minutes in]

 

Yubi: Oookay! And what are your ACs?

ed: Twelve.

Kitty: Fourteen. 

Gary: Uhm? So, I’m wearing a dress. I don’t know.

Yubi: Oh shit.

ed: What’s your dexterity?

Gary: My dexterity is…

ed: Dex modifier.

Gary: Plus four.

Kitty: Yeah, then you’re fourteen as well.

ed: Yeah, then it’s fourteen, I think.

Gary: Cool, fourteen then.

 

Yubi: So as you guys approach, you can see that there are indeed buildings that you can get access to. You get the feeling that if you continue round, you’ll find more. But the certain way that you come up to it, there is a big… Kind of like an outer wall, with a gate that is currently open, that seems to lead into the city.

Kitty as Nerium: I mean, I presume we’re going in?

Gary as Natalia: Yeah, go ahead.

ed as Taro: Yep.

Kitty as Nerium: We want shelter.

Gary: Now, is this, are we like walking on flat land…

Kitty: Well no, presumably once we’re through the gate, we’re on a… ‘wonk’.

Gary: Or is it like… Well, it depends how long the city’s been like this. Has the dust and the sand settled over thousands of years so it’s flat now? Or is it still wonky?

 

ed: I think Taro is hanging back a little bit because he has no weaponry. 

Kitty: That’s a good point. I’m gonna hold onto my dagger. 

Yubi: What is your marching order?

Gary: Nat is happy to take the lead on this.

Kitty: I’ll go behind Nat but I am [enunciating clearly] stealthing!

Yubi: Oh, roll me that sweet stealth.

Kitty: Eighteen!

Yubi: Eighteen…

ed: Can I stealth too?

Yubi: Yeah, please!

Gary: Are you telling Nat to be stealthy? Because she’s just angry at the moment.

Kitty: No, I’m not gonna say anything at this point, I’m just gonna quietly follow as stealthily as I can. 

ed: I got a natural 20 on stealth.

Yubi: [impressed] You got a nat 20?!

Kitty: Fuckin’ hell.

Yubi: Nice…

ed: I did. Which is like… a good roll.

Kitty: Super-stealthy motherfucker.

 

Yubi: As you guys walk up to this big open gate…

Kitty: Nat turns around and goes: ‘Where are they?’ [chuckling]

Gary: Yeah. Nat’s just like storming forward, just ‘aargh!’

 

Yubi: Okay, you can see that there is this, uhm, sand that is settled that makes this path that leads through. And that is something that strikes you, there does seem to be a sort of path leading through this city. But these buildings, they are at weird angles. And doors are open, windows are broken open… And looking around, you guys can see that certain things look looted. Bits look kind of broken into, everything looks really weird and just out of place. The architecture looks out of place, it’s very kind of sweeping and tall and kind of beautiful and left to rot in this way that the materials don’t seem organic for this landscape. It’s this wood and this kind of very kind of beautiful marble stone and these bits of metal that have rusted and bent under the heat. And as you step in, there’s cover but it’s closer and It’s hotter. And bits of the city seem to be relatively well-covered and other bits are still open to the sky.

 

Kitty: Can I reach Nat’s frock and just tug gently to get her attention?

Gary as Natalia: Huh? Uh, what is it? 

Kitty as Nerium: Uh, you guys I kind of think I’m going nuts, but the buildings here don’t look like they were made from things that came from here, and it’s at a funny angle, and it’s in a random place- I just wonder if this city got teleported like we did.

Gary as Natalia: It pains me to say this, but that makes sense.

Kitty as Nerium: Yeah, I don’t like it either.

ed: Taro says something but he’s being incredibly sneaky so you can’t hear it. [laughter] Because of how sneaky he is.

Kitty: I like that.

ed: It was very insightful, and it would have really made all the difference if you’d heard it, but unfortunately you didn’t, so. [clacks tongue] 

Kitty: Dang…

Yubi: That one… That one dies with Taro, maybe. [Kitty wheezing with laughter]

Gary: I just found out… I’ve rolled nat 20 stealths all through my life. [Kitty laughing very loudly, with pity]

ed: Awww…

All: [pityingly] Ohh, Gary!

Yubi: Gary..!

 

Yubi: Okay, so you guys start heading into this city, and it seems to branch out in different ways. There are some buildings you can see into that seem to lead down these paths of red sand that go through it. Some of them lead up – and the ones that lead up, you can see where the sand drops away from being this very thick covering to just being sprinkles where footsteps seem to pass. As you look at the ones heading up, that’s where everything seems to get very funky in terms of angles and climbing, and you can see that there are bits that are being broken off to make stairs up the sides of buildings. And the ones that go down, there seems to be more sand down there. Where are you guys heading? What are you looking for, what are you doing?

 

Kitty as Nerium: I don’t know that we necessarily want to go too far in. Was there a bit of space back there where we could just hunker down for a bit, maybe? 

ed as Taro: We could probably duck into one of these buildings and wait it out a little bit, just see if we hear anyone coming through.

Kitty as Nerium: Yeah, that’s not a bad idea.

Gary as Natalia: Sounds fine to me.

Yubi: M’kay.

 

[~15 minutes in]

 

Gary: By the way, this sand, does it bear any relation to the like, dust sand that was in the cave?

Yubi: Uh, make an investigation check. 

Gary: Oh… [exaggerated] Oohw!

Yubi: [joining in] Oohhw. [Kitty giggling]

[Gary, Yubi and ed making various Oooh noises]

ed: Ooh- wah- ooh oohw

Gary: [voice cracking slightly] oohwe- ooh

Gary: [normal voice] Uh, eighteen.

 Yubi: Eighteen. Uh, no. This one seems to be very much like normal sand. You remember that the other one kind of turned pasty between your fingers and then it didn’t quite react the same way, but this one very much just feels like sand. Very deep red colour, but, pretty normal sand.

 

Gary: That’s under-sand-able.

Yubi: [groaning] Uhhhh, nooooo…

ed: uhg- ohh… I take back the like- the, the… The sad groan I did for you earlier, you deserve not to be listened to.

Yubi: [high-pitched] Oooh noo! That’s not true!

Gary: You can’t lock me under the stairs anymore, ed. [Yubi laughs]

ed: No, those days are over. Unfortunately. 

Yubi: Oh, what fun times you had at uni. Uhh, right, so you guys head into-

ed, interrupting: Thank you for filling in the listeners there… 

Yubi: Well, otherwise it’s just like you’re doing like a live-action…

Kitty: Honestly, I’m glad.

Yubi: Yeah, you’re doing like a live-action Harry Potter roleplay, like what’s happening otherwise, you know? [chuckling]

 

ed: Just like, let the viewers decide in their hearts. [Gary laughs]

Yubi: In their hearts what Gary and ed did in cupboards at uni? Like what? Where do you wanna go with this?

Gary: Woah, woah, woah, I just said locked m- [stammering] I- ah- daahh… [Yubi laughs]

Gary: Locked me in a cupboard!

Yubi: Oh, sorry.

Gary: Not locked in a cupboard with me.

Yubi: [laughing] Ohohokay! [Kitty laughs loudly]

ed: Also, how would you like, arrange that?

Kitty: That’s a whole different story.

ed: What cupboards lock on the inside?

Yubi: I have no idea. Oh boy, okay. 

 

ed: So, we’re gonna duck into a nearby building 

Kitty: I mean, I’m gonna do a perception check to see if I can find a really good spot to hide in.

Yubi: Okay. Do that. 

Kitty: [dice roll] Shit. Uhhhhh, that’s a nine. [laughing]

Yubi: A nine. You are feeling pretty overwhelmed. 

Kitty: This looks good!

Yubi: Yeah. You go into a building and you can see that this one definitely used to be a shop of some kind. But it’s been totally ransacked, there’s nothing really left there except shelves and what looks to be like old bits of faded parchment stuck to the walls. But there is like, a table that’s half overturned that you reckon you could maybe hide behind.

 Kitty: Parchment stuck to the walls?

Yubi: Yup. 

Kitty: Can we read what’s on it?

Yubi: It’s totally faded. It’s faded and like, wind-blasted.

 

Kitty: There’s not gonna be anywhere where we can like, where we can look for something with a sign over the door that’s got bottles on or something, I’m just like, we’re gonna be thirsty at this point, ‘cause we just walked a long way and it’s sandy and we both puked and Taro’s been drinking and I’m worried we’re just gonna get dehydrated at this point.

Yubi: Roll me investigation. Yeah, absolutely, if you’re looking for things like that. The world is your oyster, my guys.

Kitty: Am I taking this too seriously? Am I being too practical here?

Gary: No, go for it! 

ed: I thought we were just gonna go get fuckin’-

Kitty: Wait!

Ed: -lit.

Kitty: I got a natural one, but it’s okay, ‘cause I’m a halfling. [dice roll] And I got a three.

ed: Nice! Good job!

Yubi: Wow! [Kitty laughing in the background] This is gonna go very good, actually. This is actually going to go very well.

ed: You nailed it, bud!

Kitty: Oh God, what are we gonna drink? Shit!

 

Yubi: [attempting to start narrating]  Okay, so you…

ed: Just gonna drink some poison.

Yubi: [making another attempt] So you guys…

Gary: Let’s just not drink shit.

Yubi: So you guys head into this building. You kind of like, stand there for ten… Ten or so minutes before Nerium decides to, you know, poke her head out and have a look around. You can see that there is definitely a street leading sort of half up, away from you that definitely looks like it was a shopping street, but from your distance you can’t make out any of the names on any of the signs. And quite a lot of the buildings look broken into.

Kitty: I mean… I might sneak up there and have a rec-y if that’s alright with the rest of them.

 

ed: So, this shop thing we’re in, is there like any doors coming off it or is it just a void?

Kitty: [gasps] Not doors!

Yubi: Uh, there does seem to be another single door in the building other than the one you’ve just come in.

Kitty: Oh, let’s have a look in there, then.

Yubi: It’s a stock cupboard and it’s empty.

Kitty: Oh, well that’s boring.

ed: Yeah, what a boring room.

 

Kitty: Alright, yeah, I’m gonna nip out and stealth up to this shopping district and see if I can find anything. And I’m not investigating so much as perceiving, maybe?

Yubi: Okaayy…

Gary: I think we should probably all go there and poke around.

ed: I think before we do that – or like, simultaneously – I’m gonna move the table over and just see how it looks from outside. See if if we hid behind it we’d be hidden.

Kitty: Oh, good idea.

ed: So I guess I’ll do that while you guys walk off and investigate the other thing.

 

[The theme music starts playing, a mysterious and slightly ominous tune, denoting the start of the middle segment. It plays for a few seconds and faces into the background.]

 

[~20 minutes in]

 

Yubi, still sounding like they have a bit of a scratchy throat, but not as ill as their main episode voice this week: Helloo! It’s Yubi, your DM! Here once again to say: well, hello! And also happy Valentine’s day, if that’s a thing that you celebrate. I work in the food service industry, so I do not celebrate it, [cheerful voice] because it’s a hell day for me, but that’s fine! I’m only working twelve hours! It’s fine!

 

Thank you so much for listening to this episode. You may have noticed that I was super, super sick when we recorded it! And boy howdy, does it show, because my brain is a sieve and I sound like death! So, I don’t know why I thought that it was a good idea to record or why I thought I was well enough to do so, but we did it, and here it is. So, yeah, thank you for listening. Thank you for listening to all of this, but thank you for listening to this one especially – because I really tried, and I think you can hear that.

 

Big special thank you to Eusevius who appears for the first time in this episode.

 

Uh, also a massive thank you to of course Dice Bard, who donated an amazing set of dice for our first giveaway. Thank you again, so much. Absolutely go and check out their wares. We are also running a competition at the minute, a sort of a competition giveaway. So the deadline is the 28th, and all you have to do is make a piece of media that has something to do with The Mortal Path. Could be a picture, photograph, interpretive dance. We’ve had playlists and moodboards and fanart. Could be fanfic, that’d be pretty cool. We’ve had absolutely amazing entries so far, and of course the price is an amazing set of dice donated by SettlingGeek on Twitter, that’s s-e-t-t-l-i-n-g-g-e-e-k, SettlingGeek. Please go and check them out. And also, please check out our Tumblr, which seems to be where most of our entries are, which is themortalpath.tumblr.com to see some of the most awesome entries that we’ve had so far.

 

You can also – to enter it – make sure that you tag us in it to make sure that we see it. Make sure that a main account interacts with it in some way. And make sure you let us know that it’s for the competition, otherwise we might just think, ‘oh man this is really sweet,’ and not know to enter you into it.

 

You can also tweet with the hashtag #themortalpath for a chance to be in on the show, to have your name, your username, whatever name you choose to be an NPC in the show, you might get selected. You can also join our mailing list for the same chance. We’re really having a lot of fun putting in people into this podcast, but there’s a lot of name-… Not… There’s a lot of name jesting. So… Don’t expect your name to be said correctly, or used correctly, I guess? Because I’m not having a lot of luck with that so far, sooo… We’ll see how that goes!

 

I just wanted to say another huge thank you to Rachel Graff, of course, who wrote our amazing theme song, thank you so much. And also? Honestly? Is getting married this month, so huge congratulations to you, my love. I’m so excited to be at your wedding, it’s gonna be a great day.

 

So, again, thank you so much guys, for listening, really hope you enjoy this episode, just a reminder that the next one will be out on the 28th – really looking forward to getting that out for you, it’s going to be a whole lot of fun! So, enjoy the episode! Bye-bye!

 

[Theme music faces back in.]

 

Yubi: You, as you turn the table over, it’s medium-humanoid sized. Your horns might show. You might have to put your head on the ground to sort of hide your horns but you reckon the three of you could probably hunker behind there and hide, should you need to. It’s not gonna be like, ten out of ten, but if you were playing against maybe like, eight-year olds in hide and seek, you’d probably have a relatively good chance – if they didn’t come in the room.

Gary: I’m glad the only things attacking us are gonna be eight-year-olds playing hide and seek.

 

Yubi: [laughs] Yeah. So, Natalia and Nerium, you guys head up this kind of… street, and-

Kitty: Stealthily.

Yubi: Stealthily, both roll me stealth please. If you’re both stealthing.

Kitty: Twenty. 

Gary: Fifteen.

Kitty: I’m keeping an eye out for any movement that might be a person rather than a dust storm.

Yubi: Okay. So, you guys make your way up the street. And you can see, indeed, that these are shops, but these are all shops with names written in a language that… Ooh, what languages do you speak, actually?

Kitty: Uhh… Common and Halfling.

Yubi: [quietly] Common and Halfling…

Gary: Common.

Yubi: Common. Yeah, languages that you don’t recognise. But they’re rather beautifully engraved. These signs, they hang at odd angles, they’re very weather-beaten. They don’t look like they’re holding up well. And as you-

 

[~25 minutes in]

 

Kitty: What kind of script are they written in?

Yubi: Quite flourishey, quite flowing.

Kitty: Elven-like? 

Yubi: Mmm, maybe? Uh, it doesn’t look like an Elven script you’d recognise though.

Kitty: [with emphasis] Elvish

Yubi: Yes, it doesn’t look like an Elvish script that you would recognise. Neither Sindarin nor Quenya, no. Um. [Kitty chuckles]

Yubi: But you can see that this street does have these old kind of shops and that most of them have been broken into. Are you looking for anything specific in them?

 

Kitty: Yeah. Something to drink, some sort of sustenance.

Yubi: Okay. Roll me… Eehh, it’s investigation, because you’re, you’re not trying to perceive movement, you’re looking for specific things, my guys! [Kitty and Gary make a disappointed noise]

Kitty: Ooh! Eightteen!

Gary: Thirteen.

Yubi: Most of what you guys find are broken bottles. And they’re made of very, kind of like, pretty glass of different shapes, but they’ve all been kind of like cracked open or smashed. And it looks like this part of town at least is really easy to access and therefore it’s been pretty thoroughly looted.

 

Kitty: If there is a bottle that looks like it’s been smashed in such a way that it would be easy to hold and stab with… 

Yubi: [affirmative] Hmm-hm.

Kitty: …I would like to take that.

Yubi. Okay. Uhh, yeah, you take it. There’s definitely one-

Kitty: I’ll put my dagger away and hold that instead, for the now.

Yubi: Mm-kay! So as you pick up that piece of glass, and as you are sort of looking around and starting to head back, Nerium, with your passive perception, there is a… ffp-fwwp-fp-ffp… Footstep behind you.

 

Kitty: I would like to grab Nat firmly, and go: [whispering as Nerium] ‘Stay still!’

Yubi: Okay! Okay? And you just stay still?

Gary: I freeze.

Yubi: Okay. Uh, what’s your AC, Nerium?

Kitty, nervously: [slight pause] Fourteen?

Gary: Fourteen…

Yubi: There is suddenly crippling pain, as something sharp and metallic pushes into your back for three damage.

ed: [sarcastically] Wow! Good job, guys!

Yubi [crosstalk]: And- I would like you to…

Kitty: Which one of us? Both of us!

Yubi: No, no, just you. Uh, and I would like-

Kitty: Just me?

Yubi: Just you. And I would like you both to roll me initiative, please!

 

Gary: That’s how it feels!

ed: You put the, the cla- [static noise with mouth] [Yubi laughs]

Kitty: [sighs] I mean, when that happens, I scream.

Yubi: Mmmkaayy.

Kitty: I don’t know if Taro can hear us.

Yubi: Uhh, Taro, what are your-… Perception is an eleven. Yeah, you’re not that far. You hear Nerium shriek.

ed: Dang. I’m gonna go ghost mode, and walk slooowly over to where I think they went, I guess. ‘Cause I can probably see the footprints, right?

 

[a new battle music starts, quiet and urgent beneath the dialogue]

 

Yubi: Uh, yeah. Okay, you start very slowly heading towards the sound.

ed: Do I get to maintain my god-like stealth or do I have to roll again?

Yubi: No, you have to roll again ‘cause now you’re trying to approach a new situation.

Kitty: Ya-haa

ed: That’s-, that’s fair. [with regret] That’s fair!

Yubi: But stealth… Your god-like stealth allowed you to get this far without someone getting stabbed, so.

ed: It did. Unfortunately it won’t allow me to get any further, because I rolled a six.

Yubi:  A six. That’s very good! [Kitty laughs] Okay, that’s duly noted.

 

ed: Can I just point out the elephant in the room here, that your, your,… Your grand strategy was that when you heard somebody sneaking up behind you, you were like, ‘let’s make things easier for them by standing still’.

Yubi: Yeah!

Kitty: I- I’m sorry, that cut out. As far as I was aware, there was just something going swsh-swsh-swshey in the background. 

ed: Yeah, that’s what they all say.

Yubi: Sorry…

Kitty: ‘s alright, I mean I’m not sure that I’ve got terribly good instincts in a fight. I’m used to being a lookout, and I would just stand still.

Yubi: Mm’kay. Give me your initiative rolls, please.

Kitty: Eh, nineteen.

Gary: Eighteen.

 

Yubi: Nerium, you are up first.

Kitty: God-fucking-damnit, I literally just said I’ve put my dagger away and I’m only holding an improvised weapon.

Yubi: Yyyyepp.

Kitty: Okay, well. I would like to wheel ‘round and shank whoever is behind me with a broken bottle.

Yubi: Okay, ah, roll… 

Kitty: [chuckling] I’m not quite sure what I roll for that.

Yubi: I think it’s just strength, because I don’t think it is a finesse weapon.

Kitty: Noo… It’s a small, stabby…

Yubi: Yes? Okay. D’you know what, I’ll roll a d20. [dice rolling] Okay, it’s a twelve, it can be finesse. You can add your dex.

Kitty: Ohh, thank you! Unfortunately, that is… Wait, it’s, it’s not proficiency, so it is just dex. So, that makes it a ten!

 

[~30 minutes in]

 

Yubi. A ten. So, what happens is, you spin around, you feel this blade slip from between your shoulderblades. It’s not a very deep cut, but it hurts – and the surprise is almost more horrific than the pain of this wound. But you turn around and you are not face to face, but there is something standing right behind you that is about six foot tall, amber-yellow, incredibly serpentine, almost lizard-like in feature with this kind of like rag-tag leather armor and a short sword that is dripping your blood. And as you turn around, your fingers fumble in shock, and you don’t make that hit. You pull back almost too quickly to even make contact, and it looks down at you-

 Kitty: I mean, I would be stabbing his knee. Realistically…

Yubi: Yeah, yeah… It looks down at you and it hisses. Natalia. 

 

Gary: So, I turn ‘round and see this fucker.

Yubi: Hm-hm.

Gary: And I say:

Gary as Natalia: I am having a very bad day, so I’m gonna take my anger out on you. [deep, reverberating voice enhanced through magic] Fuck you! [Yubi laughs loudly]

Gary: And I go to stab. And I was cursing there.

Yubi: Okay, so you cast your hex, your curse…

Gary: Mm-hm

Yubi: And roll me your sweet attack

Gary: That sweet attack… is an eighteen

Yubi: that hits. 

Gary: For five damage.

 

Yubi: Five damage. You wheel around and bring your sword back and plunge it into this creature. Its hide is quite tough – tougher than you were expecting – and it takes another half-step back, suddenly realising that you are actually probably armed and dangerous.

Taro, roll me initiative, please.

 

 

ed: Aahhuuhhhh……. Uh- one second, I think that’s a seven.

Yubi: [chuckles] okay. Alrighty-

ed: [interrupting] can I-..?

Kitty: Walking real slow…

ed: Is an ability check the same thing as a skill check?

Gary and Yubi: hesitant and drawn out] yessss…

ed:  Okay, that’s all I wanted to know. Continue on with the game!

Gary: Oh no! It’s not!

Yubi: No…

Kitty: I mean, ability is just the strength modifier, right?

Gary: Yes.

ed: I’ve tried googling it, and I can’t find the answer.

Yubi: What are you wanting to do?

ed: I’m not wanting to do anything now, it’s just I got a… thing.

Yubi: Okay.

ed: I just don’t understand the rules of this game very well.

Yubi: Okay

ed: And it won’t matter until later, I think! Because I’m not planning on rolling any of those.

 

Yubi: Okay, duly noted. You very slowly approach just in time to see Natalia ah, stab at this six foot tall, serpentine-like, amber-yellow creature that is covered in kind of bad leather armour and is holding a sword. But it’s at the end of the street, so it looks to be maybe about sixty foot from you. You’ve come round like the end of this other alleyway – not very stealthily. But it’s not your turn. You’ve just, this is like… You’re now in the initiative order. You now can see it.

ed: [signature ed slurring sound, getting more high pitched towards the end]: It’s like… Oohahhhh…! Hey, guys!

Yubi: Exactly. Uh, Nerium –

ed: [high pitched, imitating nervousness]: Heeeyyyy!

 

ed: [normal voice] has it got arms?

Yubi: it does have arms!

Kitty: [amused] I mean, it’s holding a short-sword. [Gary laughs]

ed: [indignant] It could be holding it in his mouth! Don’t… don’t judge!

Kitty: It’s hissing with its mouth!

Yubi: Yeah, no, it is hissing, I thought you said kissing, and I was like, nooo, it’s not like that…

ed: you can definitely hiss with something in your mouth.

Kitty: [mocking ed] Eca-lies unite.

Yubi: [displeased with the turn this conversation has taken, but amused] Oh, noo, it’s just hissing, and it’s making an angry sound. [lightly] Yep. So this creature, it pulls back its sword and it turns from Nerium to strike out at natalia, but its sword [hisses, imitating a sword-deflecting sound] as you parry it and its hit does not land. And with that it is, Nerium, your go.

 

Kitty: I believe I am able to use a bonus action to, um, hide.

Yubi: Um, yes…?

Kitty: So, I would like to dodge behind something and hide as a bonus action.

Yubi: If you move away from it it’s gonna get an Attack of Opportunity. 

Gary: You have to Disengage as an action.

Kitty: I can Disengage as a bonus action, because… I can Dash, Disengage or Hide… [Yubi hums in agreement]… So I will Disengage, and back the fuck up. How much room is there in this building?

Yubi: You’re in an alleyway, at the minute. You’ve been looking at shops, you were about to head back to Taro, so you’re sort of…

Kitty: So, how far away can I get from it, is it easier, better to get away from it or back towards Taro?

Yubi: Uh, you can see Taro. Taro is very much in your passive perception range.

 

Kitty: I’m gonna book it for Taro.

Yubi: Okay.

Kitty: Um, as a light-foot halfling I am nimble and can move through the space of a creature that is of a size larger than mine.

Yubi: Okay.

Kitty: So, I’m just gonna dodge past it towards Taro, twenty-five foot.

Yubi: Yeah, you do that, you just take this little half-step to the side. And as it’s readying this blow for Natalia, you just dip under the sword and start booking it towards Taro.

Kitty: [excited] Yeah, yeah.

Yubi: Who is peering round.

Gary: I roll my eyes.

Kitty: However. I will turn around and for my action… draw my dagger and throw it.

 

Yubi: Okay! Well, make me an attack.  

Kitty: Ah, for fuck’s sake! That’s appalling! That’s another three!

Yubi: In total…

Kitty: Which adds up to a grand total of nine!

Yubi: Your dagger goes wide and skitters into the sand, sort of at Natalia’s feet.

Kitty: Okay, that’s not great…

 

Yubi: Natalia? 

Gary as Natalia: [deep sigh]

Gary: I audibly… sigh. And, bring back my blade once more to try and split this fucker.

Yubi: Okay. 

Gary: [dice rolling] [wildy changing pitch, surprised and inconvenienced, possibly by dice falling off of a surface] Whuaa-aaa!? [more dice rolling] What’s- uh- oohhh… That’s a sssssss…twelve.

 

[~35 minutes in]

 

Yubi: You are distracted by this dagger suddenly flying to your feet and almost making you have to move your own foot out the way to not get a blade through the shoe.

Kitty: I’m so sorry.

Yubi: The lizard-like creature in front of you… [dice roll] [Yubi mumbling to themself, annoyed] …Oh my god, also can’t roll for shit. Tweeeeelve?? [laughs]

Gary: Nope!

Yubi: Equally surprised by this dagger which is ineffectual except for which to scare the two opponents in this battle, with its attack and the blade of the sword goes ‘tsingg!’ off the sides of the buildings. Taro, it is your go.

 

ed: Alright. Uh, I’m going to do a quick surveillance of the area to see if it’s just the lizard that I can see.

Yubi: Okay, make me a perception check.

ed: Persheption shecksh. Okay. A nineteen!

Yubi: Nineteen! There doesn’t seem to be–

ed: Nineteen.

Yubi: – any other movement. You can see the tracks from where this guy came from and it seems to come from this building that leads into the heart of this city. But he seems to be alone.

ed: Okay, bear with me here because I’m gonna try and cast a spell on purpose. 

Yubi: [impressed] Okaayy!

ed: Um, I wanna do the thing I did when we were hanging out with Marlo the other day and I made it sound like an earthquake.

Yubi: Thaumaturgy.

ed: That’s the one, yeah!

Yubi: Okayy, alrighty, ah, you-

ed: It’s the Taro Earthquake Simulator, get on board everybody!

 

Yubi: Now, technically, to do a perception check in battle is an action, and to cast a cantrip is an action.

ed: Okay, so I guess I’ll wait-

Yubi: No, I’m gonna let you do it ‘cause it’s cool as shit. And also that reigns over little rules like this. [Kitty laughs]

ed: Yeah, fuck the rules!

Yubi: Well, not all of them. But in this instance, under my command, fuck this one particular rule. 

ed: Fuck this one particular rule!

Kitty: Fuck this one rule in particular.

 

Yubi: Okay, so what happens? Describe it! How does Taro use this magic for the first time that he wants to?

ed: Okay so I think he just tries to do what he did last time where he just was like, reaching out and just kinda feeling the vibe. Just going for it.

Yubi: Okay, okay do you step out from the, the corner that you’re hiding on?

ed: Yeah, I do.

 

Yubi: Okay, so you take this step out into this alleyway, and sort of like raise your hands in that kind of… You were trying to do this spooky thing over the sword.

ed, excitedly: Yeah, I’m looking spooky as hell! 

Yubi: You feel again those pinches of magic in your palms that seem to circle down. And there is this second of silence before the ground and the buildings go “phhchhoochchch” [imitates explosion sound] and everything shakes violently. And bits of the masonry crack off and bits of the buildings that don’t look particularly stable anyway are actually gonna “pchf pchf” [imitates breaking-off sound] into the sand around you. And it is definitely enough to distract the lizard-like creature, who whips its head round and looks at you with wide and a little bit frightened eyes.

 

ed as Taro: Look, don’t make me, don’t make me, ah, take this whole place down.

Yubi: [laughing] Okay, very cool. Okay, Nerium, it’s your go. You are running towards Taro, suddenly the ground shakes as Taro holds his hands out and comes up with a pretty good line!

 

Kitty: I couldn’t help but notice-… I mean, I‘ve seen him do it before, I’m fine, I’m not too bothered.

Yubi: That’s fair.

Kitty: But I couldn’t help but notice that the creature is apparently distracted! Do you think that would give me advantage on an attack?

Yubi: [laughing] Uh, I do not think so because it’s looking in your direction now, as opposed to at Nat.

Kitty: Worth a try, worth a try…

Yubi: I do love this, I love this constant bargaining.

 

[dice roll] [Kitty laughs in amused disbelief] 

Kitty: Okay, well, I’m gonna throw the bottle at it. I was saving it to take it to Taro, but I’ve lost my dagger now so I’m gonna have to throw it, which is… fourteen… hhrm-hm-eighteen?? To hit it?

Yubi: It hits!

Kitty: Whoo!

Yubi: Roll me some sweet, sweet dam-dam.

Kitty: How much damage does a fucking thing–

Yubi: Now, I think, it’s 1d4.

Kitty: It smashes on impact, it does ten damage!

Yubi: Noo, I think it does 1d4, and I think it does probably plus your Dex.

Kitty: Oh! Okay! [satisfied] I will take that. That is…  [high pitched] Ohh!! [normal voice] that is four! Eight damage!

Yubi: Oh, okay! Well…

Kitty: And I would like to take my bonus action to Hide, given that I now don’t have any weapons.

 

Yubi: Okay, you reach back and you lob this bottle right as it kind of opens its mouth and this glass kind of explodes in its face –

Kitty: Yaass!

Yubi: – and you see it kind of pull back, this very orangey blood dripping down. And as it closes its eyes, you duck into one of the shops you’d been in previously and press yourself up against the wall, just kind of going [imitates laboured, panting breathing] in the dark.

Kitty: Ah, fff- excellent, yes! That happens.

 

Yubi: Okay, the lizard, blinking blood from its eyes, turns back to you, Natalia, and is going to take another swing at you.

Gary: Wait, what?

Yubi: You are still there, aren’t you?

Gary: Yes, but I’m next, aren’t I?

Yubi: Sorry, yes you are! Sorry, ‘cause I wrote ‘n’… ‘N’ for Natalia and Nerium, sorry. [Kitty laughs loudly at Yubi]

 

[~40 minutes in]

 

ed:  Has this lizard boy just completely forgot about the fact that I’m gonna ruin everything with my hands!

Yubi: You’re sixty feet away. She’s right there with a sword, my guy! Anyway, sorry, Natalia it’s your go. You might not even get this far, to be fair.

Gary: So, it’s still facing the other way, right?

Yubi: Yeah.

Gary: Okay. I wanna try something.

Yubi: Okay. 

Gary: I wanna try coming up behind it, puttin my sword to its throat and trying to get him like that.

Yubi: Okay!

Gary: And say some words.

Yubi: [approvingly] okay!

Gary: But I’m guessing I’ll need to do some kind of check to -?

Yubi: Make me an Athletics check.

Gary: ‘mkay. Now… Can I be the bargaining one now, and say because he’s all distracted –

[Kitty goes ‘hehehehehe’ in what could either be mocking Gary’s attempt at or approving of his bargaining]

 

Yubi: I tell you what. He will roll an opposing Strength check with disadvantage-

Gary: Okay, I’ll take it!

Yubi: -for having glass in his eyes and being bloodied, and also looking the other way.  

Gary: Whoo! That’s a twenty.

Yubi: I rolled two nat ones! I rolled two-… Both of these motherfuckers are two nat ones! You absolutely get your blade in a headlock ‘round this guy’s throat.

 

Gary as Nat: I have had… the strangest day- no, the strangest three days in my whole life. My friend over there will destroy this entire city if you keep him agitated. Now, simmer the fuck down. [faux-pleasant tone] And let’s just have a chat!

 

Yubi: Okayy! Yeah. You, as you kind of pull this creature toward you – and you have to kind of pull it down back to you. You being, I think 5’2”, I think is what we said?

Gary: [laughing] I think so, yes.

Yubi: And this creature being like six foot –

Gary: Five four! Five four!

Yubi: Five four! Uh, there is very much a back-bending angle happening, but you do that and after a second of incredible tension the creature drops the sword that it is holding, and is just breathing heavily.

 

[the battle music fades and stops]

 

Gary: I… kick it in the back of the leg, where the knees are, so it drops to its knees.

Yubi as the creature: [startled ‘hmpf’ sound]

Yubi: It drops down.

Gary: Just so it’s below me.

Kitty: Can I peek my head out of the window where I was hiding and see that this is happening?

Yubi: Yeah, you hear that the sounds of battle have kind stopped.

Kitty: Yeah, we’re out of initiative.

Kitty: I would like to look around and see Nat attempting to… not kill everything within sight. Again. And just quietly roll my eyes. [Gary sniggers]

Gary as Nat: [indignantly] I’m not killing everyth- ah sh pfftt…

Kitty: No, no, it’s fine, I didn’t say anything. I’m still hiding.

Gary as Nat: [sighs]

 

ed as Taro: Are you alright over there? Eh- you all sorted?

Nat: Yes! Come over, let’s, let’s interrogate this… twit.

ed: As, as I walk over I wanna just have a look at the-

Kitty: [laughing] I love Nat so much!

ed: I wanna have a look at the signs that… everybody else already looked at.

Yubi: Okay, what languages do you speak?

ed: Uh, I speak… So I speak infernal, but I don’t know I speak infernal. [Gary laughs]

 

Yubi: Okay… Okay, roll me an Intelligence check. 

ed: Oh, gonna fail this one. No wait, my Intelligence is okay! No it’s, it’s, [trailing off noise]. Well. So, I got a two? So, yeah…

Yubi: [contemplative] Okay. Ah, hmm… As you are walking towards them… Not all of the signs, but a couple of the signs look… familiar? In a way that you can’t place. But that is a feeling that has happened to you often enough now that you just kinda go, ‘eh’ and immediately chuck that to one side.

ed: Fair. Yep.

 

Yubi: So you have this creature that is very tense, not quite fighting your grasp, and breathing heavily on its knees in the sand.

Gary as Nat: Do you speak Common?

Yubi as the Creature: [It speaks in a hissing, throaty voice, drawing out its s’s like you’d expect from a fantasy lizard creature.] Yesss.

Gary as Nat: Where are we?

Yubi: It looks around and it licks its lips nervously. There’s still blood dripping down from its face. And it takes a slow breath and it goes:

Yubi as the Creature: The Fallen City.

 

ed as Taro: Wha- Look, what’s yer name, pal? I mean, I assume you’ve still got names here, right?

Yubi as the Creature: Findex.

ed as Taro: Win- windex! [the cast laughing]

Kitty: That must be hard given that there’s no glass left!

Gary: Windex the Clear!

[Yubi breathes, trying to hold back laughter]

Yubi as Findex: Finnn-dexxx.

ed as Taro: Findex! ‘Ere, look, look, pal, are you gonna cause us any more trouble? Are you expecting any more of your pals to come along?

Yubi as Findex: No.

ed: I wanna Detect Lying. Is that a spell? No…

Yubi: Roll an Insight check.

ed: I wanna do that with my brain.

Yubi, sing-song: Roll an Insight check…!

 

Kitty: Uh, I might sneak out at this point from my hiding place. The first thing I want to do is scuttle to grab my dagger and then I’m gonna sidle up to where they are – but stay at least ten feet away.

ed: I got a six on that Insight check, so, uh…

Yubi: Seems legit. Hard to read! 

ed: Yeah, seems pretty goo-ood.

Yubi: You have never seen a creature like this before. It is bleeding. It has got glass in its face, and it seems pretty legit. Taro? 

 

[~45 minutes in]

 

ed: It’s wearing clothes, right, so it can’t be that bad.

Yubi: it’s kind of got leather armour, like appended to it. 

ed: Oh, so maybe it’s not wearing clothes.

Yubi: it’s not really wearing clothes, it’s more wearing armour.

ed: It’s just a kinda… skin upgrade.

Yubi: Yeahhh… 

Kitty: It didn’t shed properly last time.

ed: I don’t trust it anymore. But not in like a game-y way. In like the way somebody who might meet a snake-man who is like kinda naked, but kinda not…

Kitty: And just tried to stab both your travelling companions!

Ed: Yeah, also that reason, yeah.

Yubi: I like this kind of distinction of whether or not he’s wearing clothes that make this guy trustworthy.

[Kitty laughs, three loud short high pitched bursts and a wheezy drawn out breath.]

 

Gary as Nat: Where in Alfallen are we?

Yubi as Findex: Alfallen… I don’t know. 

Gary as Nat: This is…

Kitty: Oh my god! I would like to look up at the sky, are the clouds still covering everything?

Yubi: Clouds still covering everything. 

Kitty: I would like to roll for a panic attack.

Yubi: Make me a Constitution saving throw.

Kitty: Shit, shit shit… [dice roll] Yeah, that’ll be a… four.

ed: Oh, no… 

Yubi: You start to breathe quickly and shallowly– 

[Kitty starts panting as if having a panic attack]

Yubi: – And as you look up at the sky, the Sun seems… really big behind the clouds.

Kitty: Hmmmmy god!

 

Gary as Natalia: Oh shit!

Kitty as Nerium: We’re in space, we’re in space! 

Gary as Nat: We’re on a fucking moon!

Kitty as Nerium: [high pitched and whiny] Nooo! I don’t wanna be in space!

ed as Taro: Uh, I, look, I, eh… I don’t think we’re in space…

Gary: I just say that in character.

 

ed: I wanna go over to Nerium and just kinda go: 

ed as Taro: Look, I think you should take a deep breath or two, you seem to be getting’ a bit-

Kitty as Nerium: [high-pitched] Yeeaaahh. Yeah. Yea. [less high pitched] Are we in hell? Are we in hell?

ed as Taro: I mean, we might be in hell!

Yubi as Findex: [cough-laughs] There’s no hell – except for those you make yourself – here.

Kitty as Nerium: Oh, shut up!

Yubi as Findex: Come on.

ed as Taro: Yeahh, shut up! If you’re not even gonna wear pants, you can’t go talking like that.

Kitty as Nerium: [tearfully] Thank you, Taro!

 

Gary as Nat: [sounding suspiciously Findex-like] What are you doing here?

Gary: Wait, why am I speaking like him?

Gary: Ahum. [everyone laughs]

ed: You’re just getting in the mood!

Gary: [hissing, imitating Findex] what are you doing here?

Yubi: That was really good, actually…

Kitty: Hang on, which one’s the bard?

ed: It’s not, don’t just like, make the accent to speak the language, that’s not how this works. [laughter from all]

Kitty: [still amused] Awww…

Yubi: He’s speaking Common.

 

Gary as Nat: What are you doing here? 

Yubi as Findex: Let me go and I’ll take you to the group.

Kitty as Nerium: Yeah, no… I vote no. 

Yubi as Findex: I’ll take you to my commander.

Kitty as Nerium: Oh my god, I vote definitely no, there’s a commander? There’s a whole battalion of them? We don’t wanna get anywhere near that!

Gary as Nat: Why the fuck would we do that?

Yubi as Findex: [unsure] We can… help you? Who are you? Do you work… you work for the Queen, right?

ed as Taro: Ye- yeah, we work here, yeah.

Yubi as Findex: Not here, no one lives here.

 

Gary as Nat: Taro, for once: shut up. What queen?

Yubi as Findex: Queen Eusevius. The Queen. The Crimson Howl.

Gary as Nat: And… can you spell that? [howling laughter from all]

Yubi as Findex: No.

[Kitty continues uncontrollably laughing, setting the others off again too]

Yubi as Findex: I can’t… I can’t… read.

Gary: Now, have any of us heard of a Queen Eusevius?

Yubi: Nope.

Gary: Hmm…

 

Yubi as Findex: Are you part of the City? Where did you come from?

Kitty as Nerium: Somewhere else.

Kitty: Can I take out my dagger, and just sort of poke it towards him a bit, and say:

Kitty as Nerium: You see this?

Yubi as Findex: Yes.

Kitty as Nerium: You’re gonna take us somewhere where we can get food and water and shelter, and we are nowhere near your commander or any of your compatriots, and then we might let you go.

Yubi as Findex: They have-

ed as Taro: I’d like to note here it should be food for people with warm blood. At this point.

Kitty as Nerium: Yeah, that too.

 

Yubi as Findex: My commander has… all of these things! We work for the Queen, we are… part of the guard! For you are the ones in the Fallen City, where you should not be! 

Kitty as Nerium: Yeah, that’s kind of why we don’t wanna see your commander, ‘cause he might say hello with another big knife in the back. Look, look!

Kitty: And I’d like to turn ‘round and show that there is another rip in the back of my dress and I’ve only got one.

Gary as Nat: Why did you attack us if you’re a guard? Why not shout to us and warn us, or something?

 

Yubi: He looks at all of you and his eyes narrow. And he goes:

Yubi as Findex: [hiss] You’re part of the rebels, aren’t you? 

Kitty as Nerium: No…? 

Gary as Nat: Wha-? What rebels?

Yubi as Findex: I knew it. I knew it when I saw you poking around in here!

Kitty as Nerium: [mumbling very quietly and scared] There are rebels…?

 

Gary as Nat: You better start making sense. We’re not from here, and my sword hand is getting a little twitchy. [yubi chuckles]

Yubi as Findex: I will take you to the commander, and he will explain everything. And if you are… truly lost wanderers somehow here, then you’ll be free to go. But you shouldn’t be in the Fallen City.

ed as Taro: [vaguely annoyed] Why not?

Yubi as Findex: It’s dangerous and it’s under control.

ed as Taro: Under whose control?

Yubi as Findex: The Queen’s control.

ed as Taro: But what makes it dangerous? It seems alright so far…

Yubi: He looks at you, and his eyes drop down to the ground, and he goes:

Yubi as Findex: Those that live beneath the City are dangerous.

Kitty: [resigned] Oh, shit.

 

[~50 minutes in]

 

Gary: Can I roll Insight?

Yubi: uh, yeah, for sure.

Gary: See if it’s stackin’ up as truth.

ed: I’d like to pick up the sword he dropped as well.

Gary: Heh heh heh. Yeah.

Kitty: I too would like to roll Insight, actually.

Gary: Yeah, I have no idea…

Yubi: Okay, roll Insight.

ed: I’m gonna do it as well, everyone else is doing it and I don’t wanna be left out.

Kitty: Twenty-one. [impressed noises from the others]

ed: Seven!

Yubi: [impressed] Twenty-one! [normally] Seven. And?

Gary: Oh, three. 

 

Yubi: Oh. Taro and Natalia, he’s hard to read. Like, you guys are…

Gary: ‘cause he can’t read! 

Yubi: Yeah, he can’t read. He’s hard to read. And, he’s… you, you are both a bit sort of keyed up at this point but he seems pretty legit. Nerium – again, he is telling the truth, but you get the sense that he’s definitely not telling all of the truth.

Kitty as Nerium: [wary] Who are those who live beneath?

Yubi: He kind of shakes his head a little bit – careful of the blade a- nd goes:

Yubi as Findex: I am not strong enough… or far up enough… to know that…

Kitty as Nerium: Are they like you?

Yubi as Findex: [certainly] No.

Kitty: You know, like, big and yellow.

Yubi as Findex: They are the creatures that came with the city.

Kitty: Oohh?!

 

ed as Taro: Loo- look here, pal-

Kitty as Nerium: So this city came here! Ohh, ohh, you guys, it’s like I was saying, before! This city came here! It dropped here, didn’t it, it got teleportedy-type-thing! Didn’t it?!

Yubi as Findex: It dropped from the sky half a year ago or so.

ed as Taro, curious: Heh…

Kitty: I look excitedly at Taro and Natalia. Because I might have actually done a useful thing.

 

ed as Taro: Look. Look, you seem alright, what are yer pals like? You- ehh, tell us about yer pals, are you good friends? What’s the, eh… D’you, d’you hang out? D’you, d’you play games? What d’you get up to? [Gary giggles]

Yubi as Findex – this is clearly starting to kill their voice at this point, doing Findex’s character voice: I’m here as part of the guard. I’m here with my commander and with one other. We are but one small part of Queen Eusevius’s army, and we come and patrol to make sure that we catch the rebels. And we’ve already found a few here in the City today.

 

Kitty as Nerium: Are the rebels the same as the ones who live beneath?

Yubi as Findex: [certainly] No! [slight laughter] No.

Kitty as Nerium: So the rebels are like you? 

Yubi as Findex: [Angrily] Like me!? No.

Kitty as Nerium: I mean- no, no, just in the sense of they’re big and yellow.

Yubi as Findex. We are all sorts. We are all ‘all sorts’.

 

ed as Taro: Who’s your, eh, your other pal who’s come with you? Come on, you can tell me a bit more about that, can’t you? C’mon!

Yubi as Findex: Gehesh… and Sevron.

ed as Taro: What are they like?

Yubi as Findex: My commander… and my fellow soldier.

Gary as Natalia: Just… the three of you.

Yubi as Findex: As one small part. There will be others patrolling the upper layers. And there is one group who have gone down below.

Kitty as Nerium: Thank- you are very talkative, thank you very much!

Yubi as Findex, deadpan: You have a blade to my throat. 

Kitty as Nerium: I mean… that is a good point.

 

ed: I’d like at this point to pick up his sword, that he- I assume he’s a he, I dunno. Windex.

Kitty as Nerium: It’s hard to tell with these.

ed: I wanna pick up Windex’s sword.

Yubi: You pick up Findex’s sword.

ed: Findex’s, Windex- yeah, okay.

Yubi: Okay, yeah, alright.

 

Kitty: I’m sorry. It’s gonna be Windex from now on. 

Yubi: Windex. Fine, I’m making a change in my notes. [someone snorts with laughter]

Yubi: You pick up Windex’s sword.

 

Gary as Nat: Shall we… I think we should go to this commander.

Yubi as Findex: Yess. I will take you.

ed as Taro: But you’ll, uh… you’ll give us a good introduction, won’t you? We’ve had a good time so far, haven’t we?

Yubi as Findex: As long as you’re not rebels then of course. Although you shouldn’t be in the City.

ed as Taro: But you know we’re not rebels, right? You’re sure of that.

ed: I want to roll Persuasion because I have good points in Persuasion.

 

Yubi: Okay, yeah, go for it. We’ll take it for like, the culmative [Orion note: they mean ‘cumulative’] of the conversation. Please, roll me Persuasion.

ed: Twenty-two.

Yubi: [impressed] Twenty-two!

Kitty: Nice!

ed: Does he like me, does he like me? Are we pals now? I wanna be friends. With the lizard. 

Yubi: He kind of looks over the three of you, and he goes:

Yubi as Findex: The rebels are much smarter than you.

[Gary does an ‘oh shit’ laugh] 

Yubi as Findex: And better at hiding.

 

Gary as Nat: Well, okay. In a second I’m going to let you up. But, let me just show you something, first.

Gary: And I want to use my non-sword hand to, like, stroke his face.

Yubi, nervously: Oh, okay.

Gary: And then point the hand into the ground and unleash an Eldritch Bolt.

Yubi: Okayy. Roll me an Intimidation check with advantage.

Gary: A nineteen.

Yubi: A nineteen. As this bolt of energy ‘pssst’ into the ground, he kind of pushes back in shock and goes,

Yubi as Findex: [gasp]. You have a gift, clearly.

Gary as Nat: Oh… we all do. Now. Let’s be very clear, we are no rebels, we are merely… travellers here. I want no funny business, or you will be the first one to die.

Yubi as Findex: I understand.

 

[~55 minutes in]

 

ed as Taro: Ah c’mon, you don’t need to be so-… You don’t need to be so mean, Nat! C’mon, we’re alright here. Come, Windex, old buddy! Old… pal!

Kitty: [laughs] This is a fairly extreme good cop, bad cop. [Gary laughs]

Yubi: He very slowly pushes himself up to his feet, moving your blade away from his neck.

Gary as Nat: No, yeah, I’ve moved it, I’ve moved it.

Yubi: And as he stands, you can see that he’s in pretty bad shape, you did a fair amount of damage to him between you guys before you managed to subdue him. And he very slowly rolls his shoulders and kind of… stretches up to his full height, which is, you know, a lot taller than you guys. And he looks down at you and he goes,

 

Yubi as Findex: Then follow me… and I will take you to the commander. [pauses] Can I have my sword? 

ed as Taro: I actually… quite like this sword.

ed: Do I like this sword?

Yubi: It’s a- it’s an alright sword.

ed as Taro: I like this sword, so I’m just gonna hold onto it for a little bit. You won’t mind, I’ll give it back to you later.

Yubi as Findex: Alright. Fine.

Yubi: And he starts to walk into this same building that you saw before the one that seems to lead into the heart of the City rather than round one of the outside rings of stone.

 

[the violin starts up under the dialogue to signify the upcoming end of the episode]

 

Gary: As I follow, I’ve got one hand outstretched, ready to blast him if he does anything… dubious.

Yubi: Mmm’kayy.

Kitty: I am following and walking along but I am at the back and I am keeping an eye out for hiding places.

ed: [throughout ed’s sentence, the music denoting the ending of the episode is building up. It’s a fast-paced drumming piece full of tension and energy] I’m gonna kind of be swinging the sword around, pretending like I’m just messing around. [everyone laughs] But I also wanna keep an eye out ahead of us, to see any alleyways, anything like that where people might be hiding. Like scanning the windows, anything that’s in front of us, that sort of stuff.

Kitty: Yeah, same.

 

[The main theme breaks through, the mysterious harmonic voices now joining the drumming.]

 

[END OF EPISODE 6]