Thanks to the incredible hard work done by Orion, the third episode of The Mortal Path has been thoroughly and utterly transcribed! We are just so overwhelmingly grateful, he’s put so much work into this fantastic transcript, and we’re so excited to be able to share his work with you all. While he plans to transcribe all the episodes, transcription is a time consuming and difficult task, and this is a passion project of his. We’ll be updating the site with new transcriptions as they come, and will be keeping you all updated on Twitter. If anyone is interested in helping Orion write these transcripts, please email us at themortalpath@gmail.com so we can put you in touch!

So, with another HUGE thank you to Orion, we are so pleased to present here:

Episode 3: On Foot
https://themortalpath.podbean.com/e/3-on-foot/

Created by Yubi, Gary, Kitty and ed.

Transcribed by Orion, because he quite likes transcribing things in his spare time, and he likes TMP even more than that. Any corrections to suggest to this transcription should be sent to themortalpath@gmail.com with ‘Transcript Error’ in the subject line.

Timestamps written are approximate rather than exact, so as to avoid breaking up the flow of the dialogue. All attempts at recreating Yubi’s weird mouth sounds are Orion’s own.

 

Gary as Natalia: Previously on The Mortal Path…

[clips from previous episode with a floaty synth melody underneath with an insistent ticking undertone]
Yubi: Taro’s hand just passes through these two chests.
ed: Alright, that’s going in my pocket. Don’t give a shit about the bracelet, that’s going in my ass pocket. My bad- [laughter]
Yubi: It tastes exactly like your mother’s stew. You feel mechanically probably about a hit point better.
Gary: There is a massive smile on my face. [the music stops]
Yubi: There is suddenly a voice that echoes around all of you. [the lone violin starts in to signify the theme tune starting]
Kitty as Nerium: Those were names!
Gary as Natalia: Two I’ve, uh, pissed off permanently.
Kitty as Nerium: Are you saying you killed them?
Gary as Natalia: Uh, yes.
Yubi: Hundreds of thousands of tiny little lights shine all over the walls and seem to almost twinkle.
ed: You’ve already got the Cradle.
Yubi: The stars of the Cradle glow brighter. It flares into light and make it hover in the sky. You are somewhere in the ice ring that circles the planet Alfallen.
Kitty as Nerium: Where the fuck are we?!

[The Mortal Path’s theme tune (by Rachel Graff) begins properly.]

Yubi: As you walk down towards the village, you can see that in front of you that the houses are mostly made of wood and stone. And that kind of makes sense because you are halfway up a mountain with a very big, deep, dark forest sort of stretching out below you towards the foot of the mountains. There are little lights twinkling in the windows. It’s still twilight. [jazzy, jaunty synch chords start to play under the dialogue with an easy feeling] The stars have kind of rotated across the sky as far as you guys have been walking, but the light doesn’t seem to have changed. And that’s something that you guys know is common for the area that you are in. The houses, looking at them, you notice that some of them are the scale for either Natalia and Taro, and some of them are smaller, they look more like Meredith sized. And Devin turns to the little village as he walks towards it and goes,
Yubi as Devin: Well, welcome to Little Ebbing.
Kitty as Nerium: Thank you very much, Sir.
ed as Taro: It’s a charming place, Devin. It’s truly charming.
Yubi as Devin: Ah well, thank you very much.
Gary as Natalia: It is indeed. Can you show us the way to the inn?

Yubi as Devin: Ah, well… We don’t really have an inn here, we’re not exactly a tourist hub, y’know.
Gary as Natalia: Oh, how quaint.
Yubi as Devin: Well, I suppose you could say that. It’s not very practical, but…
Kitty as Nerium: Oh, Mr Devin, would there be anywhere that we could stay, ‘cause it’s very cold out here.
Yubi as Devin: I imagine you must be freezing. You’re not dressed for this weather and you don’t seem to have much on you. I suppose-… [sighs] I suppose you can stay the night with me, if you want. I’ve got a spare room.
Kitty as Nerium: Yes please, Sir.
ed as Taro: We’d be happy to, Devin. Now lead the way. Let’s get going.
Yubi as Devin: Alright, but before I do, I just wanna check – I just wanna check on Astin’s house. I wanna see if he did come home or if I missed him or something.
ed as Taro: Alright, if you insist.
Yubi as Devin: I’ll just be a minute. If you’ll just follow me.

Yubi: He starts to lead you into the village and you can see that the houses are sort of more randomly placed than actually planned out. There’s a main road that’s not paved, but the ground is worn down enough that it’s easy to walk along. But the houses don’t seem to be put in any sort of pattern. And as he gets down to the end of the main road where you can see the path curves down towards the forest, he turns to a little house on the right and knocks on the door. And the door opens and a woman with the same sort of pale skin and brown hair – sort of plaited – pokes her head round. And as she does, the huge head of a dalmation also goes ‘hhooof oof oof’ at the door. And Devin leans down and he pats the dog and he says,
Yubi as Devin: Astin’s not been home, has he?
Yubi: And she shakes her head and goes,
Yubi, in a quiet, feminine Scottish accent: Oh, no, but we’re not expecting him back really just now. I suppose he’ll be back in the next hour or so. Why?
Yubi: And Devin goes,
Yubi as Devin: Oh, no, no – I just thought he’d be back. Would you let me know when he is back? There’s just a couple of wee things I wanna speak to him about.
Yubi: and she goes,
Yubi as Scottish lady: Of course! Uh, and who are your friends there?
Yubi: And she peers over to look at all three of you.

ed as Taro: Well I am Taro Tarnassian the noted adventurer and explorer. You may well have heard of me – in fact, I’d be surprised if you hadn’t. But I suppose you probably don’t get much news out this way. And this is my travelling band, my companions.
Gary as Natalia: Woah, woah, woah. My name is Natalia, from the city of Cindarion. I think you’ll find that this is my band of adventurers.
Yubi as Scottish lady: Ah, right…
Kitty: I just lean out from behind the two of them and wave.
Yubi: She gives you a little hesitant wave [Kitty giggles quietly] and she goes,
Yubi as Scottish lady: Right. Okay, well I’m afraid I haven’t heard of either of you before, but pleasure to meet you I’m sure.
ed as Taro: Well, that’s unfortunate for you.
Yubi as Scottish lady: A-Aye. Evidently so.

[~5 minutes in]

Gary: As we’re having this exchange, I’m doing my best to keep this second sword – which I don’t have a scabbard for – behind my back. [laughter]
Yubi: Okay, hold on one second. [rolls] Woah- no. She doesn’t seem to notice. And she looks back to Devin, and Devin kind of shrugs his shoulders and goes,
Yubi as Devin: Yeah, well alright, you just let me know when Astin gets home.
Yubi: And she goes,
Yubi as Scottish lady: Of course. See you later.
Yubi: And closes the door. Devin turns back to you guys with a confused look and his face and he goes,
Yubi as Devin: Alright, well I suppose you’d better follow me to my house.
ed as Taro: Alright.
Gary as Natalia: Please lead on, good Sir.
Yubi as Devin: Of course! I feel very good about this decision that I’ve made and this offer that I’ve offered. [laughter]
Yubi: And he starts kind of heading towards his house. And he branches off to the left and kind of goes round one of the circles, until he’s a wee bit from Astin’s house-…. You see, this is the trouble when I start doing a Scottish accent. [Kitty laughs] It starts coming back into my normal narration and I’ve gotta try and cut it back. Um… He opens the door and it’s not locked – the doors here don’t really seem to have locks on them – and as he leads you in, there seems to be one big main room with a bunch of sofas and couches, a fireplace, a little kitchen area towards the back… There’s two doors on the left and one on the right and he walks in and immediately starts to light the fire. He goes,
Yubi as Devin: Uh, close the door behind you. Come in, come in, have a seat.

ed: I close the door. Does it close? Did we do it? Did I close the door? [laughter]
Yubi: You’ve solved my door puzzle. [laughter]
ed: Do I have to roll for that one, or…
Yubi: You gain three levels, congratulations.
ed: Can I roll for that one?
Yubi: [laughing] Give me a roll for it, sure.
ed: Yeah, I’m rolling.
Yubi: Make me a-…
ed: I got a nat twenty! I’m gonna fuckin’… [sighs] I wasted my-…
Yubi: Make me a dexterity check.
ed: I got a natural twenty!
Yubi: You got a nat twenty?!
ed: Yeah, I rolled a natural twenty!
Kitty: God-dang, that is one shut door.
ed: Wow.
Yubi: You close the door and it clicks into place with the most satisfying click that you’ve ever heard a door make
Gary: I look at Taro with newfound respect. [laughter]
ed: I wink.
Gary: I am not sure what to make of that. [Yubi laughs]

Kitty: I am making my way towards the fireplace and sitting myself down on the floor as close to it as possible.
Yubi: Okay, as you guys start to get settled, Devin lights the fire and it roars into life and he goes into one of the siderooms and he comes back a moment later with three very thick furred blankets. And he brings them over and he hands them to each of you and he goes,
Yubi as Devin: I don’t really-… I mean, ah… I can give you some extra clothing if you want? But I’m a bit bigger than all of you – especially you, ma’am. So I don’t think it’d fit you or be very comfortable. But I’ve got some blankets for now if that’s alright.
Kitty as Nerium: If you should find yourself with any sort of spare clothing, I would be very happy to take a little while to adapt it. I’m quite handy with a needle.
Yubi as Devin: I mean… “Spare” as in, like, you can wear it for the night. I do want to keep my clothing.
Kitty as Nerium: No, obviously we would- well, I… I don’t know about my companions… But I would be happy to pay for some warmer shirt or coat of some kind.

Yubi as Devin: Oh, uh, no, you don’t need to do that. Give me a minute and I’ll see what I can find. I’ll tell you what, I’m just gonna-… Are you hungry? Are you thirsty?
Kitty as Nerium: I wouldn’t say no to something to eat. That would be very kind.
Gary as Natalia: I think we are rather parched
ed as Taro: I’ve travelled here to sample the local cuisine and I’m very much looking forward to it. [laughter]
Yubi as Devin: And ah… What local cuisine would that be, perhaps?
ed as Taro: I’m about to find out. [laughter]
Yubi as Devin: Fair enough! Fair enough, I suppose. Well, the dish of the evening is broth… and stew. ‘Cause that’s all I’m really good at making, if I’m honest.
Gary as Natalia: Broth and stew?
Yubi as Devin: Well, it starts out as broth but if you leave it long enough, it does become stew. [Kitty laughs]
ed as Taro: That’s disgusting, but I’m looking forward to it.
Yubi as Devin: Well, we’ll just see at what point you guys really want to eat it and it’ll either be broth or soup or stew – one of the three.
Kitty as Nerium: I like broth.
Yubi as Devin: There you go. [laughter] You’ll be eating quickly in no time.

Yubi: And he goes over to his stove and he takes a big metal pot. And you can see inside as he starts setting it up that there’s already remnants of stew in there. And he adds a whole lot of water and he lights a little fire underneath the stove and he starts to stir it. And after a second or so when it’s settled on the fire, he heads through the same door that he went through. And a moment or two later he comes back with three-… what are clearly nightshirts which he probably grew out of maybe six years ago? Five years ago? They’re all relatively roughly made. Some have got holes in them in places, the hems have come undone, you can actually see where it’s been let down a couple of times to make it last longer. And he kind of sheepishly holds them out to the three of you and goes,

[~10 minutes in]

Yubi as Devin: That’s all I’ve got, but they’re very warm, you see, they’ve got thick material, so… They’ll probably help a wee bit.
Kitty as Nerium: Oh, they look wonderful, Sir, thank you very much.
Gary as Natalia: Such great hospitality.
Kitty: I proceed to put it on over the top of my clothes and then wrap myself back up in my blanket.
Yubi: It absolutely dwarfs you. It’s like a dress that’s like 3 times too long for you.
Kitty: I am very small.
Gary: I do the same. And as I do, I look around the room and I’m especially looking for any books.
Yubi: Any books? Roll me investigation.
Gary: Uh, nine… [laughter]
Yubi: Nine. You look around. You start to look around, but as you do you notice-… Very quickly Taro, are you putting your…?
ed: Yeah, yeah, count me in.
Yubi: As you look around, you notice this… Merry kind of climbing into her nightshirt. But you, Taro, have a moment of difficulty with the horns. Because this is not quite a garment- it can only go over the head, it’s not very easy to get off. The horn kind of goes through one hole already in the shirt. And it kind of distracts you for a second [Kitty giggling] before everybody starts to speak again. And you don’t see any books, actually, there doesn’t seem to be a bookshelf or anything like that.
Gary: Okay.

Yubi: You all manage to put your clothing on.
Gary: Woohoo!
Kitty: We’ve solved your clothing puzzle.
ed: Are we in like a kitchen/diner style scenario?
Yubi: Yeah. It’s all one sort of room. And Devin has come back in. He starts to ladle out the soup – broth at this point – which has started to boil. And he comes over and he puts in your hands each a bowl, which is this very nice smelling stew. It’s a bit watery, there’s little bits of grease on top – it’s clearly not expertly cooked. And he gives you each a hunk of bread roll that’s a bit stale. And he sits down at one end of the couch with a bowl in his hand. And he goes,
Yubi as Devin: So, really. How did you get here? Really?
ed as Taro: On foot, my friend.
Gary: I mean, that is technically true.
Kitty: As I take my bowl from him, I would like to smile in thanks and with my hand on the side of the bowl, just in thieves’ cant, sign ‘Hello’ and see if anything happens.
Yubi: Nothing happens. He doesn’t seem to take any particular notice of that.
Kitty: Okay. That’s fine. I will go and sit down silently and let the other two do that talky thing they’re so good at. [Yubi laughs]

ed as Taro: Now. I’m very interested in what sort of job you have that means you can go and lie down in the road for four hours. [Gary laughs] What’s your life story, friend? How did you end up in this position? [Kitty laughs]
Yubi as Devin: Ah, well, I’m a forester of course.
ed as Taro: What does that mean?
Yubi as Devin: It means I chop down trees.
ed as Taro: Chopped any good trees lately? [laughter]
Yubi as Devin: I did, I chopped a very good tree yesterday actually! Which is exactly why I had a day off.
ed as Taro: Ooh, good work, I’m so glad. What sort of trees you chop down?
Yubi as Devin: Well, the big pine trees in the forest just down that way. I’m sure you would’ve seen it.
ed as Taro: Are they all the same? What’s the nuance to this technique?
Yubi as Devin: Well, you want to find one that’s probably a wee bit dead, so it’s a wee bit easier to splinter. But you want to make sure you know which way it’s gonna fall. A-A-Anyway! Hold on!
ed as Taro: Take me on a word journey here, friend, I wanna travel the world through your eyes.

Yubi as Devin: No, I want you to take me on a journey. How did you get past Little Ebbing? We’ve got guards here! We’ve got ways which we can watch the roads, you know. There’s only one way back up and one way down. There’s no way you could’ve found the back way and it’s pretty difficult, and you’re not kitted out for it.
ed as Taro: And yet, we didn’t see any guards. So, ball’s in your court my friend.
Kitty as Nerium: Why do you have guards on a village this small? I mean, I notice it seems very friendly here – everybody’s lovely and you don’t lock your doors…
Yubi as Devin: Well, no, but y’know. People get bored, and it’s something for people to do every now and again.
Kitty as Nerium: Keeps boys out of trouble.
Yubi as Devin: That’s what I think. Also, we’re not too far from Grendelford, so very occasionally you’ll get someone who’s running away from there, and they tend to pick the only path up the mountain which is us, so… We’re that wee last stop gap between here and the peaks.
Gary as Natalia: What is this ‘Grendelford’ place you speak of?
Yubi as Devin: The next big town over. It’s through the forest, sort of more towards the foot of the mountains. Actually, we’ve got a group of hagglers going down tomorrow morning. We could probably get them to take you, if that’s where you want to be heading.
Gary as Natalia: Ah, possibly. Might I ask – why are they running away from Grendelford?

Yubi as Devin: Oh, it’s just a big city, you know. You get a wee lad in trouble, who’s stolen a wee thing here and they thought, ‘oh, I better leave town for a while’. And we’re the only place nearby. So here, you know, we’ve only got 3 guards so it’s more for show. Makes everyone feel a bit better occasionally. Sometimes someone has a fight. How did you get up the mountain again?
ed as Taro: We came from the other side, you see. We set off early in the morning – we had to be quick before, y’know, the mists come down. And we headed up through the path from… B-B-… Bandababolin… [laughter] And we walked the old road, you see. We’d… You might notice Nat here is a bit of a reader. She’d been reading some books, and she happened to find a map of the old road. I thought, y’know, it’s a good a time to chance it as any. So we headed off.

[~15 minutes in]

Kitty as Nerium: There’s… something very interesting about this area! Apart from the natural beauty and the friendliness of the residents. And, y’know, actually, I think actually in terms of demonstrating cuisine, this is extremely nice broth. So thank you very much for sharing it with us. Um, I don’t know – I’ve not come across magic much myself, but do you know if there’s anything around here in the area, where… Odd stories, funny things that you might have heard about?
Yubi as Devin: Ah, I mean…
Kitty as Nerium: Kind of more towards the mountains than towards the villages, really.
Yubi as Devin: I mean… Do you mean recently?
Kitty as Nerium: Well, I suppose.
Yubi as Devin: Around about a month ago, we had a bit of out of season mountain fire. You know, when the skies light up. That was a bit weird but i don’t think it was magic, it was probably just, y’know, weather. There’s not a lot of magic around here, y’know. This is of course, where-… I’m sure you guys know the local myth of Ice Tooth, right?
Kitty as Nerium: Of course! Although we’ve found that it changes depending on who tells it. So if you could tell us your version, that would be very interesting.
Yubi as Devin: Really? It’s a pretty simple story. It’s just… back in the beginning, there was this great big snake that went round the world. It got bigger and bigger and it bit its own tail and it killed itself ‘cause it froze itself to death. And that’s why we’ve got ice here. It’s not that hard.
Kitty as Nerium: Well, I mean, sometimes there are embellishments. I suppose Taro would be the one to tell you about that more than me. [Gary laughs]

Yubi as Devin: You did seem to spin a good tale.
ed as Taro: Now, as I was saying. We’d set off early in the morning, but we’d certainly kitted up for this one – we didn’t think the old road was gonna be easy. I feel I should continue this story-
Gary as Natalia, interrupting: How about the nearby city? [laughter]
Kitty: Natalia’s manners are beautiful.
Gary: Natalia’s just gonna – errr- just sort of sidle in.
Yubi as Devin: Well, the nearby city Grendelford-…
Gary as Natalia: Grendelford, yes.
Yubi as Devin: What do you wanna know about it?
Gary as Natalia: Have you heard any magical occurrences there?
Yubi as Devin: Uh, no…? Not really – not that I can think of. Not really. We’ve not got a lot of magic in these parts, really, not that I know of. I certainly don’t.
Yubi: And he waves his fingers in like a ‘hooo~’ way.
Kitty: I kind of go, [high-pitched] ‘ha-ha-ha-ha!’ like it’s really funny. [Yubi laughs]
Gary: I wave my fingers, but very carefully. [laughter]

Yubi: As you do that, he looks at you and he goes,
Yubi as Devin: Oh, you look like you’ve got a bit of red on you – what is that?
Gary as Natalia: Ooh, it’s nothing.
Yubi as Devin: Is that a tattoo or something?
Gary as Natalia: Yes! Yes, it is. It’s a lovely tattoo.
Yubi as Devin: That must have hurt.
Gary as Natalia: Oh, you know? I’ve quite forgotten the pain.
Yubi as Devin: Right. Right, well, I mean-…
Gary as Natalia: It’s there to remind me that I’m always ready.
Yubi as Devin: [laughing a little] Oh, well that’s very good, I like that. That’s a good one. That’s ah, sure to keep you going. Alright, well, like I said – you’re welcome to stay here for the night. If you’re looking to move onto Grendelford, your best bet is probably-… The way that we are, you’ll be wanting to head down through the mountain path, through the forest, and then you’ll be there, it’s about two days walk or so from here. But I do want to stress that-… I’m not saying that you guys are acting really suspicious and weird or anything, but we are at minimum two days walk from anywhere. You don’t really have coats or tents. And I’m very confused as to how you got past us and up the mountain? Because you really should have died.

ed as Taro: Look – are you not listening to my story? We came from the other side of the mountain.
Yubi as Devin: Yeah, but that’s four days’ walk away.
ed as Taro: Well, yeah. [long pause, then Gary laughs]
Yubi as Devin: But how did you do it?
ed as Taro: On foot. I was about to tell you, but people keep interrupting me!
Yubi as Devin: Oh, I’m sorry, please do continue.
ed as Taro: As I was saying: It was a cold morning, we kitted up, we’re headin’ off down the old road, and after about a day’s traveling – you know how it is, you get up through the foothills – we’d realised we were deep and lost in the back foothills. And at that point we decided to abandon all our clothes and we walked much faster after that! And now we’re here.
Gary as Natalia: Speaking of clothes, is there anywhere where we could possibly purchase some clothes and equipment?
Yubi as Devin: Uhh, we’ve got a wee shop that you can get some stuff from, but mainly our trade comes from Grendelford. You’ll want to sort of wait a couple of days and wait for some stuff to come up. Generally it works on an order placed kind of way.
ed as Taro: A wee shop, you say?
Yubi as Devin: Aye, just a wee one. You know, just with what’s locally available. We sort of help each other out a bit, y’know. It’s sort of our thing.

[~20 minutes in – the easy, slow synth music is still playing beneath the dialogue in the same simple but jaunty tune]

Kitty as Nerium: I mean, if we stay another few days, we haven’t anywhere to stay but what you’ve very generously provided for us here. So I suppose we’re either gonna be cold on the road or cold not on the road, somewhere in the village.
Yubi as Devin: Oh, well if you want to head down to Grendelford, like I said, tomorrow we’ve got a caravan going down, they’ll probably take you – it’s only a day’s ride.
Kitty: I look at the others.
ed as Taro: Well, my friends. It looks like we’re gonna… ride the caravan!
Gary as Natalia: Uh, yes. I don’t know why you said it in such a grand manner, but yes.
ed as Taro: Well, I suppose it’s time we should sleep. Our party is very tired. I am bleeding still, I think. [Gary laughs] I’m really sorry.
Yubi as Devin: Where are you bleeding from?! [laughter]
ed as Taro: I don’t know.
Yubi as Devin: Do you want me to-
Gary as Natalia: You don’t want to know.
ed as Taro: There was some wolves.
Yubi as Devin: Do you want me to look at that? I mean, I’m no medic, but.
ed as Taro: Well, it depends – you can look at my arms, if you like.
Yubi as Devin: Alright.

ed: Are they- are my arms bleeding, Yubi?
Yubi: No! [laughter]
ed: Yubi, am I bleeding? Or am i making this up? I’m on 1 HP. Am I bleeding?
Yubi: You’re not bleeding! You had a small nosebleed in the cave when Natalia decked you, but that’s it…
ed: Alright.
Kitty: I mean, we’re all at stupidly low hit points at the moment because we didn’t take any rests.
Yubi: Yeah, you all look pretty ragged. You all feel exhausted. You’re tired, you’re no longer hungry but you’re still cold even with the fire and the blankets – it is very cold here.
Kitty: I feel like a long rest would be a good plan.
Yubi: You all look battered, you all look a bit like, y’know, you’ve been through some stuff. You’re very tired, you’re cold – you’re no longer hungry, but you’re not bleeding from anywhere. At least, not visually?
ed: Alright. My mistake.
Kitty: Internal bleeding. The best kind.
Yubi: Maybe. [laughs]

ed as Taro: In that case, we ought to be off to sleep.
Yubi as Devin: Alright, that’s fine. Right, well – like I said, I do have a spare room. I’ve got one bed and I can put some blankets on the floor.
ed as Taro: I will take the bed.
ed: I’m gonna go take the bed. Show me the bed.
Kitty as Nerium: I mean, it’s very cold and I think perhaps if we were to-… None of us is huge. If we were to share the bed, we would be more likely to stay warm.
Gary as Natalia: Oh, my Lord.
ed as Taro: Are you talking about a Big Spoon, Little Spoon situation here?
Gary as Natalia: Where do the spoons come in?!
Kitty as Nerium: Ah, I am pretty much talking about that, but nothing more than that, Mr Taro – and let me make that perfectly clear.

Yubi: Devin very loudly opens the bedroom door and goes,
Yubi as Devin: This is the room! I’ll see you in the morning!
Yubi: And then goes into another room.
Kitty as Nerium: I’m speaking from a purely practical standpoint here.
ed as Taro: We’ll be very clear on the lack of touching here. I don’t know what you’re insinuating but I am not one to be touched. [Gary laughs]
Kitty as Nerium: Well I mean, unless we’re gonna be close to each other, we’re not gonna get the benefit of the warmth, love. [Yubi laughing]
ed as Taro: Fine.
Gary as Natalia: There’s a nice fire here!
Kitty as Nerium: Right, that’s fine by me, whatever.
Kitty: And I will bundle myself up slightly grumpily in my blankets.

ed: Are we not doing it- I thought we were gonna do the, the, the, the thing!
Kitty: If you’re going to lie on the opposite side of the bed to me, I’m not gonna get any warmer, am I?! [Yubi laughs]
ed: Fine.
ed as Taro: Alright, look, look – no handsiness.
Kitty: I will cautiously move towards Taro. Paying very good attention to his emotional boundaries.
Yubi: [laughing] Okay. So after a small standoff, Taro and… Nerium?-
Kitty: Meredith…
Yubi: -slowly climb into the bed. It’s a big double bed. There’s a lot of space.
Kitty as Nerium: There’s a double bed! Come on, Natalia! You’re going to be cold out there!
ed as Taro: Why are you so-… I don’t know.
Gary as Natalia: Uh, uh…
Gary: How warm is it by the fire?
Yubi: It’s warm, but there aren’t any more logs in it. And Devin has disappeared.
Gary as Natalia: Uh, okay.
Gary: And I will join the pile.

Kitty as Nerium: Look, I’m little. I’ll go in the middle and then you don’t have to- y’know. Yeah. It was my idea.
ed as Taro: Fine.
ed: I’m gonna just get in the bed. My clothes are staying on though. [Laughter]
Kitty: So are mine! The point is warmth! The point is warmth.
ed: This is a weird situation all in all. Is this D&D? What are we playing?
Gary: Okay, we all sleep together. [Yubi laughs]
ed: Good God.
Yubi: Wow.
Gary: This is what you planned from the start, isn’t it?
Yubi: Hey, I said there was space on the floor.
Kitty: But it’s cold!
Yubi: Baby, it’s cold outside.
Kitty; I know, sleeping when you are cold is miserable.

Yubi: Speaking of – this room actually has no windows. It’s one thing that you’ve noticed, is that the front room had windows but the bedroom doesn’t seem to have any. And it does seem to be a bit warmer because of it. There does seem to be less of a breeze. But you guys, I assume – your swords you put aside and stuff? You’re not-…
Gary: No, we all sleep with our swords out. Without the scabbards. [laughter]
Yubi: Or not?
ed: Can I put my sword down the back of the bed?
Yubi: Like down the headboard?
ed: Yeah.
Yubi: Yes, you can do that.
Kitty: To be fair, it’s not gonna be the first time Nerium’s been in a bed with two swords, but… [Yubi and Kitty laughing]
ed: I don’t like this campaign… [Yubi and Gary laugh more, Kitty cackles]
Yubi: Okay, alright, okay. So. It probably takes you guys a little while to fall asleep because it is intensely, hilariously awkward.
ed: Because our boundaries are being invaded.

[~25 minutes in]

Yubi: Everybody is very aware of where everyone else is in a small double bed. But it is warm, and you guys do all manage to drop off.
Kitty: Can I say, it does not take Nerium long to drop off at all. She does not have any issue with this. She just falls asleep.
Gary: It takes Natalia fucking ages. Because this has been a day of new experiences, to put it mildly. [Yubi laughs] And I don’t think she’s ever shared a bed with someone.
Yubi: Okay, there you go. So Natalia takes longer, Nerium’s out like a light.
ed: I’ll be in the middle.
Yubi: But not physically, because-…
ed: No, not physically. The middle of time.
Kitty: Yeah, don’t roll on me. I’m small, you’ll squash me.

Yubi: Okay, after some time – you guys aren’t entirely sure when because you all are asleep – you are awoken. [The jazzy, quiet music stops and is replaced by a low, intense drumbeat beneath the dialogue] And you’re all woken at exactly the same time because the door of the bedroom [exploding noise] flies open and as you all blink awake and glance over, there is a very, very tall, broad woman with pale skin and long brown hair that’s tied up in a high ponytail. You’ve not seen her before and she has snow melting on her thick furs and leathers and on her pale skin and she is brandishing an axe. And she points it at the three of you and she goes,
Yubi, in a low, threatening, thick Scottish accent: Don’t… Move… A muscle… You three are under arrest for the murder of Astin Kaius.
ed as Taro: Alright, uh, what?!

Yubi: She starts to step into the room, still holding out the axe. And you can see behind her that there are two other human guards with that same pale skin and dark hair and they both kind of scurry into the room and very hesitantly hang back, looking nervous and brandishing short swords. And she goes,
Yubi as Velm Saldan, the head guard: Get their weapons. [Orion note: this name isn’t said in the episode, but it’s a fun bonus for you guys reading the transcript]
Yubi: And they creep round the edge of the bed and very tentatively take your swords which have been left on the side and pull back. And she goes,
Yubi as Velm: Slowly now. Out the bed, all of you.

[All at once]
Kitty: As soon as she says that, my eyes-… [indecipherable]
Gary: [complete indecipherable under ed and Kitty]
ed: Presumably, I’m-… Who’s closest to the side of the bed?

Yubi: You all spoke at the same time there. [laughter]
ed: Somebody other than me talk.
Gary: And so… An extremely awkward scenario of people climbing over each other and just falling off out of the bed… [laughter]
ed: We’ve gotta organise this right. Whoever’s nearest to the side should get out first, come on. I’m not kneeing someone in the back.
Gary: We get out of the bed.
Kitty: It would be Nat first, realistically. Because she got in last.
ed: Fair.

Gary as Natalia: Uh, excuse me. Now firstly, let me say these are completely untrue allegations. And we did not kill this person. Um… What is the evidence against us…?
Yubi as Velm: That would be stab wounds in the body. And three strangers with swords.
Yubi: And as you say that, she reaches forward, and she’s still holding the axe in one hand. And she grabs one of your arms and pulls you forward a step-
Gary as Natalia: Ah!
Yubi: And one of the guards takes a pair of handcuffs, pretty old and rusted looking handcuffs, they don’t look like they see a lot of use. And they go chk-chk on either side of your wrists and she reaches for Nerium and then again, chk-chk, the same. And then she reaches over to Taro and pulls you forward a step and then again, chk-chk. And all three of you now have cuffs on your wrists.

Kitty: I would like to say,
Kitty as Nerium: Um, actually, that second sword also belongs to the lady with the red hand. [Gary starts to protest]. I do not possess a sword and have absolutely nothing to do with any crime that has been committed here.
ed as Taro: Yep, neither do I. She’s our sword carrier. She carries all three swords.
Gary as Natalia: No, I-…! This is-… This is completely untrue! Hm, some good friends you are!
ed: Have I seen this model of handcuff before?
Yubi: Um… [Gary laughs] Hold on…
ed: I feel like this is a reasonable question.
Yubi: Yeah. I should probably give you a reasonable answer. [rolls] Yes.
ed: Cool. Thank you.
Kitty: Have I seen this model of handcuff before?
Yubi: [rolls] No.
Gary: Uh, have I seen this model of handcuff before? [laughter]
Yubi: Things are coming out now, huh?! [rolls] Yes. So! The guard woman – as you’re starting to get the impression that this is the head of the guards – she points to you, Natalia, in the middle. And she says,

Yubi as Velm: I don’t care who carries the swords. You’re all under arrest. Pat ‘em down real quick.
Yubi: And the two guards step forward and very, very gingerly start to pat you guys down. Who here is carrying concealed weapons…?
Kitty: Me…
Yubi: Yeah… Anyone else got anything on them?
ed: I don’t believe so. I think I had a dagger in my backpack, maybe.
Yubi: Okay.
Gary: I’ve got some stuff in my backpack, but nothing else.
Kitty: I have a dagger in my skirts. And a coin purse, and a sewing kit and some other random bits and pieces – including thieves’ tools. [laughter]
Yubi: [rolls] Oh, okay. Okay, so one of the guards starts patting you down. And you feel their hand go over the dagger, and then keep going. They don’t seem to have noticed it. And then [rolls] they pat over where your thieves’ tools would be and keep going. [Kitty quietly gasps] And the other guard starts to open your backpacks and other stuff you have and starts to look through them. And what do you have in there Taro?

[~30 minutes in]

ed: Yeah, I’ve got a lot of shit, right? I’ve got some dice, I’ve got some cards, I’ve got all sorts of shit, probably.
Yubi: She pulls out a dagger and from yours, Natalia-… What’s in there?
Gary: I’ve got a diary, a book, a crowbar, a hammer…
Yubi: She pulls out a crowbar and a hammer and looks confused.
Kitty: [laughs] Did they find my sewing kit?
Yubi: No. They didn’t.
Kitty: They didn’t find any of my stuff.
Yubi: They haven’t seemed to check that. Have you got a backpack as well?
Kitty: No! Because I don’t travel out in the world normally. In a normal day of work.
Yubi: They don’t seem to have noticed what is on you, Meredith, but they do pull out the hammer and the crowbar from Natalia’s backpack and the dagger from Taro’s. And one of them goes,

Yubi, as another, very nervous guard: I-I found this! I found these!
Yubi: And the main guard takes them and she looks at the hammer and she turns it in her hands and she goes,
Yubi as Velm: Aye, I think I’ve got enough evidence for this now.
Kitty: I would like to gasp in obvious horror as these things are produced. [gasps]
Yubi: Roll me a deception check.
Gary as Natalia: This looks a lot worse than it is!
Kitty: That would be a nat twenty.
ed as Taro: I am very shocked and surprised by this.
Yubi: Roll me a deception check.
ed: Sixteen.
Yubi: She kind of looks over the two of you, and then she puts her hand on the handcuffs between Natalia’s, and she starts to pull you out the room. And she goes,
Yubi as Velm: Alright, bring the other two as well – but this one I think is maybe the one we’re looking for.
ed as Taro: I always knew you wanted to lead the band!
Kitty: I say nothing, I’m just shuffling out. Possibly looking a bit upset.

Yubi: Okay, as you guys are pulled through the sitting room – or well, as Natalia is pulled. Taro and Meredith you both have a short-sword sort of nervously at your backs. And as you go through the sitting room, Devin is standing by his kitchen area, and his face is just white. And there are tears rolling down his cheeks. And he says nothing as you guys are dragged past him. You guys are led through the village and at this point, you can see now that there are people looking out. It seems to be mostly humans and dwarves, and they’re looking out of windows and peering round buildings. And you guys are taken to this big building in the middle that seems to be in the centre of town, but that doesn’t seem to be any community building. And at the back you can see that there’s some kind of fortified shed? And you guys are dragged inside and one chair is pulled forward and Natalia, you are sat down on that pulled forward chair. Taro and Nerium you guys are pushed towards the back wall and sat down on the two other chairs against the back wall.

ed: I wanna lean over-… How close am I to Merry?
Yubi: You’re about ten feet from each other.
ed: I won’t whisper anything in that case.
Yubi: [laughing] You can certainly try to whisper things…
ed: I feel like that’s outside of whisper range.
Yubi: Yeah. That’s more of a murmur at that point. But she stands back and she looks at all of you, and she goes,
Yubi as Velm: For your sake – don’t move.
Yubi: And she leaves the building. The door shuts and is locked – kt-chhk – and you can hear the two guards standing on either side go chk-chk into place. What do you want to do?

Kitty: So the three of us are alone in the room now?
Yubi: Yep. There are no windows. It’s an extra shed that seems to have wood and iron and stone put into it to keep it stronger.
Kitty: No windows.
Yubi: No windows. Just one door.
ed: Are we attached to the chairs or are we just sitting?
Yubi: You’re just sitting.
ed: Right.
Gary: I very slowly stand up and turn around.
Gary as Natalia: Okay, okay. Um…
Gary: And I’m whispering this.
Gary as Natalia: What – why did you abandon me so quickly? I thought we were all in this together? You know, we all woke up in this weird magic cave!
Kitty as Nerium: Well, you’ve got magic! You can get yourself out of this with magic.
Gary: I know, but I don’t want to unless I have to!
Kitty as Nerium: Well I don’t want to be arrested unless I can avoid it! So I think we’re all kind of on the same page as far as that goes!
ed as Taro: Look, I don’t know what either of you did before we ended up in that cave so I’m reserving judgement.
Kitty: Well, I mean…

Gary as Natalia: It’s as simple as this. I didn’t kill that man and-
Kitty as Nerium: But you did kill those either two people though.
Gary as Natalia: I didn’t kill that man. Anything else is not relevant. Please do not bring that up. [Yubi laughing] I did not kill that man and you two are my witnesses because I’ve been with you since I woke up this morning. Okay?
Kitty as Nerium: Well that’s certainly true.
ed as Taro: We’ll have to see what they have to say about that. Because I’m not sure these guys are up to any advanced detective techniques.
Gary as Natalia: I’m sure they’re not. Which means it should be no great difficulty to make sure that this doesn’t go any further than it has to. If you try and stab me in the back, I will fuck you up, okay? I’m not asking for you to lie or to do anything against your moral compass. I’m just asking you to tell the truth and not betray me, okay?

[~35 minutes]

ed as Taro: Well that doesn’t seem to work out so far for me in the past. Anyway, has anyone got anything sharp? Like a needle, a hairpin, anything like that?
Kitty: I will take out my embroidery scissors and hand them to Taro.
ed: I’d like to have a go at trying to pick the lock.
Kitty: And my bum is still on the chair, and I’m just leaning as far as I can…
Yubi: Okay. Roll me a-… Have you got thieves’ tools, Taro?
ed: Nope.
Yubi: No, you don’t have proficiency in it. So just roll me a dexterity check.
ed: I don’t even get sleight of hand?
Yubi: Uh… I don’t think it’s sleight of hand to do that unless you have thieves’ tools.
ed: Okay, cool.
Yubi: I’m willing to check for you, though.
ed: Well that’s a thirteen, if I don’t.
Yubi: Give me one minute.

ed in a silly posh, ‘intelligent’ voice: We’re consulting the tome of knowledge! [laughter]
ed normally: Man, I’ve built a bad character. “What if I built a character who had no skills?” [laughter]
Kitty: “What if I play a lying coward?”
Gary: [laughs] Wow…
ed: I mean, that’s… You’ve kind of nailed it.
Kitty: No, that’s me!
Gary: Now last time I played a character in D&D and got accused of a crime, it was fucking ed! [Kitty laughs] And he nearly had me burnt at the stake!
ed: Oh God, that time!
Gary: I mean, that time I’d committed to the crime, to be fair… But…

Yubi: You know what, ed? It’s a fucking dexterity check. I was right. [Kitty laughs]
ed: Alright, what did I say? Thirteen, thirteen, there we go.
Yubi: You get the embroidery scissors in. And embroidery scissors are very delicate little pieces of metal-
Kitty: I mean, they’re steel.
Yubi: And as you try to jam it into the lock to unpick it, you who are not particularly proficient in unpicking locks, you push the scissors and the scissors bend…
Kitty, whispering: You fuck…
ed: Well, I’ve improved these! Now, I suppose… That didn’t work.
Yubi: [rolls] At that moment, the door bursts open again.
Kitty: I am off my chair at that point, because I just saw him bend my only pair of scissors!
Yubi: Okay.
Kitty: And I’m going,
Kitty as Nerium: You fu-!!!
Gary: Now, did you just say, “you fuck”? And then stop?
Kitty: I didn’t get quite to the end of the word, no. Because the door opened.
ed: Well thank God, we almost had a swear in this show. [laughter]
Kitty: I know!

Yubi: The door, again, pt-chhh [Orion note: Yubi, have you ever heard a door before?] opens and the woman standing there, she immediately sees you and she immediately points her axe at you, and she goes,
Yubi as Velm: Sit!
Kitty: I do that. I do that now.
Yubi as Velm: [rolls] And what is that, in your hands?
Yubi: And she strides over to you, Taro, and she reaches down and she pulls the embroidery scissors out of your hands and looks at them. And she goes,
Yubi as Velm: I see you’re trying to pick your locks and get out, are you? That’s clever. I like that.
ed as Taro: Uhh… Nope! This is… The murder weapon.
Gary, laughing hysterically: What?! Why would you say that?!
Yubi: Roll me deception..? With disadvantage.
ed: Interesting. Okay, I can do that. I can roll two dice at once.
Kitty: Where are you going with this, Taro…?
ed: That’ll be a thirteen.
Yubi as Velm: You’re a fucking idiot.

Yubi: And she puts the scissors in some sort of pouch that she has as part of her armour. And she sits back and you can see now in the door is a dwarf with this very thick grey beard and dark brown skin. And they are carrying a book and a sort of ink pen. And they’re looking pretty nervous. And the woman, she points at the table and she goes,
Yubi as Velm: Sit, Torunn. I want you to take the notes on this.
Yubi: And Torunn very gingerly sits down and opens their book. And the guard turns to you and she goes,
Yubi as Velm: Names. Now. You first.
Yubi: And she points at you, Natalia.

Gary as Natalia: Natalia.
Yubi as Velm: Natalia what?
Gary as Natalia: Natalia Nightlark.
Yubi: There’s a sort of ksst-kss-kss-kss-ksst as your name gets written down. And she points to you, Taro.
Yubi as Velm: And you?
ed as Taro: Tarocles Tarnassian.
Yubi as Velm: Spelling?
ed as Taro, quicky: T-A-R-O-C-L-E-S T-A-R-N-A-S-S-I-A… N?
Kitty: [laughs] Catch all of that?
Yubi: There’s a little kss-ksst as the name is written down. And then she turns to you, Meredith, and she goes,
Yubi as Velm: And you?
Kitty as Nerium: Nerium Oleander.
Yubi: There is again, a kss-kss-kss as the name is written down.

ed as Taro: That’s not what you told us!
Kitty as Nerium: I believe you may have misremembered, Taro.
ed as Taro: Alright, maybe I did.
Yubi: She gives you all a long look, and she goes,
Yubi as Velm: How… did you get here?
ed as Taro: On foot. [laughter]
Kitty as Nerium: We don’t-… That’s not true. We got here, and we don’t know how.
ed as Taro: Part of it was on foot.
Kitty as Nerium: We woke up at the top of the mountain and we don’t know how we got there. We walked straight down and found ourselves here. We’ve been kidnapped. We are the victims of a crime.
Yubi as Velm: Really? [drums start up below the dialogue, to signal the intermission music with a simple techno-flute-y tune].
Gary as Natalia: My friend here is telling the complete truth.

[The music goes on for about 20 seconds by itself and we are at the intermission!
~40 minutes in]

Yubi: Hi everyone, it’s Yubi, your DM. I just wanted to nip in here real quick and say thank you so much for listening. I assume at this point you’ve listened to episodes 1 and 2, maybe even our behind the scenes ‘Getting Mortal’ episode – who knows? I’m not here to judge your listening style. But I just wanted to say thank you soo much. Everybody who has listened, who has supported us on social media as we’ve been getting up to our launch, really big shout out to all the amazing people on Twitter who have been helping us out. A huge shout out to dice bard – @DiceBard on twitter – who amazingly, kindly donated an amazing set of dice for us to give away. Please go and check out their stuff, it is amazing. And all the little things they give us in rhyme are just… It’s so fun, it’s really good fun, so absolutely please check them out.

I just want to say again thank you to all the people who joined our mailing list. It’s still not too late. You can absolutely still do that on our website – we are themortalpath.com. Hell yeah we got the site. So yeah, you just need to type in themortalpath.com and you should get to our website which will have links to all of our social media, our mailing list, everything that you could possibly need to join us.

Speaking of joining us, we do also have a Twitter which is @TheMortalPath. We’ve got a facebook page at TheMortalPath, we’ve also got a Tumblr page at TheMortalPath, and you can of course find us on podbean, on iTunes, on wherever you’re listening to your podcasts through, unless it’s like the bottom line of the chain… We’re only on PodBean on that level, if you find us on somewhere else then I don’t know what’s happening. But yeah, we’re on PodBean at the minute, we’re on iTunes, and you should be able to find us on any app that plays podcasts through those sorts of medias. We really hope that you guys are enjoying the show. Just as like a word of warning, it’s about to get really weird up in here. And I feel like I should maybe give you guys a little bit of a heads up. But there’s some… There’s some stuff coming up that I think… I think it’s going to be like marmite. I think you’re either going to love it or you’re going to be like, “what the hell are you doing?” But I really hope that you stick with us and you ride it out with these absolutely amazing, weird and very wonderful characters that ed, Gary and Kitty have made. We really, really hope that you guys are enjoying the show.

If you want to support us, you can always find us on Twitter. We are always so keen to hear from you. You can also shoot us an email which is themortalpath@Gmail.com to let us know how you think we’re doing. Also if you have a moment and you feel like subscribing and rating us and leaving us a review on iTunes, it would help us out so much [Orion note: please do it, it only takes a moment!]. iTunes really looks at downloads and subscribers and every single rating would really, really help us out. So if you’re enjoying the episodes, if you’re liking what we’re doing, please think about heading over to iTunes and leaving us a review. We would so appreciate it. And yeah, we might be picking some more names out from reviews to put in the show. A couple of people in our mailing list have already been chosen and… [laughs] will be appearing… Much to either their delight or horror, I’m not quite sure. But yeah, thank you so much, I’m gonna let you guys get back to the story now.

Oh- very quick note about our schedule! So we released these three and our behind the scenes on our launch date. We will be releasing episode 4 next week, which I believe will be the 24th and then we will be releasing episode 5 on the 31st and then there’s going to be a week gap and we’re going to release episode 6 on the 14th – on Valentine’s day! Oh… That’s our loving present from us to you. And then it’s going to be every two weeks after that, so the 14th then the 28th and so on and so forth. Just so we can keep trying to keep the production standards up. I write a lot of the music in this and so… I also work a 40 hour a week job and do another podcast so I need some time to do all of that…

Ooh, and I also just want to give a really big shout-out to Rachel Graff, who wrote our theme song. So that really awesome theme song you hear at the beginning and end of each episode – that was actually written, composed and recorded by Rachel Graff, an incredibly talented composer. You can find her website at rachelgraff.com which is r-a-c-h-e-l-g-r-a-f-f dot com. We will definitely be tweeting some links out. You can find her on Twitter. She’s just fantastic. So thank you soo much for our theme tune, Rachel, it is amazing! But yeah, I’m gonna let you guys get back to the show. [the drums start up under Yubi’s voice again to signal us coming back to the story] Hope you enjoy these shenanigans.

[the music continues on its own for about 20 seconds.
~45 minutes in]

Yubi: She looks at all of you, and she goes,
Yubi as Velm: So. You woke up on a mountain and just walked down it.
Kitty as Nerium: Where else would we have gone?
Yubi: Roll persuasion.
Kitty: [starts making whimpering noises] Oh, fuck…
Gary: Can I assist?
Kitty: Yeah that’s not great, that’s ten.
Yubi: Not yet. Hold on. Let me make a note of this. She looks again over all of you and she’s still holding that axe and she goes,
Yubi as Velm: Right. So you woke up on the mountain. You don’t know how you got there. You’ve been kidnapped. Who kidnapped you?
Kitty as Nerium: I’d like to know.
Yubi as Velm: You have no memory. What is the last thing you remember?
Kitty as Nerium: Before waking up on the mountain? I had just finished the back of the bodice for Lord Assalin’s daughter’s trousseau. [laughter]
ed as Taro: Hehe, Lord Ass… [Gary laughs]

Kitty: I do not respond to that that at all. No matter what I might call him in the privacy of my own head, I do not respond to that at all.

Gary: Natalia puts her head in her hands.
Yubi: She shoots Taro a long look and then her eyes go back to you Nerium. And she goes,
Yubi as Velm: Right. And whereabouts is Lord Whatever-his-name-is?
Kitty as Nerium: Lord Assalin and his family live in the higher quarter of Hopewell which is where I live, which is where I was two days ago.
Yubi: And what about you, then?
ed as Taro: I was just drinking in a tavern in Haxas, might have had one too many, and then I woke up on a mountain! What’s that for?
Yubi as Velm: Well, I’m hoping you’re gonna tell me.
Yubi: And she turns to you, Natalia, and she goes,
Yubi as Velm: And you. Where you were before you woke up on the mountain?
Gary as Natalia: I last remember being asleep – well, going to sleep – in my room in the Red Tooth Inn in the city of Cindarion.

Yubi as Velm: Cindarion?
Gary as Natalia: Did I stutter? [ed laughs]
Yubi: She very slowly twirls her axe, and the blade is about as big as your head. And she – kchnk – it down on the floor and goes,
Yubi as Velm: No love, you didn’t stutter. I was just surprised because Cindarion is on the other side of the world. Wondering how you got here in two days, halfway up a mountain that you reportedly woke up on.
Gary as Natalia: I’ve never even met your friend Astin, and I would like to know that myself as well.
Kitty: And now you never will…
Yubi as Velm: Right, right, that’s funny you see. Because his body has been recovered and it’s got stab wounds in it, and wee bit of battery. And I found on your persons three swords – one of which, I’ve just been informed, has red on the end of it. And a hammer. And Devin’s told me what path you were coming down, and Astin was discovered a wee bit further up that path. And so I’m just trying to correlate all of these stories, you understand, because it’s not really making a lot of sense to me so far. I’ve got a dead villager and three strangers with swords.

Kitty as Nerium: Yes, but you’ve got three strangers with swords and very, very bad alibis! Wouldn’t we have come up with something better? And why would we have killed him?!
Gary as Natalia: Yes – what is our motive here? And if we did kill this… Astern? Astin?
Kitty as Nerium: Which we didn’t!
Gary as Natalia: Then why would we just walk into town and seek rest with his brother?
Kitty as Nerium: With his brother!
Yubi: Roll me persuasion. All three of you, roll me persuasion.
Kitty: Oh my God, that’s terrible!
ed: I… got a natural one.
Kitty: That, plus my modifier… Is seven.
Gary: Fourteen…
Yubi: Oh boy, oh boy…
Kitty: We’re getting killed, boys.
Yubi: A nat one…
ed: Yyyep.
Yubi: [laughing] A seven, and a fourteen.
ed: Boy, I’m glad I used my natural twenty on opening the door, because that went down so well. [all laughing]
Yubi: That was a very good decision that you made there! Yeah, that was wise to use it there! She looks at all three of you and she goes,

[~50 minutes in]

Yubi as Velm: You may have noticed we’ve not got a lot of crime round here. We don’t have a lot of strife. So my word is law in matters like these. Now for killing Astin, I would’ve imposed a similar sort of penalty – have the punishment fit the crime. But Devin has insisted that you get a fair trial down in Grendelford. So because you haven’t managed to offer me evidence or alibis that I can credibly believe, I’m gonna put you on a cart down to Grendelford, and maybe you can convince them.
Gary as Natalia: How can we convince someone of something we haven’t done?
ed as Taro: Well, if we’re having a fair trial then we deserve fair defense. And our own chance to do an investigation. [Gary laughs]
Yubi as Velm: Do you want to see the body?
ed as Taro: Yes!
Kitty as Nerium: Oh, I don’t…
Yubi as Velm: Well turn around, then.
Yubi: And she again leaves the room, and the door clicks locked shut behind her.

Kitty: I will turn around, and I will withdraw from my skirts the small mirror that I have as part of my thieves’ tools.
Yubi: Okay. She comes back in thirty seconds later and she is carrying one end of the stretcher and one of the guards has got the other end. And this guard, again, just looks terrified, pale-faced, you can see that they’re sweating a bit, and on the stretcher-…
Kitty: Man, do people not die in this village?
Yubi: Pardon?
Kitty: They’re all acting like they’ve never seen a dead body.
Yubi: They probably haven’t. At least, not one that looks like this. Because as the stretcher is brought in, you can see that it’s slightly covered in ice – it’s definitely been snowed on. And as the door opens, you can see that it is snowing outside and that there do seem to be deep wounds on the chest area that look quite narrow and look quite thin. Definitely evidence that some sort of battery happened to the body. It’s not good.

ed as Taro: Alright, have you searched him?
Yubi as Velm: For what?
ed as Taro: Clues. Obviously. [Orion note: Yubi thought ed had said ‘clothes’ here]
Yubi as Velm: He’s wearing them.
Kitty as Nerium: Has anything been stolen from him? Has his coin purse been stolen or anything?
Kitty: I would like to angle my mirror so that I can just see in case there’s anything weird about the body that I might spot.
Yubi: Apart from it being a very dead body, it doesn’t look particularly weird. She shakes her head and goes,
Yubi as Velm: No, nothing’s been taken.
Kitty: I will slip my mirror back into my skirts before she notices that I had it out.
Gary: Wait, I’m confused. Are we turned around?
Kitty: I’m turned around. You guys are looking at it and I’m facing the wall.

Gary: Oh, I see. Okay. I am going to look at the cuts and see if they look like they were made by our kind of swords.
Yubi: They look like they are deep, thin stabs. From something. They’re small, circular wounds that go quite deep.
ed: Circular?
Yubi: Yep.
Gary: Circular?
Yubi: Kind of circular-ish. It’s hard to see – there’s quite a lot of gore on him.
ed: Interesting.
Gary: I’m just gonna roll a check to see if Nat would think of this.
Yubi: Okay.
Gary as Natalia: Uh, these are some circular wounds, here. These are not the kind of cut that one would make with a blade. At least, not mine.
Yubi as Velm: Oh?
Gary as Natalia: I mean, I could give you a demonstration, if you’d like?
Yubi as Velm: No. You’re not getting your weapons. And I think these cuts do match up, actually.

ed as Taro: Well, I think we ought to see the scene of the crime, too. Do our own little investigation round town. I’ve got some questions to ask.
Yubi: The guard kind of goes,
Yubi as nervous guard: Can we take him out now?
Yubi: And she goes,
Yubi as Velm: One moment.
Yubi: And she helps take the body back out. And it’s put somewhere near the building, and you can hear now outside that there are murmuring crowds. And she walks back in and closes the door and goes… [Rolls]
Yubi as Velm: No, I think I’ve heard enough. I think to Grendelford with you.
ed as Taro: Welp, it’s where we’re going anyway!
Gary as Natalia: Excellent.
Kitty as Nerium: It certainly is now!

Yubi: [laughs] You guys are taken out of the building and you can see now that there are indeed crowds gathered and she leads you towards this small area where you can see that there’s a cart that’s half loaded with groceries and things like that. Not groceries… What would they have – wood and coal and stuff.
Gary: Supplies!
Yubi: There is a cart that is loaded with supplies and just beside that is one that’s got a covering. And she leads towards it and she points and goes,
Yubi as Velm: Alright, in you get.
ed: I hop in.
Gary: We get in.
Kitty: Yep.
Yubi: Okay, the crowd is silent now as the cart starts to trundle down the path and you can see that the back bit of the cart where there’s space to stand, one of the guards has sat there and is clutching the short sword that they have and looking nervous as the big guard sits at the front.

Kitty: Um, I presume that we’re all quite close together at this point?
Yubi: Yeah, you’re all in the cart.
Kitty: I would like to huddle in towards the other two and whisper,
Kitty as Nerium: What the fuck do we do now? They’ve got my real name! We have to get out of this.
ed: I wanna yell,
ed as Taro: You haven’t heard the last of Detective Taro Tarnassian!
ed: And then I’m gonna whisper to my pals,
ed as Taro, whispering: They have heard the last. That’s not my name. And I’m never coming back.
Gary: Do we want to bust out of here?
Kitty as Nerium: I mean… I suppose we have to. I only gave ‘em my name because I knew that I was innocent and… makes a change, really. I’m not good enough at lying or any of that sort of thing. We’ve gotta get out of here but I don’t know how best we go about it. You two have got magic – how are you gonna do this?

[~55 minutes in]

ed as Taro: Look, we’re not gonna get far in this weather.
Kitty as Nerium: You’ve not got any ‘warming us up’ magic or anything?
ed as Taro: Look, I don’t know why you keep saying I’ve got magic! I made a goat appear… That’s not exactly useful. Oh, and I exploded. Neither of those are useful for cold.
Kitty as Nerium: No. Is that all you’ve got then?
ed as Taro: Yeah, I think so.
Gary as Natalia: Well, these men escorting us – they’ll have clothes.
Kitty as Nerium: Are you killing more people, Nat?
Gary as Natalia: Not killing per se, just incapacitating. In the interim.
Kitty as Nerium: I mean, people die of exposure.

ed: Do we still have cuffs?
Yubi: Yeah, you are still cuffed.
Kitty: Can I get my thieves’ t-… Are we in an enclosed?
Yubi: You are in an enclosed one. But there is a guard sitting right by the-… It’s not open, there’s like a little semi-circle that you can see out of. And you can see that there is a guard sitting right there.
Kitty: May I try and surreptitiously take my cuffs off? What would I roll for that?
Yubi: Yep. Just roll me your dexterity check with your proficiency?
Kitty: Uh… [laughs] I don’t think I managed that.
Yubi: What did you get?
Kitty: That was a three.
Yubi: Roll me a stealth?
Kitty: Yeah… Oh, well, the stealth is nineteen.
Yubi: You very stealthily manage to break your thieves’ tools. Inside the very rusted lock of your handcuffs.
Kitty: Just one of them, though. I’ve got a number of these.
ed: How far away are we from-… I mean, how long have we been in this thing for?
Yubi: In the cart? At this moment, like 10 minutes.
ed: Uh, okay. Did we get any health from sleeping?
Yubi: Yeah, yeah. You’ve all had a long rest.
ed: Do I get my slots back?
Yubi: You do.

Gary as Natalia: How about we wait until we’re an hour or so away and then we try and get out by more… unsubtle means?
ed as Taro: Alright. I think you’re probably best for it.
Kitty as Nerium: Well, the difficulty with that, though, is that they’ll be looking for us in Grendelford and they’ll be looking for us back in Little Ebbing. And according to Devin, there ain’t anywhere else around here. So we’re still gonna die of exposure.
ed as Taro: Don’t worry. I’ve got a plan.
Kitty as Nerium: I would like to know what that is.
ed as Taro: Somebody will hear. We’ve been whispering a lot, right?
Yubi: Yeah… You’ve all been… You’ve been whispering-… The guard hasn’t moved outside. They haven’t made any movement to indicate as to whether or not they can hear you.
ed: I’m just gonna wait. I’m gonna wait for an hour or whatever.
Yubi: Okay. An hour passes, nothing particularly happens. The cart keeps moving along.

ed as Taro: Alright. [starts coughing and spluttering] I’ve been poisoned! The witch has poisoned me! [Gary laughs]
Yubi: Roll deception.
Kitty: I would like to put my head in my hands.
ed, exasperated: I rolled a ten… I’m not rolling for shit today.
Yubi: The guard outside puts their head in and you can see that there is shock and horror written all over their face. And then you go, [gasps quickly and repeatedly] and then you hear from the front the guard go,
Yubi as Velm: Don’t listen to them, Hanmar! Get back!
Kitty as Nerium: Oh my God, I think he has been poisoned, though!
Kitty: Persuasion or deception? Deception, presumably?
Yubi: Deception.
Gary as Natalia: Uh, I agree! He looks very… blue!
Yubi: Roll deception! And what did you get?
Kitty: I got fifteen.
Yubi: Fifteen?
Gary: Nine…

Yubi: You hear the guard go…
Yubi as guard 1: Hanmar, do not listen to them. Get back to your post.
ed: I wanna try and stumble out the back and fall out the back of the caravan.
Yubi: Okay. Make me a dexterity check.
ed: Okay, we’re into my good books now. Not that we weren’t for the last three checks. [Rolls] We’re still not. That’s an eight. [laughter]
Kitty: We need to level up guys!
Gary: This is where we end! This is where we die!
Kitty: This is atrocious.
Yubi: You like, stumble to your feet and as you do, you’re still trying to act this choking, poisoned… The cart hits a rock and as you’re trying to stumble out the back, you stumble forward to a point where you just get the hand of the guard right in the middle of your face and they go, ‘huueehh!’ and push you back into the cart. [Kitty laughs louder]
Kitty: Sitting on the floor of the cart I look at the others and I go,
Kitty as Nerium: Alright, fine. Maybe we have to kill ‘em all.
Gary as Natalia: Well in that case.

[~1 hour in]

Gary: Now, how long is the chain of these handcuffs?
Yubi: About… What, 20cm?
Gary: Alright, so… What I’m gonna do is I’m gonna move one hand so it’s grabbing the chains in the palm of my hand. I’m going to point that hand at the guard and I’m going to unleash a blast at him.
Yubi: An eldritch bolt? Okay… You can do that now, so… Do I make a dexterity saving throw or are you supposed to hit me?
Gary: I make an attack.
Yubi: Just make an attack, okay.
Gary: Oh for fuck’s-… Nine.
Yubi: [laughs] Nine?
ed: Oh my God…
Gary: Jesus fucking-… Jesus fuck-…!
Yubi: [laughing] You, again, you half stand up. And this guard, their face turns from gentle horror to true fear because you feel this swirling, gathering magic. And again, as you’re about to unleash this blast, again, the cart hits a rock and you go pssshh out through the top of the ceiling. And the cart screeches to a halt and a half second later that main guard is right back there with an axe. And she goes,

Yubi as Velm: What the fuck was that?
ed as Taro: It was the witch! [laughter]
Yubi as Velm: What are you talking about?
ed as Taro: Look, you’ve trapped me in here with some kind of magic witch who, A, poisoned me – which I’m still getting over actually – and also seems to be able to shoot this magic fire shit.
Gary as Natalia, echoing: If you don’t let me go right now, you and everyone you love will die.
Gary: And as I say that, I imbue it with a bit of magic.
Yubi: Okay, okay. Just roll me a d20. [the sound of a dice falling off a table, then laughter]
ed: Not pictured – Gary throwing a dice across the room.
Yubi: You got a one…?!
ed: Classic one.
Yubi: Oh… Okay.
ed: Okay. The suffering bus has reached the station.
Yubi: Okay.
Kitty: Do little pink flowers appear around-…?
Yubi: No, no… No, no… What happens is Natalia, as you gather yourself to say that, the guard strikes out and with the flat of her blade, she – ktpowh – around the side of your head and you are knocked out cold.

Kitty: What?!
Gary: Fair enough. Please. Good, yeah. I think that’s the best thing for everyone.
Yubi: I rolled a natural 19 against a nat one… You are knocked out cold with a single pssh to the side of the head. You’re not… Like, you lose… You lose 2 HP but you are knocked out cold and you are now prone on the ground, unconscious. In front of Nerium and Taro.
Gary: We’re all gonna die…
Kitty: I really like this character. I don’t want her to die in episode 3.
ed: Out of interest – is all our stuff with us on this…
Yubi: It is not, no. You don’t have any of your swords, you don’t have anything in your backpacks. You can’t see it, it’s not in the back with you at least.

ed as Taro: I thank you, guard – you’ve saved me from the witch.
Yubi: She just gives you a long look and she goes,
Yubi as Velm: Shut up.
Yubi: And then goes back to the front of the cart.
Kitty: This isn’t going to be something I’m any good at but I’m just going roll another medicine check to see if I can wake Nat up and see if she’s alright.
Yubi: Okay, roll me a medicine check.
Kitty: That’s fifteen…
Yubi: Fifteen, okay. Nat is breathing. She is stable. She has just got a bruise forming on the side of her head and she’s probably going to be out cold for a couple of hours.

ed as Taro: Alright. That didn’t work.
Kitty as Nerium, sarcastically: D’you think?
Yubi: Do you guys make any other escape plots?
Kitty: I’m not gonna…
ed: I think the luck isn’t with us on this one. Although… maybe we haven’t pushed it far enough… [Yubi laughs]
Gary: Oh God…!
Yubi: You tell me! The world is your oyster! It’s in your hands, my guys!
Kitty: I’m not gonna stop you.
Yubi: You’ve already fucked up so many opportunities to get out of this mess you’re in.
Kitty: I know!
Yubi: It’s great.
ed: What was I trying to jump for when I tried to get out of the cart earlier? Is there like an open back? I’m thinking of like a frontier…
Yubi: It’s exactly like a frontier thing. There’s an open back but the guard is very much sitting there and is watching you now.
ed: Okay, I’m just gonna…

ed as Taro: Hey, uh, guard – how long have we got left until we get to Grimdark, or wherever we’re going?
Kitty as Nerium: Grendelford…
Yubi as Hanmar the guard, nervous and upset: Uh… Uh, a couple of hours…
ed as Taro: Couple hours?!
Yubi as Hanmar: Maybe more… Can you please just sit quietly? I just want to get home at the end of this…
Kitty as Nerium, quietly: So do I…!
Yubi as Hanmar: Please d-don’t murder anyone else, just…
ed: Alright, I’m gonna sit quietly for a while. But I’m gonna look visibly bored.
Yubi: [laughs] Okay. You cross your legs, you kind of try and cross your arms with handcuffs on, as much as you can… Nat just-… Now propped up by Nerium. The hours pass. The ride is uneventful. You can see that you’re passing through this very dark, pine tree like forest.
Gary: As Nat wakes up, after a while… So what position am I in?
Yubi: I think you’re propped up sitting against the wall of the caravan.
Gary: You guys will probably hear just a bit of faint sobbing.
Kitty: Aw… I’m gonna reach out and just pat Natalia-
ed: Pat Nat.
Kitty: -on the shoulder. Gently.
ed: I’m not.
Kitty: Yeah, that’s why I said Natalia earlier. Because ‘pat Nat’ sounds weird. [laughter]
Gary as Natalia, distraught: It wasn’t… supposed to be like this. I was supposed to be a hero… What-…

[~1 hour 5 minutes in]

ed as Taro: Here, guard. I’m bored!
Gary as Natalia: Not again…
ed as Taro: You’ve not got any cards or anything? We could play a game, pass the time.
Yubi: You hear a moment of hesitation. And then you hear from the front,
Yubi as Velm: Don’t. Listen to them.
Kitty: I’m gonna lean back and go,
Kitty as Nerium, sing-song: I spy… with my little eye… Something beginning with T…
ed as Taro: I’m not playing this game. I’ve no interest in this.
Kitty as Nerium, heavy-handedly: Oh, you can’t guess it, oh no. I wonder if the guard can guess it.
Yubi as Hanmar: I’m not allowed to talk to you…
ed as Taro: Come on, buddy. It’s a bit of fun.
Kitty as Nerium: Aww….
Yubi as Hanmar: Probably… Tree?
Kitty as Nerium: Yes! Very good! Your turn!

Yubi as Hanmar: Something… beginning with M?
Kitty as Nerium: Oh, that’s very difficult. I can tell you’re very clever.
Yubi as Hanmar: Okay.
ed as Taro: Well, I guess we lost this game. [laughter]
Kitty; We’re not so bad after all.
ed as Taro: Let’s play a game of cards, let’s see how you really can play.
Kitty as Nerium: You can talk to us, we’re not so bad.
Yubi, laughing: Again, you hear from the front,
Yubi as Velm: Do I have to come back and gag you all? Because I will.
ed as Taro: I would like to point out that the witch is very bad. Very bad witch. But we’re good. We’re good. Not like the witch. Who did poison me, I would point out again.
Kitty as Nerium: We’re all innocent, all three of us.
ed as Taro: Except of poisoning. Which was committed.
Gary as Natalia, quietly sobbing: I don’t even see poison.
Kitty as Nerium: Give up on it, Taro. Nobody believes you.

Yubi: Do you guys make any other escape attempts in this cart?
Kitty: I mean, I’m vaguely trying to butter up the guard… I don’t think it’s gonna work.
ed: I wanna ask the guard how he feels.
Yubi: Alright, both of you make me persuasion checks.
ed: Alright. This is the most fumbling attempt at this. Will I roll a good roll?
Kitty: I just rolled… a natural one. [laughter] However – as a fucking halfling… [rolls]
Gary: Oh, the thing!
Kitty: That’s a seventeen.
Yubi: A what?
Kitty: It’s a seventeen. Wait, and I didn’t even add my proficiency.
ed: I got a nineteen.
Kitty: That’s a twenty. A fucking twenty.
ed: Alright, we really turned our juices on! [Orion note: What the fuck kind of a phrase is that]

Yubi: After about six hours or so, you finally manage to get to a point with the guard where you have learnt that their name is Hanmar Sann. They have lived in Little Ebbing all their life. And they are very, very frightened of all three of you.
Kitty: So it is the three of us that everyone’s been frightened of and not the chief guard lady?
Yubi: Yeah, no, it’s you. It’s definitely… There seems to be a bit of incredulousness? And as you, I assume, try to protest your innocence, there does seem to be parts where Hanmar does seem to go… ‘You guys seem so incompetent that it is is difficult to imagine you doing a murder.’
Kitty: Yeah! I mean… Yeah.
Yubi: ‘I can barely imagine you doing a hit. But at this point I’m sort of under orders?’ That’s the sort of vibe you’re getting, even with your rolls, I’m afraid. Because you fumbled a lot of them.
Kitty: We really fucking did. That was appalling.
Yubi: You really fucked it up. You really… I tried so hard, I tried so hard but you fucked it up so now you’re on your way to Grendelford.

ed as Taro: Han’, will you come visit my grave when I’m dead? [Gary laughs] Put flowers at it?
Yubi as Hanmar: I mean… Maybe?
ed as Taro: If I had a wife, would you tell her I loved her?
Yubi as Hanmar: Yes…? Do you have a wife?
Gary: Let him just sit in peace!
ed as Taro: No.
ed: And then I say ‘no’ again and I sort of wink. [Yubi laughs]
Kitty as Nerium: Well that’s one good thing in this world.
ed as Taro: Look, I’m trying everything here Merry, I’m really pulling out the stops.
Kitty as Nerium: Oh, for fuck’s sake, it’s Nerium. You know that now.
ed as Taro: Alright, fine. I just thought I was playing along.

Yubi: As you guys are speaking, you can suddenly hear noise. Noise like drummings and distant musics and you can hear the clattering of other carts getting louder and louder. [music starts under the dialogue, a lively street-festival atmosphere with lots of steel pans] And there’s a sort of psss, pssssss of fireworks. And the cart rolls to a stop. And you hear from the front the guard go,
Yubi as Velm: Oh, fuck.
Yubi: And then the guard at the back, Hanmar, they look at you and go,
Yubi as Hanmar: Oh… Today is the Ice Tooth carnival, isn’t it?
Yubi: And you hear the guard at the front go,
Yubi as Velm: Today is not my fuckin’ day.
Yubi: And the cart starts to go back into motion but a hell of a lot slower. And after about five minutes or so you can hear that you guys are at some sort of gateway. Because you can see now behind you some sort of queue of other carts and people trying to get into the city. And you can hear the guard talking to the two guards at the gates. Roll me perception checks.

[~1 hour and 10 minutes in]

ed: I got a natural twenty, on this useless fucking shitty check. [Yubi laughs]
Kitty: Well, I also got twenty with my modifier. [Yubi laughs]
Gary: Twelve.
Yubi: Twelve. Natalia, you’ve managed to stop crying. You have calmed down a bit. But you are still upset about that magic incident and you are still keeping close to Nerium. And you are just looking out behind you and trying to work out what’s happening. Both Taro and Nerium, you can hear the guard talking to these two guys. They seem to know each other. And after a moment you hear one of the guards that you don’t recognise, go,
Yubi as Grendelford guard: Oh, well it’s simple. Just take them to Marlo. She’s in town this year. So they’ll be able to help you out.
Yubi: And the guard that’s been with you all this time goes,
Yubi as Velm: [sighs] Alright. I suppose that’s fine. But will you help me take them? I can’t take the cart through the streets like this.
Yubi: And the guards go,
Yubi as Grendelford guards: Aye, that’s fine. I’ll take you. I’ll help.

Yubi: And a moment later she appears with two other guards who are decked in very silvery clothes and armour and it’s very ceremonial – and they’re carrying two very long javelins that seem to have some sort of tooth-like blade at the end. And you guys are bought out of the cart and into the street. And the cart is then driven off to the side and looking around, you guys have arrived in a very big city in the full swing of some sort of festival or carnival. It smells amazing. There are fried foods and meats and stews. You can see lights burning. There are fireworks still going off in the sky. In front of you these people puppeting this huge silvery snake are weaving through the streets as it dances above everyone else. Everyone is laughing and joking and people aren’t paying you very much attention. And all three of you have a hand suddenly clamp down on your shoulders.
Kitty: Uh huh. Tell me more about this snake. Is it like a Chinese dragon kinda snake?
Yubi: Yep. Parts of it are on poles held up in the air and it’s writhing across the crowds. Its head dips down every so often and its jaws open and close and every time it does, you can see that there is a tooth missing at the front.
Kitty: And these crowds – what sort of races are they made up of?
Yubi: It’s a pretty diverse mix. It mostly seems to be humans and dwarves but there do seem to be elves, half-elves… There are tieflings, there are humans, there are-… I said humans. There are gnomes, there are halflings… There are people of all sorts here.

Kitty: If I… Now, this hand on my shoulder is strong, isn’t it?
Yubi: It’s got a very good grip on the three of you.
Kitty: So it probably wouldn’t be an acrobatics check, it would be athletics if I attempted to just get the fuck out of there.
Yubi: You are welcome to try.
Kitty I would like to attempt to duck out of their grip and run towards the silver snake.
Yubi: Okay.
Kitty: Ooh… That would be nineteen.
Yubi: Okay. For athletics?
Kitty: For acrobatics. This is a dex one.
Yubi: This is athletics.
Kitty: Okay. Athletics… Hm. Okay, that’s twelve.
Yubi: Okay, you’re trying to pull out of his grip. You’re not trying to wriggle. There is a hand-…
Kitty: I am very wriggly!
Yubi: Yep. But unfortunately you guys are unfortunately wearing nightshirts over your clothing so there is a hand very firmly entangled in that material and a twelve will not cut it.

ed: Can I look at who’s attached to the hand?
Kitty: I would like in that case to say immediately,
Kitty as Nerium: Oh, I’m sorry, I just wanted to see the snake!
ed: I wanna see who’s attached to the hand.
Yubi: Okay. You have one of the new guards. They are a human – tall and broad – holding onto you very tightly.
ed as Taro: Alright, pal?!
Yubi: He looks down at you and he goes,
Yubi as ed’s guard: Not bad, mate. Yourself?
ed as Taro: I’ve been better, I have to say.
Yubi as ed’s guard: Yeah, you’re in a bit of shit. Don’t worry, though.
ed as Taro: That’s good, pal. Sounds good. You got much time off for the festival?
Yubi as ed’s guard: A wee bit here and there. Not so bad – sitting here, you get to watch it go by.

Gary as Natalia: Who is this Marlo?
Yubi: The other guard who’s holding onto Nerium turns to you and says,
Yubi as Nerium’s guard: Marlo? You’ll have to wait and see. But she’s… She’s something else, she is. She’s got, y’know, she’s got the gift.
Kitty as Nerium: Oh good! She can prove we’re innocent, then!
Yubi as Nerium’s guard: She can. [Gary sighs in relief] She’s an oracle. Magic powers. Divine, y’know. That sort of thing. She tells fortunes mostly but last year she sorted out a case.
Gary as Natalia: Excellent. That is wonderful news.
Yubi: The hand on your shoulder which belonged to the main guard who’s been watching you so far pushes you forward. And you can see now that the other guard has all of your weapons and your items but they are hanging behind you. So your stuff is there. And she begins to march you through the crowds. They are stuffed full of people. There are huge snake puppets weaving across the top, there are streamers, lanterns… People on the upper windows who are throwing fistfulls of silver powder that is just going everywhere. The place is alive with music and song.

Kitty: Can I say I just rolled a quick dexterity check to make sure I didn’t trip up over the hem of the nightshirt that I am wearing as i am being marched through them. I got… And I assume that is an acrobatics check? Yeah, that’s a twenty five.
Yubi: Okay, yeah. You have got this amazing way of not standing on the hem of the extra three feet of material that is trailing behind you. You manage to hook it over your shoes and shuffle elegantly. But as you guys are lead through the streets, you can see that you are being taken towards the centre of town. And there is this big building made of gray stone that goes up and up and up. It’s a pretty impressive building for what you assume is a town in the middle of nowhere. And there is a stage constructed in front of it. And sitting on that stage on a chair is a half-orc woman with dark green skin and hair that is so white it almost seems to be glowing.

[the street festival music in the background stops and instead the violin starts under the dialogue to signal the end of the episode coming]

Yubi continues: And she is waving her hands slowly and floating above her is this conjuration of ice tooth, the viper, and it is curling around the planet Alfallen. And as she is telling this story and you get a bit closer, you can hear her voice as if she was speaking right in front of you. And for those of you three who now know what magic feels like, there is a crackle of it in the air and over your skin as you step forward. And you see this snake dip and weave and curl around the whole planet as if it were really there, and bite into its own tail. And as you step forward, she – still talking – looks at all three of you and raises her eyebrows.

[The music starts in earnest with the familiar drumbeat of the theme song, fading into the lone violin that ends the episode]

[END OF EPISODE 3]