Transcript: 2) Where The Fuck Are We?


Thanks to the incredible hard work done by Orion, the second episode of The Mortal Path has been thoroughly and utterly transcribed! We are just so overwhelmingly grateful, he’s put so much work into this fantastic transcript, and we’re so excited to be able to share his work with you all. While he plans to transcribe all the episodes, transcription is a time consuming and difficult task, and this is a passion project of his. We’ll be updating the site with new transcriptions as they come, and will be keeping you all updated on Twitter. If anyone is interested in helping Orion write these transcripts, please email us at so we can put you in touch!

So, with another HUGE thank you to Orion, we are so pleased to present here:

Episode 2: Where the fuck are we?


Created by Yubi, Gary, Kitty and ed.


Transcribed by Orion, because he quite likes transcribing things in his spare time, and he likes TMP even more than that. Any corrections to suggest to this transcription should be sent to with ‘Transcript Error’ in the subject line.


Timestamps written are approximate rather than exact, so as to avoid breaking up the flow of the dialogue. All attempts at recreating Yubi’s weird mouth sounds are Orion’s own.


ed as Taro: Previously on The Mortal Path…


[clips from previous episode with a fast, urgent battle theme beneath them all]

Yubi: You’re cold and you’re lying on something made of rock and you’re not sure where you are. / And your fingertips from the knuckle to the end of your fingers turn bright red and the gem is left in your hand.

ed as Taro: I can’t say I’m a soldier but let’s just say I know how to use this.

Kitty as Nerium: I’m an embroiderer. I make dresses. I think I’m in the wrong place.

ed as Taro: Just call me Taro.

Kitty as Nerium: Oh, my name’s Meredith.

Gary as Natalia: You can call me Natalia. / I can make goats!

ed as Taro: Oh shit, the fuck – what?

Gary as Natalia: What the shit?!

Yubi: Cold terror just crushes down your spine.

Gary as Natalia: Hey! [deep and echoing and gravelly] Fuck you.

Kitty: I’ve got some embroidery scissors but I don’t wanna get that close!

Gary: Now what happens in 5e at 0HP? [laughter]

ed: Oh my God…

Yubi: [laughing] Okay, so!

ed: I’m a bomb!

Gary as Natalia: Are you okay?

ed as Taro: I… hope… so…?

Gary as Natalia: Great.

Gary: Then I punch him. [an undercurrent of drums start beneath the dialogue as the theme music starts to begin the episode]

Kitty: I would like to look at the two travelling companion I appear to have been saddled with, who have both recently recovered from unconsciousness, and say,

Kitty as Nerium: Tell you what, why don’t I go first this time?


[The Mortal Path’s theme tune (by Rachel Graff) begins properly.]


Yubi: Setting back into the scene, you guys are peering round the little form of Meredith and you see in front of you this chamber with these pedestals and these boxes. Meredith, you see two chests on the middle pedestal, Taro you see two chests on the left and Natalia you see two chests on the right. The other ones are blank.

Kitty: Um, before I step forward into the room,I think the first thing I’d want to do is turn to the other two and say,

Kitty as Nerium: Uh, Miss Nat, and Mr Taro, um… I can’t see anything dangerous in this room but we kinda couldn’t see anything dangerous in the last room until we got in there. I just wanna suggest… Maybe we should just have a brief pause. Maybe we should just have a little short rest and patch ourselves up a bit before we find out what’s going on in this next place, because the corridors seem to have been safe so far.

ed as Taro: Well, er, I’m not sure I can be bothered with all that. I think… Look, I’ve been through a lot already and it’s about time I got my reward. So I’m just gonna, I’m gonna go crack it open-…

Kitty as Nerium: Are we sure that that’s what’s in those boxes?! Because I mean, there’s three plinths, there’s three of us, and there’s only two boxes.

ed as Taro: I’ve never opened a chest that didn’t have something worth having inside.

Kitty as Nerium: I mean, well, I suppose… Perhaps you know a bit more about this sort of thing than me.


Gary as Natalia: I’ve read many books where people open chests and treasures are hidden in them. I really want to open it.

Kitty as Nerium: I… Mm… Sometimes- they might be booby trapped, y’know? Things haven’t been terribly friendly in this place so far. That’s only my opinion!

ed as Taro: Well, if you’re not interested, I think I’m just gonna take both these chests for me then!

Gary as Natalia: Ah, woah, woah, woah. I’ll have one of them.

ed as Taro: Alright – [sighs] – you drive a hard bargain.

ed: I’m gonna walk up to the chests.

Gary as Natalia: And so will I.

Yubi: Okay. As the two of them step past you, Meredith, they both suddenly branch out.

Kitty as Nerium: What?

Yubi: And Taro heads left to an empty plinth, and Natalia heads right. And Taro you see Natalia heading to an empty one, and Natalia you see Taro heading to an empty one.


ed as Taro: I thought you, uh, I thought you wanted one of these?

Kitty as Nerium: Where are you going..?

Gary as Natalia: I do, that’s why I’m going to one. Where are you going?

ed as Taro: Uh, I was going to the chests? Which, as it happens, happen to be here?

Kitty as Nerium: They’re in the middle.

Gary as Natalia: They’re on the right.

Kitty as Nerium: They’re on the middle plinth.

Kitty: I’m gonna step forward and then stop in the doorway so I’m in the room at this point but I’m not gonna touch them.


ed as Taro: Well, uh… Point at- where are they?

Kitty: I point.

Gary: I point.

ed: I’m gonna go over to where Nat is pointing.

Yubi: You don’t see anything there.

ed: I just kind of wave my hands through the air near where…

Yubi: Your hands just wave in the air over the pedestal and Natalia, you watch as Taro’s hand, that deep indigo blue of his skin, just passes through these two chests as if they’re some sort of mirage.

Gary as Natalia: What the shit? Your hand – it just went through the chest!

ed as Taro: Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it seems like… Something might’ve gotten shaken up a bit in that there noggin.


[~5 minutes in]


Gary as Natalia: Well, let me check.

Gary: I go to the chest and try and open it.

Yubi: Okay, so you go to the one on… the left?

Gary: Yeah, sure.

Yubi: You reach out and the chest is solid wood and – Taro, as you watch, Natalia is either very good at miming or she’s definitely touched something that your hand passes through.

Gary as Natalia: It’s right here, I can feel it.

ed as Taro: Well this is interesting.

Gary as Natalia: Do you think it’s safe to open?

Kitty as Nerium: Um, I don’t think that we should assume it’s safe to open.

ed as Taro: I think we should chance it. Go for it.

Kitty: I would like to walk forward to the chests that I can see and check them for traps if I can?

Yubi: Roll me investigation.

Kitty: Oh… That’s not super good. Oh, on the other hand – eighteen!


Yubi: They don’t appear to be trapped. Looking at them a bit more closely, you can see that there is a lock that doesn’t seem to be locked or work, it’s like the remnants of a lock. And they are two colours, and one is a sort of ashy white and one is a sort of very vivid green. And it’s very small detail and it’s only looking at them so closely that you notice the slight colour difference between the two.

Kitty: Wait, the colour difference is… on the lock?

Yubi: On the little lock that doesn’t seem to be a lock anymore. It’s just the remnants of where you would put a padlock through.

Kitty: And there’s no difference between the white lock and green lock other than their colours?

Yubi: Other than their colours.

Kitty: Okay, I would like to – presumably I’m sort of up to my nose on this plinth and I’d like to peer round it and say,

Kitty as Nerium: I think my ones look like they’re safe to open.

ed as Taro: Alright then. Why not? Go for it. Let’s see what you get.


Kitty: I’d like to open the green one.

Yubi: Okay, you open the green lock and as you open the box, you guys watch as Meredith mimes opening this box with real effort actually. She has to kind of push it up. But there is actually a little bit of stone that you can stand on to let you see into the boxes without having to reach in and scrabble around. The inside of this wooden chest is painted a vivid green, the same as the lock on the outside, and there is an inscription on the lid that you see as you open it. And it says, “some that die deserve life”. And as you look into the box you see a vial – but what catches your eyes is not so much the vial instantly but it’s the lock of dark brown hair that’s tied around it with little streaks of grey in it and you recognise that hair because-

Kitty: Oh my God…

Yubi: That is your mother’s hair, tied around the vial.

Kitty: Oh my God, okay… I am going to… go very pale and very still and I would like to reach out and touch the hair and stroke it.

Yubi: It’s soft, it’s real. It seems to be there.


Kitty: I would like to pick up the vial and hold it.

Yubi: It seems almost a little bit warm in your hand and as you pick it up out of the box, the one on the left – the one that you haven’t opened, rather – it starts to fade and it starts to kind of go transparent.

Kitty: Can I try and open it before it fades?

Yubi: Are you still holding the potion?

Kitty: In one hand, yeah.

Yubi: As you try and reach through it, your hand passes through it like smoke when you’re holding the other one.

Kitty: [gasps] Oh…

Kitty as Nerium, with a bit of distress in her voice: Um, I think you can only open one of these. The other one’s disappearing now that I’ve opened this one.

ed as Taro: What did you get?

Kitty: Can I check that the vial is still, y’know, whole and solid and not disappearing?

Yubi: Yeah, absolutely. And you notice that the box next to you, it’s gone opaque, it hasn’t disappeared completely yet. It’s just got to a stage where you can no longer open it. But it is still there.

Kitty: Alright, okay.


Kitty as Nerium: Um, I got, um… A bottle!

Kitty: And I tuck it into a pocket of my dress and don’t show it to them.

ed: Do we see-… What do we see, actually, when she produces this?

Yubi: So as you watch, Meredith reaches in and she pulls out something that becomes visible in her hand and it does seem to be some sort of small vial with something tied around it. And as you put it in your pocket, the other chest completely disappears.

Kitty: Fair enough.

Gary: Do we see Meredith’s reaction?

Yubi: Yeah, she can’t hide it from you, you’re all watching her.

Kitty: And it’s fairly obvious that I’m upset by it, I think.

Yubi: Yeah.


Gary as Natalia: Meredith, what’s-… Are you okay? What does it mean?

Kitty as Nerium: Um… I don’t know what it means. On the inside, it said “some that die deserve life” and there’s a little bottle… Why don’t you see what’s in yours?

ed as Taro: You had two boxes, right?

Kitty as Nerium: I did. There’s only one there now.

ed as Taro: Nat, you’ve got two, right? Crack ‘em both open.

Gary as Natalia: Wait, was there any difference?

Kitty as Nerium: Oh, yes! Like the doors, when I woke up. One was white and one was green.

Gary as Natalia: Oh, I see. Just… bare with me one second.

Gary: And I’m going to turn around and go off a little bit and then start whispering to myself.


[~10 minutes in]


Gary as Natalia: You two. Are you there? [laughter] Red and blue? Are you there?

Yubi: There’s no response.

ed as Taro: This is, uh, a bit eccentric,

ed: I whisper to Merry.

Gary: So what’s going through Natalia’s head is, ‘do I continue to go for the red one? Or do I please the blue one as well?’ [laughter] And I’m just thinking about that and whispering to myself all the while.

Kitty: It’s a good point.

Yubi: You don’t hear any response. There doesn’t seem to be any response. I only needed one sentence for that but I gave you two. It’s a gift. [laughter]

Gary: Thank you.

ed as Taro: Look, I’m not sure what you’re worried about when you can probably get both, right?

Gary as Natalia: Uh, I’m not sure. I’ve read that… hm… I wouldn’t… hm…

ed as Taro: Go on, crack ‘em open and check ‘em out.

Gary as Natalia: I don’t want to try and fool the magic.

Kitty as Nerium: You do what you think best, Nat.


Gary: I’m going to approach them, look at them closely, and go for the blue one.

Yubi: Looking at them closely, you notice that both of them have, again on the lock, the different colours: one red, and one blue. As you open the blue one – again, you guys see Natalia seem to mime opening this box – and the inside is painted this very deep blue. And there is an inscription, and written in silver ink is “silvertongue”, all one word. And inside is some sort of… vial or little… Almost like a tiny little pot of this silvery liquid powder that you can see swirling through the glass.

Gary: Just, ‘silvertongue’?

Yubi: Yep, that’s all it says. The other box is still next to you. It’s still visible.

Gary as Natalia: I can see a silvery vial? Oh, sorry, a vial of silver stuff. And it says, ‘silvertongue’.

ed as Taro: Well you could… What’s in the other box?

Gary as Natalia: Ah, I’ll try.


Gary: And I close the blue and go to open the red.

Yubi: Mhm. The red one opens. And the inside is painted this very deep, ruby red and this box is slightly different because this box seems to go down much further than the last one. And there’s an inscription and in golden ink is written “Fireheart” and inside is a sword very similar to your one except the end of it is dyed red and there seems to be some sort of… almost a kind of lettering of some sort along the blade?

Gary as Natalia: This one… This one.

Gary: And I’m just going to reach right in there, grab that sword.

Yubi: You watch as Natalia reaches into thin air, her fingers curl around something and as she pulls back, you see, appearing as if almost from behind something hidden, a sword that goes fwsshhh out. And it is gleaming and the end is dyed red and it seems to have some sort of red lettering. And Natalia, as you touch it? There is a spark, a very similar spark, because you have held a magic sword before. And you have never quite forgotten the feeling.


Gary as Natalia: Oh, shit…

Kitty: I am gonna take a step back when I see that happen because that’s not a fucking bottle.

Yubi: No, it’s not. [laughter] As you pull the sword out, the blue box shimmers and disappears.

ed as Taro: Now are you sure you know how to use that?

Gary as Natalia: Oh, believe me – I do.

Gary: And I’m going to examine it carefully, sort of take its weight, see where the balance lies. And try and read the lettering on it.

Yubi: You can’t quite read the lettering but it is beautifully made and beautifully balanced.

Gary as Natalia: This is truly wondrous. I don’t know what’s happening since I woke up here, but it seems like all my dreams are coming true.

ed as Taro: Alright, that’s very, very creepy.

Kitty as Nerium: Um, we just nearly got killed by a weird sand-monster. And that’s a dream?

ed as Taro: What kind of dreams are you having?

Gary as Natalia: All dreams require sacrifice.

ed as Taro: Interesting!

ed: I’m gonna walk over to my boxes now but kinda not really break eye contact. [laughter]

Kitty: I’m gonna follow Taro and, y’know, I’m not saying that I’m backing away, but I’m just gonna stick reasonably close to him.


[~15 minutes in]


Yubi: [still laughing] That’s very good. Taro, looking at your boxes, you can see that again there are these locks that don’t seem to work as locks, and one is painted a sort of clay brown, it’s almost like a rusty colour? And one is a very delicate, eggshell blue.

ed: Uh, how far apart are these boxes?

Yubi: They’re a good foot, foot and a half.

ed: Are they like next to each other?

Yubi: Yep.

ed: Can I open them both at once? Just wanna… One hand on each and yank em?

Yubi: Yep, they both open when you do that. And the one on the left, the blue one, again the inside is painted this beautiful delicate blue and as you read the inscription which is written on the lid, it says, “Fortune favours the roll” and inside is a very simple, wooden, six-sided dice. And glancing at it you can see that it’s only got the numbers one or two on it and sitting next to it is, again, a simple leather bracelet. And written on it is, “until next time”. And you recognise that writing. And you don’t recognise the bracelet and you don’t recognise the dice, but you know that writing. But you don’t know who’s writing it is, but you know that person was important, and that is a memory that feels incredibly organic, one from your body rather than from your mind.


ed: And that’s in the left box or is that..?

Yubi: That’s in the left box. And as you drag your eyes over to the right, the inside is painted a clay brown and written on the lid in the inscription is “take back what belongs to you”. And there is a portrait in there – and it is a street portrait, one that you might find an artist doing on the street corner. And it is of you. And you are laughing and you have your arm around a human man that you recognise. And you don’t know his name and you don’t know anything about him but you’re laughing and there are buildings sketched in the background and it’s done in coloured chalks. And it’s beautiful and you don’t remember anything except you know that man.


ed as Taro: Hmm… Alright, I wanna stand between the two chests and attempt to grab both at the same time.

Yubi: Your fingers as you reach round all the things and pull them out, the minute they get past the lid, they kind of turn into smoke and go back to the bottom of the chests.

ed as Taro: Hmm… Well. Hm… There seems to be some kinda… This isn’t working out. [sighs]

Kitty as Nerium: What do you see?

ed as Taro: Ah, that’s not particularly important, but I’ve never been one to back down from a challenge like this.

Gary as Natalia: I wouldn’t try and fool whatever it is we’re up against here. They seem very powerful.


ed: I’m gonna try and grab both again.

Yubi: Like smoke, they disappear through your fingers as you lift them past where the box ends.

ed as Taro: Hm… Hey, Nat, could you come over here for a second?

Gary as Natalia: Sure thing.

ed as Taro: If I tell you where to grab, could you give it a go?

Gary as Natalia: I’ll give it a shot.

Gary: I put the sword away in one hand as far away from the chest – like where the chest would be – as possible. I very tentatively put a hand out.

ed as Taro: Now try and grab there. Right where I’m pointing.

Gary: I slowly sink my hand down.

Yubi: It’s just air. And her fingers to you, Taro, pass through whichever side you’re trying to get her to hold onto.

Gary as Natalia: I don’t feel anything.


ed as Taro: I guess there’s nothing I can do.

ed: I take the stuff on the left. The dice and the bracelet thing.

Yubi: Okay, as you pull them out, the box on the right disappears and you’re left holding a wooden dice and a simple leather bracelet.

ed: I put them in my pockets. Actually, no, I’ll put the bracelet in my pocket after giving it a quick look and then I’m going to roll the dice just on the plinth.

Yubi: Okay, roll a d6.

ed: Roll a d6? Let me get into my big box of magic squares… It’s coming. [rolls] I just threw that at my screen, that was not a good. I got a five, though.

Yubi: Okay, you roll a one – there’s only ones and twos on it. And as you roll it, there is this spark of magic that seems to shoot from the dice right into your mouth, it’s almost like a punch.

ed as Taro: Ow!

Yubi: And it fizzles and disappears and you still have the dice, it’s sitting there.


Kitty as Nerium: Are you alright? What just happened?

ed as Taro: I’m not quite sure, myself. That was interesting.

Gary as Natalia: This is so exciting.

Kitty as Nerium: You rolled a one…

ed as Taro: I did roll a one. If you look carefully, you’ll find there’s actually only ones and twos on here so it’s not like I’m unlucky, it’s just that’s the way the dice is.

Kitty as Nerium: Oh. Oh, okay. I’ve never seen one like that.

ed as Taro: Uh, yeah. You probably haven’t. [laughter]

ed: Alright, it’s going in my pocket.

Yubi: Okay, you put it back in your pocket.


ed: But like a good pocket, like a ‘I might need this’ pocket.

Yubi: Okay, you put it in your left breast pocket of your cloak?

ed: Close to my heart, this thing I have now.

Yubi: Close to your heart. [Kitty laughs]

ed: Don’t give a shit about the bracelet, that’s going in my ass pocket, but the dice… [laughter] Don’t talk about an ass pocket, that’s not a good thing! Expunging that from the record!

Gary: Quick, cut the tape, cut the tape!

ed: What I meant was ‘bad’ pocket. ‘Ass’ as in ‘bad’. Not ‘ass’ as in any other type of… Move on, move on.

Kitty: [laughing] I think that’s best


[~20 minutes in]


Yubi: What are you guys doing?

ed: Actually, can I look at the bracelet thing again?

Yubi: Can you what, sorry?

ed: Look at it, like inspect it with my inspection eyes.

Yubi: Yeah, are you trying to do the inspect spell?

ed: No.

Yubi: Oh, okay.

ed: Because that’s not a spell.

Yubi: [laughing] Whatever it was.

ed: It was Identify. And I’m slots-less at the moment.

Yubi: That’s true. You pull it out of your pocket and you look at it again and, again, you remember the lettering, the ‘until next time’, the handwriting is familiar. It looks like it was done by someone who wasn’t necessarily a professional, but who knew enough to be able to engrave onto leather. It’s simply woven, it’s a little bit ragged and worn where you would tie it around your wrist – it’s clearly been worn, it’s not new. And you have that, again that organic feeling of ‘I know this from somewhere, but I don’t know where and I don’t know when and I don’t know why’.


Kitty: While he’s doing that, can I quietly take the vial from my pocket and see if I can detach it from the lock of hair without the hair being scattered? Because I don’t want to lose any of it.

Yubi: Roll me a dexterity check.

Kitty: Fourteen.

Yubi: Yeah, you manage to do it. You lose a couple of strands because it is tied in a little bow but you can take it off the vial.

Kitty: Okay… I’m not gonna say ‘I put the vial in my ass pocket’ because what kind of person would say that?

ed: Hey… That’s mean… [laughter]

Kitty: But I am gonna tuck the lock of hair in a pocket of my blouse.

Yubi: Okay, you do that.

Kitty: And put that vial back. Can I- if I look at the vial, was it green inside as well?


Yubi: No, looking at it, it’s a kind of brown and it actually kind of looks like the stew that your mother used to make. It looks like her ‘warm your bones’ stew as she always called it. [Various ‘aw’s from the party]

Kitty: Can I uncork it and take a sniff?

Yubi: Mhm, it smells exactly like stew.

Kitty: I want to just dip a finger in and lick and see what it takes like.

Yubi: There is a strange tingle to it. It tastes exactly like your mother’s stew. But there is a tingle that you haven’t really felt before. You’ve kind of had crackles of it over your skin being in this cave and occasionally when Natalia or Taro have done some weird magic, there’s been an after-effect of static along your skin, and it kind of feels like that.

Kitty: I will put the cork back in the bottle and put it in my pocket because… I don’t know what that is.

Yubi: You feel a little bit better.

Kitty: Oh, do I? Am I mechanically better in any way?

Yubi: Are you mechanically hurt?

Kitty: I think I lost 4 hit points in the last doodad, when the thunderwave struck.

Yubi: You mechanically feel probably about a hit point better

Kitty: [gasps] How exciting. Okie-coke.


ed: Is there any door or anything for this place now?

Yubi: As you look around, you can see again that there is another entranceway that leads off into a dark corridor leading away from the chamber.

Gary: Still no doors.

Yubi: Still no doors. You’ve done the door bit.

ed as Taro: Alright, we’ve got our freebies, now let’s head off.

Gary as Natalia: Sounds good to me.

Kitty as Nerium: Yeah.

Yubi: Okay, you guys leave the chamber and you start walking down the tunnel. What’s your marching order?

ed: I’m behind Nat, I don’t care where I am other than that, but… [laughter]

Gary: Yeah. Nat will take the lead. That’s absolutely fine.

Kitty: I think I’m at the back at this point, because… yeah.


Gary: As I’m going, I’m sort of waving the sword every so often, like getting the feel for it. [Kitty laughs]

Yubi: I mean it feels pretty good, I mean you can do some damage with this. It doesn’t feel particularly sharper or heavier than your other one but there’s still that little running vein of magic through it and you don’t know yet what it does, but it’s pretty good.

Gary: While facing away from them, there is a massive smile on my face. [Kitty laughs]

Yubi: Very good. [laughs]

Kitty: Awww.

Gary: A big ole grin.


[~25 minutes in]


Yubi: As you take your first step out into the corridor, there is suddenly a voice that echoes around all of you and it is incredibly loud, and it says,

Yubi, low, slow and reverberating: Jerome J Jerome. Halbet Stint. Carlin Ironhide. Berla Tin. Gilbert Hogcolla. Bethrinia Kathalax

Yubi: And it fades into nothing and all three of you have heard that echoing suddenly around you.

Kitty as Nerium: Who are they?!

Gary: I completely freeze.

Yubi: You see Natalia in front of you freeze.

Kitty as Nerium: Were those- Those were names!

ed as Taro: Yeah. They were names, weren’t they? I can’t say I’ve ever heard of any of those.

Kitty as Nerium: You haven’t?

ed as Taro: What about you, Merry?

Kitty as Nerium: No, I’ve never heard of any of them.

ed as Taro: Weird. Nat, why’ve you stopped? C’mon.


Gary as Natalia: I… Uh… I recognise some of.. Some of those names.

Kitty as Nerium: Oh…

Gary as Natalia: They’re people.. Uh, from my past. Um… Hm. I… am a little bit worried now. I like the sword but now I’m scared.

Kitty as Nerium: Are they people that you’ve lost?

Gary as Natalia: Not quite.

ed as Taro: Are they people you’ve pissed off?

Gary as Natalia: Uh, several, yes. One? Maybe – oh, shit. Maybe two? Hard to say. Uh… pissed off, permanently.

Kitty as Nerium: Are you saying you’ve killed them?

Gary as Natalia: Uh, yes.


Kitty as Nerium: Okay…

ed: Can I take Meredith off to the side quickly?

Yubi: Yeah, you take a couple of steps back.

Gary as Natalia: They were bad people! They were bad people!

ed as Taro: I think we’re in a bit over our heads here – certainly I am. I believe that we’ve slightly got ourselves in trouble here and I think we should avoid pissing her off a little bit.

Kitty as Nerium: I am in full agreement.

ed as Taro: Now let’s do our best to not die and get out of here.

Kitty as Nerium: Also full agreement on that… also.

ed as Taro: Great. Okay, Nat, I think we should keep going forwards – with you in the front again!

Gary as Natalia: Just so you know, they were very bad people!

ed as Taro: I’m sure they were, Nat. I believe you implicitly. [laughter]


Kitty as Nerium: I would like to walk beside you, Nat.

Gary as Natalia: Oh, of course!

Kitty as Nerium: Because if we don’t know what’s coming… then we may as well meet it together.

Gary as Natalia: That’s… Thank you, that means a lot.

Kitty: I mean, I’m not walking right next to her. [Gary laughs] We’re not-… I’m still pretty scared of her! But I’m gonna walk like two-abreast. And, ooh, also I would like to take my dagger out and be holding it.

Gary: You can see that Natalia, who had previously got a bit of a swagger, a bit of a show of bravado, the shoulders are down slightly now. She’s back to a more normal walk. Not quite the same up-and-at-’em kind of impression.


Yubi: As you begin walking down this corridor, it gets darker and darker and narrower and narrower until Natalia and Meredith, you two now are walking very much side by side, almost touching, and both of you suddenly can’t see more than a foot ahead of you. And Taro, this is a really small, narrow corridor that you can still sort of see but the gloom is incredibly unsettling, and even in the darkest night you generally feel like you have a bit better vision than this. You can see ahead but there doesn’t seem to be any light.

Kitty as Nerium: I think we should stop, I think we may have come the wrong way.

ed as Taro: What other way could we have gone?

Kitty as Nerium: Well, the corridors keep closing up behind us… Um, I don’t like this room. I think if we can go back to the other room, we should check it again. Because this is… I can’t see.

Gary as Natalia: If we get attacked again, how can we defend ourselves?

Kitty as Nerium: Do either of you have a magic that does light?

ed as Taro: Look, I don’t know why you’re asking me. I’m new to this magic stuff, it’s all…

Kitty as Nerium: I know, but you made that pony-goat thing.

ed as Taro: Look, something tells me I’m outta juice.

Kitty as Nerium: Oh, okay.


Gary: I’ll try and do something?

Yubi: Okay, so roll me a d20.

Gary: Sixteen.

Yubi: Sixteen. You reach your hand out and, again, you feel this building energy – and it almost seems to be connected again with this sword. And your fingertips kind of tingle and you suddenly feel this crashing, almost tsunami wave. And there’s a minute of, “okay, okay, oh God, oh God, oh God!” as this [explosion noise] blast of green-ish red-ish energy shoots from your hand, and it lights the corridor as it disappears and then fizzles out at the end.

Gary as Natalia, high pitched and panicking: Holy shit!

Kitty as Nerium: Oh my God, did you do that on purpose?

Gary as Natalia: Huh? No! I was just trying to make some light! Oh, what’s with these new fingers? Ah, hm…

ed as Taro: Uh, new fingers? What?


[~30 minutes in]


Gary as Natalia: Well, you know how I said when I woke up these were red? This hand, it just seems to, well, um… I’m not sure what it does yet. But it’s definitely magical.

ed as Taro: Alright. Devil hand. Let’s not-…

Gary as Natalia: I wouldn’t… Hm…

Kitty as Nerium: I really feel like… Pertinent to our previous conversation, Mr Taro, and you know, baring in mind that you also are of a certain persuasion yourself, perhaps we ought not to throw the D word around too much.

ed as Taro: All-… Excuse me?

Kitty as Nerium: Well I just think that going forward, it’s better if we work together.

ed as Taro: Oh I believe that had some kind of implication.

Kitty as Nerium: Oh, I’m so sorry, there wasn’t meant to be in any way at all.

ed as Taro: Alright. Well, I think you better keep some of your opinions to yourself from now on.

Kitty as Nerium: Of course I will, I-

ed as Taro: In any case, I think it’s time to go.

ed: I’m gonna stride forwards. I’m not scared anymore, I’m just pissed off.


Yubi: Okay, you have to push through them and you do so. Taro is a skinny, skinny boy and as he pushes through you can feel that he doesn’t have a lot of strength but the force of his anger there is enough to kind of – Meredith, at least – to kind of knock you a half step into the wall. And you can’t really see him go but you hear his footsteps going ahead.

Gary: I point my hand in the opposite direction and follow along.

Yubi: You point your hand-… Oh, behind you? [laughter]

Gary: Oh yeah, behind me. Just in case.

Yubi: With one hand sort of stuck behind you, you start-…

Gary: And the other with the sword. I’ve got both hands behind me. One with the sword and one with-…

Kitty: Like Naruto? [more, loud laughing] That was a pop cultural reference.

ed: Very good!

Yubi: I’m so proud of you. I’m so proud of you.

ed: We made it today.

Yubi: With a walking “Naruto” run – it really pained me to say that without the Japanese accent – but with a walking “Naruto” run you start going along the corridor.


Kitty: I’m going to say to myself quietly,

Kitty as Nerium: That didn’t go as well as I thought. As I hoped.

Kitty: Actually, do ya know what? If he’s striding off ahead, can I just nudge Nat quietly and say,

Kitty as Nerium: Nat? Can I ask you… When you look at Mr Taro, um… What does he look like to you?

Gary as Natalia: Uh, he looks an indigo shade? And he’s got horns.

Kitty as Nerium: Yeah, he’s a tiefling, isn’t he?

Gary as Natalia: I think so, yes. I haven’t met many.

Kitty as Nerium: Well, I mean, only one or two, really. Um, because I mentioned about him having dark vision earlier and he didn’t seem to like that. And then that conversation we had just now, he didn’t seem to like that either. So I was just making sure I wasn’t seeing something that wasn’t there. I mean – wait. Miss Nat. We saw chests and they were different for each of us. And I just want to tell you if look anything different, I’m a halfling, and I’ve got long brown hair and sort of dark skin and brown eyes and I’m just wearing a little dress – my pinafore for work because I thought I was going to be a normal day today – that’s what I look like. Is that what I look like to you?

Gary as Natalia: Yes, I mean, it’s quite goomy in here now but from what I saw of you earlier, that’s exactly right.

Kitty as Nerium: Okay, okay. And you’ve got blue eyes and your hair’s short and dark and you’ve got the thing on your lip and the hand-

Gary as Natalia: Wait, what?


Kitty as Nerium: You’ve got a little… The red spot in the middle of your lip?

Gary a Natalia: I’ve got a red spot in my lip?

Kitty as Nerium: Yeah, was that not there before?

Gary: I reach up. Can I feel anything there?

Yubi: You can’t feel anything

Kitty as Nerium: It’s the same colour as your hands. Is it- maybe it came when you woke up?

Gary as Natalia, nervously: Oh… Okay. Well, yes, I guess I have a red spot on my lip now. Did not realise that, okay.

Kitty as Nerium: Oh… We’ve gotta get out of this place.

Gary as Natalia: Is there anywhere else where I’m red?

Kitty as Nerium: Uh, not that I can see.


[~35 minutes in]


ed: I’m gonna be real here – that’s been quite a lot of monologue. I’m probably a bit off now.

Yubi: Yup, you’re just striding down this increasingly narrowing dark tunnel. And you can hear the echo of voices behind you. And very infuriatingly, as you keep striding forward, they don’t seem to be fading particularly. You could still – it’s hard to pick out what they’re saying because it’s echoing and they are quite far behind you but they don’t seem to be getting quieter the further you walk.

Gary as Natalia: Let’s not lose Taro.

Kitty as Nerium: No, good point.

Gary: We probably feel our way along the sides of the corridor by now.

Yubi: You guys are sort of bumping into each other. Like I said, for you guys especially it’s incredibly hard to see, but with each hand on the wall and sort of knocking into each other with every second or third step, you can make your way along the corridor

Kitty: I might say,

Kitty as Nerium: Um, Nat, is it alright if I go in front of you actually? Because it’s getting a bit cramped in here.

Gary as Natalia: Oh, please. That’s fine.

Kitty: I’m not going to go behind you because that’s where the scary bits are pointing. [laughter]

ed: There’s multiple scary bits at this point.

Gary: There are.


Yubi: You start walking along the corridor and it takes you like twenty seconds before you can hear footsteps ahead of you, and you can hear Taro – who you assume is Taro – walking ahead of you. You still can’t quite see him, your vision’s not good enough and the corridor at this point is about as wide as a person. There’s no longer room for walking beside each other or really passing each other. And Taro you hear footsteps behind you, coming up very quickly.

ed as Taro: Oh. You guys ran up here quick.

Kitty as Nerium: Oh, sorry. I mean, yeah. We’re here.

Gary as Natalia: Did you say ‘ran’?

ed as Taro: Yeah, I’ve not really slowed down but you must have quite a pace to keep up with me with those short legs.

Gary as Natalia: We just – we were shuffling along the wall.

ed as Taro: What? That can’t be right. There’s no way.

Kitty as Nerium: This place is giving me the creeps more and more the longer we’re here. I think we have to do this together. It’s like that staircase. I think you can’t walk away.

Gary as Natalia: But it’s not wide enough for all three of us.

Kitty as Nerium: No, I don’t-… That isn’t quite what I meant, Miss Nat, I’m sorry, I put that wrong. What I mean is I think if one of us wants to get away from the other two, it’s not going to be possible to happen.

ed as Taro: Alright, fine, let’s get this over with. Come on.

Kitty as Nerium: Of course.

Kitty: And I scamper along.


Yubi: After about another minute of walking, you guys can suddenly hear a difference in your footsteps. Because suddenly they begin to echo in a way that, Meredith, you’ve heard before, means that there is a big chamber coming up. And Taro, your vision doesn’t really change, it’s still dark and you can’t really see the end but you suddenly are aware that you step out first into this big chamber, bigger than any of the ones that you’ve been in before. And as Meredith and Natalia follow, all three of you are suddenly in a cavern that feels much lighter [high-pitched, echoing noise underneath the dialogue]. It’s still pitch black but the air is lighter and it’s a bit cooler and you can suddenly breathe. And as all three of you step out, there is this kind of –  whoomph – an almost pressurised feeling that drops over all of you. And suddenly, hundreds of thousands of tens of thousands of millions of billions of tiny little lights shine all over the walls and the floor and the top of this cavern which seems to be almost this perfect sphere. [Quiet, tinkling, bell-like music starts up under the dialogue] And as you look around, you’re all very softly illuminated by these little specks of light that seem to almost twinkle and glow and as you look up you realise that this is the night sky, and it is a perfect copy of every star that you have ever seen. [long, low chords start up underneath the dialogue which continue quietly for a while] And as you look around, you can suddenly see the constellations that you know. You see the Hall of Stars, the Dish, the Mouse, the Sword, the Cup, the Book, the Cradle, the Devourer, the Sand Snake… All of them there except for the planets. There are no planets and there are no suns. Just stars. And you are almost floating in this inverted void of the night sky.


Kitty: But our feet are on the ground?

Yubi: Your feet are on the ground. Except you can’t really see, you seem to stand on stars but as you walk around the floor, you can feel it under your feet but it goes down and it seems to go down and down and down the same way that the walls go out and out and up and up.

Kitty: I am absolutely not walking around. I got out of that corridor and- presumably from what you are describing, I can’t press my back up against the wall.

Yubi: You can’t.

Gary: So we’re in a 360 magic planetarium?

Yubi: Seemingly so. It’s very beautiful

Kitty: It’s Cerebro.

ed: We’re in the Holodeck. [Gary laughs]

Kitty: Oh my God! We’re in the holodeck. Awesome.

ed: I think I’m going to look around for any imperfections? Or is it just-… Check everywhere and see if I can find an exit.

Yubi: There doesn’t seem to be any exits and actually as you look around, the corridor that you all just came out of seems to have disappeared.

Kitty: [gasps] Oh…

Gary: Nat is just looking around in absolute wonder

Kitty: Nerium is looking around in absolute horror because how the hell are we getting out of here?! It’s too weird. I don’t like it.


[~40 minutes in]


Gary as Natalia: It’s beautiful.

Kitty as Nerium, voice wavering: I mean… I’d like it more if I was on solid ground and it was just a normal sky.

ed: How was this done? I’m gonna touch the ground and just poke it and see what it feels like.

Yubi: It feels totally smooth. And your finger runs over the stars almost and you can’t feel any difference in the ground, it’s like polished marble of something of that. But your fingers do blot out the light for a second.

ed as Taro: Is this some kind of glass? This is… How much must it have cost to build something like this?

Gary as Natalia: I think we’re more in the realm of magic now. I believe this may be an illusion.

ed as Taro: Everything’s got a cost.

Kitty: As Taro points out, ‘I wonder how much this would cost’, I feel a bit of a flicker that makes me go, ‘no, actually, that’s a really good point, I’m not going to be scared of this’. And I start walking around and sort of skirting around to see where the edges are, if there are edges. There’s no corridors behind us, there are no walls, and yet…

Yubi: There are seemingly edges. There are bits where the sky suddenly curves up and that you can’t really pass beyond. And as you’re looking around, again it is a perfect copy of the night sky and you can see very clearly, twinkling like they do in real life, the constellations that you know. You can pick out – you can almost orientate yourself to where you’ve been.


Kitty: Okay, so if I try and… I’m gonna look for the tail of the Mouse, which you can see from the front door of the Laughing Cat.

Yubi: Okay.

Kitty: And see if I can get myself somewhere where I feel like I’m in-.. so that the sky looks like a view that I remember from home.

Yubi: You manage to do that. You can see the stars that make up the Mouse.

Kitty: Okay, um… I mean I suppose I just close my eyes and – I mean, I’m not going to click my heels together [Gary laughs] but I’m just gonna close my eyes and think really, really hard about, y’know, the last time I looked up and standing on that doorstep.

Yubi: Nothing seems to happen, but both of you watch as Meredith suddenly closes her eyes and sort of squeezes her fist and almost trembles for a minute.

Kitty as Nerium: [sighing] Well that didn’t work.


ed: What does the scale feel like? If there’s effectively like, when we move, how far do the constellations move?

Yubi: They don’t seem to move.

Gary: Can we figure out where we are based on where all these constellations?

Yubi: You are in the centre

Gary: As in, where on the planet?

Yubi: Nope. They all seem to be smaller than what you remember – they seem to be different parts. You can look for the constellations that you know and find them by finding recognisable stars. And they seem to be either above or below you and you’re not quite able to orientate yourself in that sense, but you can find portions of the night sky that you totally recognise. It is like being able to see every constellation at the same time and it’s a bit mind-bending.

Kitty: It’s a bit swimmy.

Yubi: Yeah.

Gary: I’m going to lie down and just stare up at it and take it in.

Yubi: Okay, Natalia lies down and starts looking up at the stars. [Kitty laughs]


ed: I think I’m looking around for any imperfections, like comparing the ones I can find to the ones I remember and seeing if anything looks wrong.

Yubi: They look identical.

Kitty: If I walk over to where-… I can spot the Hall of Stars, yeah?

Yubi: Mhm. You guys watch as Meredith suddenly turns her head and starts heading towards a portion of the night sky that both of you don’t really recognise.

Kitty: And having spotted that one, I will look around and see what other constellations and presumably I can spot the Dish?

Yubi: Yep. And Taro you notice as Meredith suddenly turns to look at a constellation that you also know.

ed: So I do. [Gary laughs]

Kitty: I tell you what, actually. I’m going to look in my pockets, and I have some pins so I’m gonna put a pin down where I was standing to look at the Mouse, and then under where I was standing to look at the Hall of Stars, and then walk over to where the Dish is and put a pin down there.


ed: I’m gonna go over and say,

ed as Taro: What exactly are you doing here?

Kitty as Nerium: I have… I’ll be honest with you Mr Taro, I haven’t the least idea. I’m trying to work out what bits are familiar because not much in this place has been remotely familiar and I’m just trying to work out if there’s anything that might help us work out where we are.

ed as Taro: Alright, well it seems to be that so far whenever we’ve been stuck in this place, if we all do the same thing it seems to help us out a bit. So have you got any more of those pins? I’ll try it.

Kitty as Nerium: Oh yeah! Yeah, of course!

Kitty: I will pull out from my little strawberry-shaped, tomato-shaped pincushion another five pins and hand them to him.

ed as Taro: Well you’ve already got the Cradle, so I’ll-… I’ll head off for the others.


[45 minutes in]


Yubi: The second you say, ‘the Cradle’, the stars of the Cradle glow brighter and blue lines shoot from each star [music swells a little under the dialogue – a melody on soft, ethereal, high-pitched bells] to form the lines that should appear between them.

Gary as Natalia: [gasping] Wow…

ed as Taro: Well that’s interesting.

Kitty as Nerium: How did you do that?!

ed as Taro: I just named it.

Kitty as Nerium: The Dish…?

Yubi: The stars flicker and the lines flicker but they stay there.

ed as Taro: Yeah. Sure.

Kitty as Nerium: What did you call it?

Gary as Natalia: I wonder if it works with other things.

Gary: And Nat’s gonna point up and say,

Gary as Natalia: Like the Sword!

Yubi: It flares into life and you see the lines going from each star to make it hover in the sky. And now the Dish and the Star are hanging in the sky.

Gary: The Sword.


Kitty: I am going to shout, “The Hall of Stars!” and “The Mouse!” and point at them as I do.

Yubi: As you do that, as you move from each one, the one before it fades. So as soon as you say ‘the Hall of Stars’, the Dish fades. And as soon as you say ‘the Mouse’, the Hall of Stars fades.

Kitty as Nerium: Oh. Did I break it?

ed as Taro: Uh, the Sand Snake.

Yubi: It flares into life and now the Mouse, the Sword and the Sand Snake are all in the sky. And as that happens, you all hear a soft, tch-ck noise from somewhere behind you.

Gary: I jump up.

ed: Yeah, I’m looking back to where that sound came from.

Kitty: Yeah.

Yubi: Suddenly now, carved into the sides of the wall is a single door.

Kitty: [gasps] Wait, before we-… you guys can see a door, yeah?

Gary as Natalia: Yes

ed as Taro: Yep, looks like it.

Kitty as Nerium: Um, can we try each naming a different-… Hall of Stars.

Yubi: The Mouse fades and the Hall of Stars lights up and the door is still there.

ed as Taro: The Devourer.

Kitty as Nerium: What-…

Yubi: The Sand Snake fades, the Devourer lights up, and the door is still there.

Gary as Natalia: The Boat?

Yubi: The Sword fades, the Boat lights up and the door is still there.


Kitty as Nerium: Okay, so that is the only door that we’re getting.

Yubi: Doesn’t seem to change.

ed as Taro: Alright, then.

Kitty: I strike off towards it.

ed as Taro: Let’s go.

Kitty: Oh, I’d just like to pick my pins up before I do. [Gary laughs]

Yubi: Okay, you pick your pins up and you head towards the door. Who’s going first?

Kitty: Depends who was nearest.

Yubi:  It’s probably Taro.

ed: Alright.

Gary: I’ll follow behind Taro.

Yubi: You open the door, Taro, and it swings open easily. And you see ahead of you a relatively short tunnel that seems to lead to the mouth of the cave. It’s angled slightly upwards and beyond it you can see the purplish, pinkish glow of a twilight sky beyond it. [Gary gasps]

Kitty: I am running.

Yubi: Okay. Meredith takes off and just sprints past you.

ed: I’ll try and keep up.

Yubi: Okay.

Gary: Same.


Kitty: I mean, I’m not very quick so you probably can. [Yubi laughs]

Yubi: All three of you, as you run up towards the mouth of the cave – and it gets bigger, and it’s real, and it’s really there and you can feel now the wind over you, and it’s a cold, cold wind… All three of you roll me a survival check very quickly.

ed: Jeez, survival, that’s a weird one. Where’s survival in- here we are.

Kitty: Fifteen.

Yubi: Fifteen.

ed: Twenty.

Yubi: Twenty.

Gary: Two! [Kitty laughs]

ed: Very good.

Yubi: So as you guys run out the entrance of the cave, Natalia you are so focussed on seeing the outside that you don’t even look up. There is a second, Meredith and Taro, as you glance upwards and the night sky above you is alien and wrong and not what it usually is. And then you are out of the cave and as you glance up again, the night sky is seemingly normal, except you don’t really recognise any of the stars. They’re all tilted in ways that you’re not expecting. And as you step out, you are on loose, crumbly rock that is relatively stable, on a plateau. There is a biting cold wind and it seems to be twilight. And as you look around, you can see to the left and to the right, on the edge of the horizon, twin peaks of what is either sunset or sunrise from the two suns. And you realise that you are half-way up a mountain and somewhere in the Ice Ring that circles the planet Alfallen.

Kitty: I, at this point, would like to stamp my small foot and go,

Kitty as Nerium: Where the fuck are we?!


ed: I think that while I have a moment of being glad about not being in a horrible cave…

ed as Taro: I’m not a fan of the cold. It’s too much – let’s… Urgh. Alright. We gotta find some shelter. It’s too cold for me by half.

Kitty as Nerium: Yeah, it’s freezing.

Gary as Natalia, shivering: I agree.

Kitty as Nerium: This is a very, very long way from where I woke up this- well, no, this morning I woke up in a funny cave. But I’m from Hopewell and I don’t even know where Hopewell is from here.

ed as Taro: I don’t even know where ‘here’ is.


[~50 minutes]


Gary as Natalia: I know we’re in the middle.

Kitty: That was my guess, yeah.

Gary: The… The icy range between. But I don’t know how to get home.

ed: I wanna go to the edge of the plateau and just look around and see if I can see any sign of civilization.

Yubi: Okay, roll me a perception check.

ed: With my eyes?!

Yubi: With your good, good eyes.

ed: Fifteen.

Yubi: Fifteen. As you look around, you can see that there is a mountain in front of you, that seems to be slightly lower than the one you’re on. And looking behind, the range seems to go up behind you. You are somewhere sort of in like the lower middle of a mountain range. You can see that down towards the lower slopes, there is a thick, dark, green forest of some sort. And up above you it gets icy and snowy.

Kitty: Does it look like we could make it to the forested bit?

Yubi: Glancing down, you also see that there are lights twinkling below you. And there seems to be some sort of village or something a good walk below you and you can see that this plateau has a sort of path that winds down the mountain. It’s not particularly well made, it’s certainly not paved or a road but there seems to be a walkable path that leads down towards where you reckon the village is.


Kitty: Are we hungry or thirsty at this point?

Yubi: Yeah, at this point you’re probably a bit peckish. Peckish and thirsty. But you’re certainly not feeling any ill effects of it. You are cold, though. It is cold.

Kitty as Nerium: I would really like to get away from this cave. I appreciate that we do need shelter but I don’t want to shelter in there, and I think those trees down there look like they would be a better bet.

ed as Taro: Yep.

Gary as Natalia: I completely agree. And to be honest, I’m not sure that the cave would let us shelter in there.

Kitty as Nerium: No, I think you’re right there. Right, off we go. We’ll keep warm if we’re walking.

ed as Taro: Yep, let’s go.


Yubi: You guys start walking down the path. After about 20 minutes of walking, the scenery has changed in that it’s gotten a teeny bit warmer, the ground is a bit more stable, you’re certainly heading downwards off the certain part of the range that you’re on.

Kitty: We’ve approached the vegetation. Is any of it familiar to me?

Yubi: None of it is familiar to you. It is scrubby and barely clinging to life.

Kitty: It doesn’t look like the kind of plants that I’ve seen in places that are scrubby and barely clinging to life. ‘Cause I’m trying to work out which side of the range we’re on.

Yubi: You can’t tell. The road is curling and winding and at this point, both Meredith and Natalia, you have also seen the twinkling lights of the village below you. It does seem to be getting closer. And the road curves and suddenly in front of you about 40 maybe 50 foot in front of you, there is a body [Kitty gasps]. Slumped in the middle of the road, face down.


Kitty: I stop walking.

ed as Taro: You alright?

ed: I yell.

Kitty: To be honest, I put my hand on my dagger.

Gary: Yeah, I’ve got my sword drawn as well and slowly approaching.

ed: Do I get any response from my yell?

Yubi: You get no response.

ed: Alright, I’m also gonna slowly walk towards it.

Yubi: Okay.

Kitty: I’m gonna duck behind a tree.

Yubi: Are you hiding?

Kitty: Yes.

Yubi: Are you hiding mechanically?

Kitty: I am hiding in all senses.

Yubi: Then roll me a stealth check.

Kitty: Twenty three.


Yubi: Okay. So you, as Natalia and Taro, as you walk forward, Meredith just takes two steps and just… fwooo into the undergrowth. [laughter]

Kitty: I have a character that’s good at something! Holy shit.

Yubi: It’s great. As you guys approach you can see that the body seems to be human.

Gary: As we do approach, I’m going to whisper to Taro,

Gary as Natalia: Er, maybe if we approach from different sides and if you keep your magic self a bit further away if we’re going into possibly a fight-y situation.

ed as Taro: Well I was just gonna poke it with my foot to be honest – he looks pretty dead.

Gary as Natalia: Well in that case, after you.

ed: Yep, I’m gonna just-… Nothing’s jumped me yet, right, so I’m gonna just go up and give him a little tap with my foot.

Yubi: You give him a little tap with your foot and you can see that it is a human male, very pale skin, brown, almost quite greasy hair. Looks relatively young although you can’t see his face. And as your foot digs into his side, he goes,

Yubi, whispering in a lower voice: Fuck off!


ed as Taro: Oi!

Yubi, whispering again: Fuck off!

ed as Taro: Why are you just lying here?

Yubi: He turns his head and he shoots you the dirtiest look, and he goes,

Yubi, in a Scottish accent, lower pitched: I said fuck off!

ed as Taro: Yeah, and I said ‘alright’ and you didn’t even reply! That’s rude.

Scottish Yubi: You’re ruining the surprise!

ed as Taro: Who-…

Scottish Yubi: Oh, you’ve fuckin’ ruined it now, haven’t you.

Yubi: And he sits up and he stretches and he kind of goes,

Scottish Yubi: Oourrgh, been lying here for hours. Who are you?

ed as Taro: What’s that got to do with anything? I’d quite like to know who the surprise is for to be honest. You’ve peaked my curiosity.


[~55 minutes]


Yubi: He kind of gives you a little odd look at that and he goes,

Scottish Yubi: Well, if you have to know, I was gonna surprise my brother, Astin.

ed as Taro: What, and you were expecting him to… Well, I guess you’d know him better than I would. Is he coming along in a bit, then? You’ve been waiting for an hour?

Scottish Yubi: An hour? I’ve been waiting for four! He was meant to be back here ages ago. No, he went out hunting up the mountain to see what he could find and, well y’know, brothers, I thought I’d play a wee prank on him and give him a little fright – we do it all the fuckin’ time. Well I thought it was you, I thought he was you when I heard footsteps. And then you kicked me so thanks for that and – well, now my surprise is ruined, but I suppose to be honest I think I dozed off for a wee bit. I should probably-… What time is it?

ed as Taro: Well I do admire your dedication to a prank.

Scottish Yubi: Oh, well, thank you very much!

ed as Taro: But if you’re really gonna surprise someone, I feel like you could at least hide, right?

Scottish Yubi: Hide? But he wouldn’t be looking for me! I wanted him to come down the path, see me and go, “oh! Devin’s fallen! Something’s happened, it’s terrible!” And then I would pop up laughing and and y’know… It’d be great fun.

ed as Taro: Yeah, I think you should work on it a bit. Maybe workshop it a little bit before you go live, y’know.

Yubi as Devin: Aye, well, you probably have a good point there.


Yubi: He looks up at the sky and you can see him starting to move his fingers to kind of count the stars. And this is something that you guys all know, it’s a way of telling time without having the Sun or watches or anything like that. And he goes,

Yubi as Devin: Oh, it really has been four hours. That’s a long time. Anyway, who the hell are you? What are you doing up here? You’re not kitted out for travelling.

Yubi: And as you look at him you can see that he is wrapped in pretty thick furs and boots and gloves.

ed as Taro: Uh, well you know, just went out for a walk. You know how it is.

Yubi as Devin: You went out for a walk?

ed as Taro: Yep!

Yubi as Devin: Up the Kragg Moor?

ed as Taro: Yeah, that’s right! Me and my good pals here, we’re just having a walk.

Yubi as Devin: Your pals?

ed as Taro: Yep, best buddies!

Yubi as Devin: I only see one.


ed as Taro: Uh, yeah, well she’s an interesting one. We tend to talk about her in multiples, y’know?

Yubi as Devin: Alright…

Gary as Natalia: I have two friends in my head.

Yubi as Devin: Okay, that’s- I mean, I’m fine with that. But how did you get up past here? It’s a long way from… Well, from Little Ebbing, and I’ve certainly not seen you in the village, and longer than that from anywhere else.

ed as Taro: Well you see, we’re a troup of adventurers, as it were. I’m the noted adventurer Tarocles Tarnassian and – well, would you like to introduce yourself?

Gary as Natalia: Well hello good Sir – it was Devin wasn’t it?

Yubi as Devin: Yeah, Devin Kaius.

Gary as Natalia: My name is Natalia.

Yubi as Devin: Right…

ed as Taro: Yes, that’s right and we are noted adventurers! And on our adventure we’ve been, ah-….

Yubi as Devin: Did you get lost?

ed as Taro: No, we have never been lost as good adventurers-

Yubi as Devin: There’s no adventure around here, you just get a wee bit up a mountain and then – I suppose you can go to the next mountain and go down again, but it’s a very long way, you’d want really to be down round the bottom-


ed as Taro: Well that’s where we came from, you see. We’ve crossed over – we’re the first to do it, after all.

Yubi as Devin: I mean… I do it every couple of months. So you’re not the first to do it, mate.

ed as Taro: Well… I think you’ll find we’re the first to be recorded doing it. Now-

Yubi as Devin: Maybe you’re the first to do it in not enough clothing.

ed as Taro: Well, that is part of my brand. Now if you could please direct me to the nearest town, we’d quite like to be on our way. It’s, suffice to say, a bit cold now, a bit chilly. You know how it is in the winter up here.

Yubi as Devin: Yeah, how long did it take you to get this far? If you came down from… Well I suppose… What was the name of the town that you started in?

ed as Taro: Oh, it’s not important. Um… I don’t like to name names. Now we’ll be – we’ll be shown along now, won’t we? Come on! Let’s go! Nice to meet you anyway, Devin!

Yubi as Devin: Are you headed down to Little Ebbing?

ed as Taro: Yes!

Yubi as Devin:  Right, I mean, like, that’s my village. Do you want-… Shall I come with you?

ed as Taro: Oh, would you like to?

Yubi as Devin: I’m going home eventually-

ed as Taro: Great! Then you can buy us a drink. Now let’s go.

Yubi as Devin: Now hold on!

ed: I’m walking, I’m off. We’re going.


Kitty; If I see him walking then I will emerge from my hiding place and scamper up.

Yubi as Devin, shocked: Aah!

Kitty as Nerium: Oh, I’m so sorry! Are we-… Hello, nice to meet you, my name’s Merry.

Yubi as Devin: Alright! How many more of you are there?

Kitty as Nerium: Oh no, there’s only me. I get a bit frightened.

Yubi as Devin: Are you with them?

Kitty as Nerium: Uh… Yes.

ed as Taro: Yep! Adventuring crew, come on, let’s go! No time like the present!

Gary as Natalia: Please, lead on.

Kitty as Nerium: Are we adventuring?

ed as Taro: Yes.

Kitty as Nerium: Oh, I’m not an adventurer, no – I mean, I am with them.


[~1 hour in]


Yubi as Devin: How did you get here?

Yubi: He’s walking, he’s trying to catch up to Taro but he’s kind of looking back at you.

Yubi as Devin: How did you get here? It’s a long way! You’re halfway up Kragg Moor, what are you doing?

Kitty as Nerium: Um… Well, it’s a very long story. And I would be delighted to tell you all about it once I’m somewhere a little bit warmer. I hope you will understand that really I need to get warm and if there’s anywhere to get somewhere to eat?

Gary as Natalia: Merry is our in-house seamstress, you see, and we took her along for the journey.

Yubi as Devin: Why the hell would you take a seamstress up a mountain?

Gary as Natalia: Training.

Yubi: He looks so confused and lost and you can see that he’s a relatively young guy and he’s just not sure what the hell’s going on. But he pulls equal with Taro – and he’s taller than you, for sure, even with with the horns – and he glances back over all of you and he goes,

Yubi as Devin: You’re a very weird bunch and I don’t believe a word that most of you are saying for most of the time, ‘cause there’s only a few paths up here and we keep ‘em well guarded – and there’s no way that you got up there by the back way that you were talking about. ‘Cause you don’t even know what you’re talking about! So you should probably have a wee think about what you want to say before you say it to a local! But..

ed: C-.. .C-… [Gary laughs]

Yubi: I mean, you’ll probably die on the mountain, so come along, I’ll take you down to Little Ebbing and you can just… And maybe you,

Yubi: And he points to you, Taro,

Yubi as Devin: Maybe you… Maybe you should just maybe-… Hush for a wee bit, y’know. No more of the talking from you, because you’re just a lot of lies and I’m not a big fan of that.


Gary: [laughing] I’m sorry, I just- where ed started speaking and then got cut off, it just sort of sounded like “cuck!” [loud laughter from the whole crew and ed coughing] [the slow violin tune starts up to signify the end theme song starting under the dialogue]

ed: Oh boy.

Yubi: Devin leads you down this winding path and you can see the lights of this little village twinkling brighter. And you can see there are little wooden and stone homes built into the side of the mountain that points towards the village. And he goes,

Yubi as Devin: I know you’ve never been here. But you might as well come in.

Kitty as Nerium: Thank you so much.

Gary as Natalia: Ah, just as I remember it.


[The theme tune plays out properly to the end.]

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